I left only to arrive (again) with my Mom on the phone with my Aunt. They were laughing and so I figured that their talk was "successful". I wanted to cry. Cry because I know that my life is totally out of my control. That was why when Mom called me to speak with my Aunt, I acted like a spoiled brat and refused to talk with her. What would I tell her? What would I answer her? I might just burst into tears.
Their offer was great. Really. It was for the best. But I am not happy. I have my plans. I've told you in my previous entry that working in Dubai and making it on my own would really make me happy. I was already happy just thinking about it. But to my disappointment, there is still hope for me somewhere other than Dubai. Crazy. I am but that's what my heart says.
I know what will make me happy but I know that it would not be complete if I know that some of my loved ones are not happy with my decision. I do not want to be selfish. And so here I am, trying to do what is best. Giving up my happiness. I just hope that happiness is really meant for me. Because I really love my happiness.
Sometimes, I just want to give up. But something tells me that I should just hold on. I should hold on tight. The tidal waves are still around me. Enveloping me. Trying to suffocate me. But I know that it will pass and everything will fall into place. I just have to hold on. I should hold on to this love I have for my family, for God, and for Mark--my happiness.
And with that, I will be on hiatus, that's what bloggers call it, but I would want to call it hibernation. I need to focus on my review because I might have a major exam as in MAJOR EXAM in September. And that is so near. But I'll be around.
That comment really hurt me.
Truth is I am not like any girls. While other girls were busy thinking of when to get a foot/body/hair spa, i am busy thinking about my life, about this society, about my work, about God, about my family, about my future, about him, about the latest songs and movies. Girls usually spend a lot on fashion. I would not buy new clothes unless all of my wardrobe are already damaged. I do not want to catch boys'/men's attention by dressing up. I would rather be their friend so they would listen to my opinions. And besides my mind is already made up. I have someone in my heart and mind. But I know deep in my heart that I am not a lesbian. I am straight girl. And he is who I love.
What is instinct? I've searched Merriam Webster and this is what I've found:
Main Entry: 1inÂ·stinct
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin instinctus impulse, from instinguere to incite; akin to Latin instigare to instigate
1 : a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity instinct for the right word>
2 a : a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason b : behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level
- inÂ·stincÂ·tuÂ·al /in-'sti[ng](k)-ch&-w&l, -ch&l, -shw&l/ adjective
- inÂ·stincÂ·tuÂ·alÂ·ly adverb
I sure have girl instinct. Love? I tried looking up the definition of that word but I guess no definition would suffice to describe my love for him. Maybe I'm just crazy but I know I love him. And it hurts a lot when he accuses me that what I am feeling is not love at all. If I fail to make him see the affection I'm giving him, is it my fault? I think there is nothing I can do about his views. I believe that I can only change myself. It is up to him if he would admit to himself that it is love I am feeling for him. And that I am doing my best to show him my affection.
I am really going through a lot of pressures. People are getting mad at me for not doing anything. I am confused. I don't know where to go. I would have chosen one over the other but the people in those were so unsupportive. I am enticed not to heed to their call or their propositions. I want to make it on my own. But then I am very much weak and so idealistic. I am the kind who won't survive in this world/society because I often refuse to adhere to the culture.
I am different. I am not like other girls or any other people.
I am miserable because I do not want to lose him. I am running out of ideas just so he would let me stay in his heart. I should just have let him go but I can't just do that. I want to fight for his love although I am the girl. There are so many things I can do but I know that whatever will happen to me, I would still need to shed some tears.
I feel so alone.
Sure I have friends, but friends are not always there for me because they have their own problems. Family can be supportive but they usually do not get what I am feeling and why I am like these. God is the only One who can help me.
Things will fall into place. I know that because God is there. I just hope he will still be there. I don't know. Maybe I'm just really crazy.
What I really Want.
This is what's gonna make me happy:
Going to Dubai to work as a pharmacist. I don't want to live with Mark yet but I'm hoping to see him everyday. I want to save money and be the one to send my siblings to school. They're now in college. My brother's taking up BS Nursing and my sister is taking up BS Psychology. I want to help my family. It does not matter if everything in Dubai is difficult. I know I will be happy there. I know I can shine there.
I pray to God that He will allow me to work there.
Please join me in my prayer.
