Encouraging Thyself

Who are my friends? Where are my friends? I've been asking myself these questions for several months now.

It has been a struggle to continue with what I'm doing but I have no choice but to go on. A lot of people has been hurting me whether they are aware or not. I'm not being sensitive, or maybe I am. I hate this about myself. I'm an outcast in elementary making me to be ultra observant to people's actions in highschool. I considered myself "mature and strong". I was "above them all" because it seemed that I was the only one aware when a person was hurting another. I remembered always praying for the gift of strength, wisdom, and UNDERSTANDING.

In college, my very concern was whether I would fit in or not--whether I would have friends or not. Luckily, I met wonderful friends who love me all of me. But then, the difficulty of passing my course ate up most of my attention and so I forgot about my "ability".

But then several months ago, I found myself in that familiar situation. The ability to trust has been the focus. That and all of my real friends fleeing the country. It took months before I was able to adjust. And I'm still adjusting.

I've realized that it hurts to care but that's my nature and so it's natural to be hurt.

I hate to be alone. That's why I'm grateful for E because he is always there. Imagine if he isn't there, it's gonna be extra hard. But I'm beginning to accept and let go. Accept that there are just people who cannot understand. Karma exists. Let go of people I'm trying too hard to please but still push me away.

I'm grateful for every act of kindness. In this world full of bitches and assholes, lovely people still roam every once in a while and that helps. I'm still alone most of the time--I still see myself alone at the end of the day. I find myself going to the mall alone, watching the sunset alone, dropping by churches alone, walking the streets alone, but despite that I am at peace. I find myself readily forgiving people who hurt me. I can still laugh. I can still see lovely people and I try to show my appreciation. I may be aloof or antisocial for some but I'm the girl who will listen to philcares, guards...I try to reach out in my own way. I find comfort in their company. And those lucky ones can say "Mabait naman pala siya..." Yes I am. And there's more--I am also sincere. A little frank but sincere.

I found myself laughing some days ago over silly things (silly for me)...I haven't done that for quite a while. I find myself crying for different topics like religion, God and I realize that I can cry already because I am more in touch with myself. With that I know that I am now going to be okay.

I am happy again.


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