I'm Back

Oh yes I am. But then my template is so distorted. Links will follow soon. I just have to put this blog in the world wide web.

I am back for good. As long as there's blogger, there's my blog.

Thanks dude for being a jerk.

I have a lot to tell you but later on. I'm still picking up the pieces of my life but I'm on to healing. To use Kaye's words, today, the healing begins.

Ang Pagmamahal

Paano mo nga ba masasabi na nagmamahal ka? Ano nga ba ang sukatan ng pagmamahal? Pagmamahal nga ba ang nararamdaman mo?

Manood ka ng telenovela, tingnan mo ang mga pagsubok na dinadaanan ng dalawang nagmamahalan. Sumusuko ba sila? Hindi. Naghahanap ba sila ng iba? Hindi. Tuloy-tuloy at hindi napuputol.

Pagmamahal nga ba ang ipinakita mo sa akin? Naging totoo man lang ba ito kahit minsan? Bakit ka sumuko? Bakit mo ako iniwan?

Hindi ko akalaing magiging bida na naman ako ng isang telenovela. Hindi ko akalaing mangyayari ito sa akin. Gusto mong magalit ako sa iyo pero hindi ko iyon kayang gawin. Masyado kitang mahal para magalit sa iyo. Ang totoo, galit ako sa sarili ko. Dahil mas minahal kita kesa sa sarili ko. Dahil ikaw ang ginawa kong mundo. Dahil sa mas minahal kita kesa sa dapat kong unahin (at si God ang tinutukoy ko). Sa maniwala ka man o hindi, minahal kita at ibinigay ko sa iyo ang lahat ng sa akin na hindi na ako nagtira ng para sa sarili ko.

Ngunit ito pa ang naging kapalit.

Gusto kong pumayat, gusto kong magpaganda. Pero sabi nga ng isa kong katrabaho na natikman na ang lahat ng uri ng babae at ngayon ay matino na, na wala sa ganda iyan. Kapag nakita mo ang katapat mo, iyon na.

Akala ko ikaw na ang katapat ko. Akala ko ikaw na. Ilang beses kong pinagdasal na sana ikaw na nga. Na sana tayo ang magkatuluyan. Pero naging ganito. Hindi ko ito inaasahan. Pero wala na akong magawa.

Hanggang kelan kita dapat mahalin? Paano kita makakalimutan? Nagmove-on ka at iniwan mo ako pero dinala mo ang puso ko. Ibalik mo sa akin ang puso ko.

Kung tayo, tayo. Sa bandang huli, kahit anong mangyari, tayo pa rin. Kung hindi, sana lang makayanan ko ng mag-move on. Walang lingon-likod, dire-diretso. Yun lang ang paraan para makalimot ako. Pero paano ko ba malalaman? Bakit tayo humantong sa ganito?

Sabi ko sa iyo hindi na ko magbblog kase mahal kita. Pero heto nagbblog ako. Dahil ayoko ng guluhin ka sa email mo. Kung sakaling mabasa mo ito, maganda. Kung hindi...gaya ng pagmamahal na inukol ko para sa iyo, mababalewala lang ito. Mahal pa rin kita.

La Isla Bonita

The world is dark but I have to walk. I am embracing poverty, humbled for the nth time. But I don't care. I would continue to live. I would try to survive.

Heaven is the only place I would want to be in--to be with God. And though people are telling me that I suck BIG TIME, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.


La Isla Bonita
Written by Madonna, Pat Leonard, and Bruce Gaitsch
Como puede ser verdad

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro
Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song
A young girl with eyes like the desert
It all seems like yesterday, not far away

Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
I fell in love with San Pedro
Warm wind carried on the sea, he called to me
Te dijo te amo
I prayed that the days would last
They went so fast
Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
I want to be where the sun warms the sky
When it's time for siesta you can watch them go by
Beautiful faces, no cares in this world
Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girl

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro
It all seems like yesterday, not far away
Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to beLa isla bonita
And when the samba playedThe sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
La la la la la la la
Te dijo te amo
La la la la la la la
El dijo que te ama

I am the worst there is. I am a sinner. I deserve all the pain that I am feeling right now. I deserve to be condemned, to be unloved, to be considered a trash.

And I don't know what to do.

And God is the only One that I can trust. I give Him my life.

I am not asking anymore for any love, mercy, help from others. I am asking for their forgiveness for my every misgivings.

I have God who loves me.

