3

Divisoria Trip

Sometimes, I get tired from pushing my dreams into reality--I get tired from doing what makes me fulfilled. Sometimes I feel like I'm just pretending to be someone else. That I am living in a world that exists only in my head. Isn't that what dreaming is all about?

Several failures and rejections cannot make me immune from pain.

Sometimes I just want to give up.

But I don't want to.

There is something missing.
0

Nice one

"You look nice," the employer said to me. My only consolation because for the nth time, I was not suitable to be a salesperson because of my weight. I am no longer surprised.

I am into bangles now and summer arrived this noon after the sky washed away the earth of the remnants of the holidays. So even though my day's event didn't turn out great, i still feel good.
4

I Wonder

I am fond of reading the medical abstracts of our patients/customers--especially when the patient is young. I have interesting patients but most recently, one of them caught my attention:

According to the patient: Akala nila may sakit ako...
According to the mother: Para siyang wala sa sarili...

I wonder what God thinks about schizophrenics...

I love listening to songs because of the rhythm and the lyrics. And here is one lyrics that made me rethink about my life.

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're
wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

This lyrics made me think of my friends who are busy with their lives doing the things they love...I wonder how does it feel to finally live a dream.

Yesterday was the 3rd death anniversary of my father. I have written an article about him but it was too revealing that I don't want to create issues over the people I personally know. So I guess, it is best to keep it in my diary.

Last night, I had a great night out with Raymond. And he made me think this:

People always think that they can buy happiness. And they get
frustrated and disappointed when they can't buy it. The truth is they can
never ever buy happiness, knowing where to look to buy it is not even the
answer. It's because happiness is for free--you just have to take
it.
0

The point is...

I am at a point where I can say that I have everything I need. Where i am happy. Where I am satisfied. Of course most of my dreams are still hanging there at the stars still unreachable. But looking around me, I have no reason not to be happy. I have my family. I have friends. I have work. I have some fun. I am able to do the things that I love. I have someone who loves me. Life is not perfect. The cross is still very much on my shoulder. But I guess, I should just stop whining and actually live my life.

What you feel is what you are And what you are is beautiful...

There will come a time when I have to move out of this point in my life--to where new challenges await me. But I believe, everything happens for a reason. We are planted where we grow best. If that time comes, then I will just have to do what I must, to live my life the best way I can, to never forget the things I love doing, to never forget love at all, and to keep in mind the center of my life.

...

I have a fun line-up for this year. Hopefully, one of my dreams will come true this year. I may not be just like them, but still I want to do what I want.

I've been busy last week. I would have wanted to write about the events of last week but I kinda forgot about them. Hehe...

I am teaching myself photoshop. :)

I miss my friends.
4

Just for the sake of...

It's been a while since I last posted anything here. Well, just for the sake of updating here I am.

Life has been bittersweet as usual. I am finally able to admit that I am inlove with him.

Then I happen to come across profiles of my friends on friendster. And it made me depressed. They are all successful in their careers. They seem to be happy. And ako...I am happy but there are still a lot missing in my life. A lot.

Anyway, bakit ganun...dati ako yung gustung-gustong umalis ng bansa. Sabi ko sa sarili ko ako ang mauunang umalis sa mga kaibigan ko. Pero heto, isa-isa na silang nag-aalisan at ako na lang ang naiwan. Kung sino pa ang mga di ko inakalang aalis ng bansa (kase nakikita ko namang masaya na sila dito at okay na ang kalagayan nila dito) eh sila pa ang mga umalis. At ako, andito pa rin ako.

How ironic talaga!

Ganun ba talaga ang buhay?

Anyway, yesterday I watched my brother and his band Morsel performed in an acoustic band contest. From their practice, I have observed that they weren't really ready, kumbaga kulang pa sa practice. But still, the contest was a good exposure. Since the contest time was early I decided to watch them in SM Lipa. They were the 2nd to play. Their performance was generally okay but the speaker and balancing wasn't okay. Oh well, acoustic is new to them. Rock is really their forte.

I bought perfumes after the contest. They didn't win of course but that's okay.

I also happen to watch a war movie on my way to work today. People are in different shit. We all have our own problems. It's just a matter of how well you carry or how well you can wipe that shit out of your life.

Heart's day is coming. I am not really expecting anything sweet but I just hope that v-day will be fun for me.

Continuing on...