Anyway, last Saturday I watched Islamusik on ABC5 and World Music was featured. It made me admire these world music artists. And once again, i fell in love with the Filipino culture. With all of the pressures and pains of living like the Westerners, living just like our katutubos is much better.
These musicians may have a different taste in music but they sure know their stuff. They are intelligent and concern with our country.
I now figure out how this society works...there are artists who ignite the spirit of patriotism or mere awareness of our state and how beautiful our country is. BUT they are not the one in power or position. All they can do is to move us. But the government officials can really do something either good or bad to our country. Problem with these officers is that they do not know how beautiful this country is.
Lions. My relatives have some things against people who are under the sign Leo. They say Leos act like kings. They are lazy and nothing but trouble. The way I see it, they are 80% right. But hey, I don't want to stir some violent reaction from anyone. That is not my point here. Back to the movie, I have learned some surprising lessons. These lessons give me hope.
There is always an exception to the rule. Just like the pig which thinks of itself as a dog. And then there is the lion itself. It was a jungle lion but it was not as ferrocious as the usual lions. So Walter (the kid in the movie) took care of it. After some weeks, it became alive and surprisingly cuddly. Although it is still the lion which attacks anyone who hurts Walter. Protection.
Leadership. Those are their nature.
It takes great courage to make a difference. I need a lot of courage.
The game ain't over 'til it's over. Life is full of hope.
In the end, it's still your decision. It's your life, live it.
Although I've suffered from incessant nose bleeding, diarrhea, and gastric pain, I am happy (my mood's picking up!) because I think I am losing weight. I am still fat and overweight but this is a start. And I am happy.
I am thinking of changing my layout. But not right now, maybe some time next week.
How can you heal a broken heart? How can you teach to forgive?
The truth is right in front of me. But I don't want to face it. Not yet. I cannot accept it now.
I love him and he does not love me anymore.
- We both love to write.
- We have loving families.
- We are ambitious.
- We both want the best for us up to the point when we are becoming too ideal.
- He has a loving and supportive girlfriend, I have a disoriented boyfriend.
- He is rich. I am working.
- He has a lunatic brother, I am the lunatic.
Actually, it does not matter to me whatever our similarities or differences are, what matters is the lessons being imparted in the movie. That is, we can still be happy even if we do not get the "best". Just like him, he can still write although he chose not to study in Stanford. It depends on the person.
My point here is that I can be happy even if I do not choose the richest country. I might become ultra rich, but I know deep inside I'll be miserable. I have been finding it difficult to go on with life because I am trying to do what they want. (The spotlight is beaming onto me...) However, that is not what I want. But who knows, maybe, something good will come out of this.
My heart is bleeding--duh!
But it is a good humbling experience for me. And these are hte lessons I have learned:
1. Be humble. Humility will take you places. I've known that before but I guess, pride always get in the way. That's why it happened.
2. For everyone with the same profession like me, always be reminded of CGMP (Current Good Manufacturing Practices).
3. When you're a professional, act like a professional.
4. Keep holding on to God...never give up.
5. Never trust anyone who has broken your trust before. That is professionally speaking. By anyone I mean, those who have not done anyhting to earn back your trust.
6. Never expect sympathy from anyone at work.
7. You can think of 1001 reasons to start a fight but you'll end up angrier. Or you can think of 1002 reasons to avoid it, and have your peace of mind afterwards.
8. Be gentle but strict.
9. God is gentle, protective but strict. He's very strict because He does not want me to go astray.
10. Karma works for everyone. Believe me. Beware.
11. Blood is definitely thicker that water and more important than hormones.
On other thoughts.
Last Thursday after duty, I went home. The trip was not enjoyable because the AC was full blast, and that made my gall bladder to nearly explode. But I have to restrain that...yeah of course! The traffic was moderately heavy. Plus, I got carsick or should I say FX sick on the way to the bus stop.
I just watched TV shows with my Mom, bro, and Lyn. My sister was busy with her college life so she was not around most of the time. The next morning I had to hurry back to Manila.
Work was tiring because I had to talk with our customers. My throat hurts and I feel like I'm developing a cold. Why does cold called cold? Is it because you feel cold? Duh! Anyway, I have to pop some vitamins for that.
I had a dream about him--the love of my life. We were sweet in it. I hope it happens in real life.