La Isla Bonita

The world is dark but I have to walk. I am embracing poverty, humbled for the nth time. But I don't care. I would continue to live. I would try to survive.

Heaven is the only place I would want to be in--to be with God. And though people are telling me that I suck BIG TIME, I don't know what to do with myself anymore.


La Isla Bonita
Written by Madonna, Pat Leonard, and Bruce Gaitsch
Como puede ser verdad

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro
Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song
A young girl with eyes like the desert
It all seems like yesterday, not far away

Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
I fell in love with San Pedro
Warm wind carried on the sea, he called to me
Te dijo te amo
I prayed that the days would last
They went so fast
Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
I want to be where the sun warms the sky
When it's time for siesta you can watch them go by
Beautiful faces, no cares in this world
Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girl

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro
It all seems like yesterday, not far away
Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to beLa isla bonita
And when the samba playedThe sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
Tropical the island breeze
All of nature wild and free
This is where I long to be
La isla bonita
And when the samba played
The sun would set so high
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes
Your Spanish lullaby
La la la la la la la
Te dijo te amo
La la la la la la la
El dijo que te ama

I am the worst there is. I am a sinner. I deserve all the pain that I am feeling right now. I deserve to be condemned, to be unloved, to be considered a trash.

And I don't know what to do.

And God is the only One that I can trust. I give Him my life.

I am not asking anymore for any love, mercy, help from others. I am asking for their forgiveness for my every misgivings.

I have God who loves me.

Wake Me Up When September Ends 2

I can't believe it's all over. September has come. I don't want to face it but I have to.

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

The summer of our relationship has long been ended. I have to move on. But how?

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

His father and my father are both gone. I respect his and he respects mine. But that cannot seem to salvage "us".

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

It's been a long time since I last saw the sun. I'm so drenched in pain. I feel like there's no way out but to let the wave take me to where I should be.

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Will I ever forget him? I don't think so. Not now. It would take years. That's how hard it is. I wish God could just take away this pain instantly, after all, nothing is impossible for Him. But then, life is bounded to nature and nature has its rules. I should follow the rule of life.

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

It hurts a lot.

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

It's him that I want to spend the rest of my life with. But he couldn't see himself with me.

Yes, the innocent can never last. I have to face the pain. I just want to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.

Ang Aking Alaga

Ako ay may alaga. Ilang taon ko na siyang kinukupkop. Maraming takot sa kanya. Maraming may ayaw sa kanya. Pero dahil sa napamahal na ako sa alaga ko, hindi ko siya iniwan. Hindi ko siya pinabayaan.

Maraming beses na na naisip ko na iwan siya at palitan ng ibang alaga. Noon pa lang, nakita ko na na pwede akong saktan ng alaga kong ito. Pero andyan sya, tinitingnan ko at alam ko namang mahal ko pa rin siya.

Marami akong ibinasurang ibang alaga para lamang sa kanya. Mga alagang mas mabuti pa sana kay sa kanya. Pero dahil mahal ko ang alaga ko, siya pa rin ang pinili kong alagaan.

Pero dumaan ang mga panahon, at unti-unti kong nakikita ang tunay na kulay ng aking alaga. Ayaw na niyang paalaga sa akin. Sa bawat pagdaan ng araw nagpupumiglas siyang makawala sa kanyang hawla. Sinubukan ko siyang ibalik sa akin, pero bawat gawin ko ay balewala sa kanya. Nakalimutan ko na ang aking sarili, para lamang sa alaga ko. Pero hindi niya ito alam, at hindi niya ito nakikita. O kung alam man niya at nakikita, hindi niya pinapansin. Para sa kanya, kalayaan ang isinisigaw niya.

Sa bawat pagdaan ng araw, nahihirapan ako. Ngunit ngayon ay naunawaan ko na.

Ang ahas, kahit anong pag-aaruga ang ibigay mo, ay mananatiling ahas. Traydor, manloloko, manlilinlang. Muntikan na nga niya akong tuklawin para tuluyan ng patayin. Kaya ang ginawa ko, isang araw, pinakawalan ko na siya. Hinayaan ko na siyang pumunta sa mundo niya--doon sa kagubatan. Dito ako sa lugar ng kabihasnan at lugar ng mga tao, doon siya sa lugar niya.

Alam ko sa mga oras na ito, nakakita na siya ng ibang kauri niya, kung saan mas magiging masaya siya. Andun pa rin ang pagmamahal ko sa alaga ko, pero panahon naman para alagaan ko ang sarili ko.