Lately, I've been spending time with Jhonna and Brenty at the Med Lib. It's actually my favorite library in my school but somehow I find myself preferring to stay at Uni Lib instead. Maybe because I can't really make noise in Med Lib, or maybe it's because I don't want my old frustration to come back. But a day after lang, my frustration came back.

I always want to be a doctor. Or a med student. Being a med student is one of the best life in the world. Yeah there are sleepless nights from studying and everything related to that. Yeah there are difficult times in internship, but just by observing them--okay! How I wish I am rich.

It's stressful to process meds especially if I am not familiar with the price. It really takes getting used to.

Anyway, cns/ans has always been one of the topics that I really want to understand but is to lazy to try. But I get a hold of a hand-out about it. Concise and complete. Too bad the font is boring and small. You'll feel sleepy right away just by looking at it. But once you get the hang of it--okay na.

Sana nga there is still hope.
2
I finally got to watch Heroes on DVD. Okay siya. Galing ng story. Kung di lang ako natatakot na masira ang tv at DVD namin dahil sa sobrang tagal kong nanonood, tatapusin ko na sana yung buong season 1.

Napanood ko na rin ang The Holiday...sa dvd. Kuripot ang lola ayaw manood sa sinehan. Hehe...

My sched is 7 to 330. Processing area ko ngayon. Fortunately wala namang nang-away sa aking pasyente. Usual lang na reklamo.

Spent few minutes with Jhonna and Brent. Dati si Kim and Faith. Hay naku, I miss my friends.
2

Love

I feel so much better now. I am not angry anymore.

I come across this passage from the bible. Taken from 1 Corinthians 13.

What if I could speak
all languages of humans and angels?
If I did not love others,
I would be nothing more than a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

What if I could prophesy and understand all secrets and all
knowledge?
And what if I had faith that moved mountains?
I would be nothing, unless I loved others.

What if I gave away all that I owned and let myself be burned alive?
I would gain nothing, unless I loved others.

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude.
Love isn't selfish or quick tempered.
It doesn't keep record of wrongs that others do.
Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.
Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
Love never fails!

Everyone who prophesies will stop, and unknown languages will no longer be
spoken.
All that we know will be forgotten.
We donn't know everything and our prophecies are not complete.
But what is perfect will someday appear, and what isn't perfect will then
disappear.

When we were children, we thought and reasoned as children do.
But then we grew up, we quit our childish ways.
Now all we can see of God is like a cloudy picture in a mirror.
Later we will see him face to face.
We don't know everything but then we will, just as God completely
understands us.
For now there are faith, hope, and love.
But of these three, the greatest is love.

God knows what I am going through. I trust in Him. Oh I feel much better.
0
Meron akong bagong pinagkakaabalahan--smelling perfumes sa mall. Gusto ko kaseng mag-mix ng imitation para tumagal din scent niya.

Anyway, another hobby. I come back to DVD watching--sa mall malapit sa amin, marami sa sidewalk na nagbebenta ng DVDs. May House season 3 na pala. Syempre excited na akong mapanood yun.

Anyway, lahat ng tao comment sa akin is mataray and suplada, and seryoso. Ewan ko ba. Ang alam ko hindi naman ako dating ganito. I used to be shy and quiet. But maybe being a constant underdog made me build a wall around myself. The more painful it is, the higher and the thicker the wall formed. This wall caused me to store anger inside but knowing that keeping bad feelings inside is never good, I always find the need to let it out. And so whenever I find someone or something irritating, I cuss or I made a nasty comment.

I have been constantly rejected by people and circumstances and it hurts everytime. But I later realize that all pains go away. That all rejections will pass. But I can't help but be afraid everytime I sense that something or someone is going to reject me. And so when I know that I have no business over that person or circumstance, I just let them go. I try not to force them to like me.

But when the need to please others arise, I do what i must without pretending to be someone I am not. And when I fail at that, I will always hate that person--that there is no way we could be friends.

I ask for help if I need one. and when I do ask for help, they better help me. Especially when they are the ones who volunteered to assist me in the first place. Never leave me hanging. Or else...or else another anger will be built inside me and I will have to find a way to let you know that I am mad at you.

I am so angry at myself right now for letting them get away with hurting me. I should fight back but I should not. I am so angry at myself that instead of venting out my anger I let it affect my body--thus I am really overweight and that's not good because I will be prone to illnesses.

I am so angry with people who have betrayed me.

I am so angry at people who think I cannot make it.

I am so angry at the politics in my workplace.

I am so angry for being misunderstood.

I am so angry that maybe that's what's causing my body pains.

I am so angry right now. Period.

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