Oh btw, the recent life-changing event that happened to me made me change for the better. I take consolation with the fact that everyday is a chance to be better.
I bought some new notebooks. I feel happy.
I am also thinking of changing my career. I want to study computer programming/software. I wish some good souls would act as my benefactor. I am a great student. I would pay you back by working in your company after I graduated.
This morning, I found myself up and awake. I prepared to go to Manila. Mom and Lyn walked me to the street where I could get a ride. I was calm.
I went to work. Saw my co-worker. We greeted each other. I was not in my uniform. Had some trouble with my supervisor. My supervisor did not mention about my problem. I guess for her it was not a big deal. But for me--what happened was really a big deal. I was not allowed to be seen by the people because of my clothes. So I did an intern's job all throughout our shift.
My friend Kim went to our place to have her orientation and training. Finally she's with me already. At least someone would relate to me whenever I would tell her about my work.
Had to go back to Lipa. I don't mind the stress and the long hours of travel. I want to watch my teleseryes. Hehe...Lucky Manzano was at Kampanerang Kuba and the moment I saw him there--I laughed. It was like a comedy show na. Di na serious. Maybe because Lucky M. has been known to be makulit. I don't know him that well but it was my reaction. I'm gonna watch that show again so I would laugh again.
Current news has been full of Gloria stories. I don't pity them that much because they also did those things to Erap. Weather-weather lang iyan. But if you're going to ask for my opinion. I would rather not have another impeachment/EDSA 3/revolution. The country is already slumped in poverty. It does not need further destabilization. I hope Gloria would really do something about our country's problems. It would take a miracle though. But well, miracles do happen.
I have no choice but to stand up and face them. This is when I have to act my part. This is my moment. Should I be the villain or the heroine in my own story? This is my chance to act and be the best actress of my life. Stories are weaved before me. But I won't let it be against me. I'll be the heroine. This is my story--a beautiful story indeed. And this is my time to shine.
Please pray for me. These things have been the toughest of my trials to date.
I envy them.
No I don't envy their predicaments. But I envy their smiles--sincere and real. My smile is rarely seen. This is because when I'm angry I am frowning, when I'm sad, I look sad. People find me unapproachable because of this. But if there is one thing I can be proud of with my rare smile, it's the fact that when you see me smile, that means it's full of sincerity, warmth, gladness. It's real and it's pure.
Back to the unknown faces, it's ironic but the only time I get to be touched by them is when I am walking the grounds of my workplace just like them. I can see their tired, hopeless but still hoping faces. I can see people with pure heart. I cannot see these things when I'm inside our area. Why? Because people look at us like we are there to give them pain, that we're their enemy. That hurts and so we (the people inside) tend to build our defenses and act just like them. The problem with most of our customers is that they don't know that what we're doing is service to them. Of course we have our salaries but the work we're putting and the service we're giving cannot be paid by any amount of money. We need respect and appreciation. We try to understand that the people we're serving have problems because their loved ones are sick or dying but it doesn't give them the right to DISRESPECT anyone. And if they disrespect us, no matter how kind we are, we won't be able to let them get away with that.
This goes out not only to those people confined in our workplace. This goes out to anyone who would be bringing their loved ones to our workplace someday. When the lines are long and you still choose to fall in line just to buy medicines from us, don't pressure us to move fast. Because the fact is, we're moving the fastest that we can. And we are here to serve you. Be thankful. Appreciate us. And RESPECT us.
But just like other tuklong-an it has to end because it is just a novena to Mama Mary with a twist (because mini-programs were held after the rosary and flower offering). Tapusan is celebrated with Santacruzan/Flores de Mayo/sagala.
Last June 4 I took the day off. I went to Lipa to attend to some important things and to participate in the celebration.
End of Tuklong-an.
It ended last May 30. But people still prayed the rosary every night after that although there were no programs or free food afterwards. They did that just to pray and meet.
Last June 3, Fr. Pusikit held a mass there. I did not attend the mass because we were busy preparing the house and the food that Fr. Pusikit and company would eat after the mass.
Fr. Pusikit went there and ate breakfast. He talked with us. I wasn't really there to hear what he was saying but I liked his style.
He really does understand the masses. He has drug pusher friends, prostitutes, and all the other trashes of society. He is a missionary kase and I like to hear more of what he is going to say. So I guess, I'll frequent the church from now on. Truth is, I was kind of losing faith in the priests of our parish even if I have a relative priest. They just seem so unreachable. Good thing, I met Fr. Pusikit. There is hope for my faith in the church after all.
Morning of Tapusan.
That morning all were busy. I was busy with my papers, others were busy preparing the stage and the "bankulong". There were music and people were excited. Others were slaughtering a pig to be cooked later that day for the guests and the participants.
Sagala (procession with beautiful gowned people) was to be held at 4 in the afternoon. We were waiting for Ate Emily to come because Kaye and Jenica were two of the Reyna Elenas. At almost 4, everyone was ready except for my relatives. And people were pressuring them to move fast. We were all like trying to help whatever we can. I helped in gowning my nieces while having a grand time teasing my sister ( she was the Mama Mary).
The sagala started. Mom and I supported my sister. She was supposed to be Mary but then she had no "bankulong" of her own. It didn't look right to see "Mama Mary" walking alone because Mama Mary always has a companion be it in the movies or in the procession and so it would turn out to be a disaster sana but then the organizers were able to give her a partner so she would not look pitiful. I was proud of my sister though because she has the most important role in the sagala. And she was the one who designed her costume.
Cousins and other relatives joined in the procession to support our younger relatives who were participating in it. I was sure they were also reminiscing the past, when we were the ones with the gown and the "bankulong" and sash. I never get to be the Reyna Elena but I have participated in countless sagalas before. Being in it would make you feel beautiful and flattered by the people's comments.
The sagala started from the tuklong (small church, thanks Russ!) then to Sabang Subdivision then to A. Bonifacio St., then to H. Latorre, then to G.B. Lontok then back again to the tuklong.
That was fun just like old times. I also gave out candies to the participants because I believed that they would get thirsty and tired from walking. They needed instant ebergy. They appreciated naman what I did.
Next in Line Beauties.
It is time to give the limelight to my younger relatives. It is their time to bloom. They are the next in line beauties. And it is our job to keep them good and be the best in evrything that they will do.
After the sagala, there was a singing contest entitled "Timpalak sa Awitan". It was supposed to be an amateur singing contest but then a lot of professional singers joined and most of them were from far flung places (as far as Tanay, Rizal, Quezon City, Quezon Province).
First prize was P5000, second prize P3000, third prize was P1500, fourth prize was P1500. There was also a special award worth P1000 to be given to the donor's personal choice.
But before that, we ate dinner. There was also an awarding of winners from the 3 on 3 basketball game.. Most of my cousins won. Of course almost all of us in the community were related.
My brother and his team (the band team according to the announcer) won a special award. The Most Behave Team. Haha, they were the last kase. Kulelat. Kaya they gave them an award. My bro and his friends were not around that time and so I took the trophy. Funny thing is, I was holding a plastic of coke and Nova when I went up the stage to take the trophy. My relatives were laughing at me. It was even caught on video. Embarrassing but I don't mind.
The singing contest was a success. 32 participants joined. Most were between 18 to 35, there were also children. The guy kid won the contest. He was from Tanay Rizal and he was only 11.
There were lots of intermission numbers. Beat Unlimited danced. Trisha danced. The Christian Youth danced. They were wearing shirts with Choose Jesus print and they danced to the tume of Sa Yahweh by Gary V. They were really good. I was impressed.
Ryan Sabaybay, the champion of Star Dance Idol ABS went there to dance. People asked him to dance again. He would have obliged but then his companions did not allow him. And that was so bad. I hated his companions and that made me ignore Ryan even if we were in the same room (we went to Kuya Carling's house to eat dinner while Ryan and co. were resting for a while).
My brother's band (Morsel) won 3rd place last night. I am happy for them. They could have won 1st place but then the 2 greatest bands (Adam's Cry and that one I don't know) in Lipa joined in that contest and so Morsel won 3rd.
Natutuwa nga ako eh kase kaninang umaga, one of his bandmates called me while I was going back to our house, "Ate! Nanalo kami 3rd kagabi. Alam mo na ba?" He was cheerful and I was surprised.
Hmm...Ate...matanda na talaga! Haha!
And to my dear, dear brother, Happy Birthday!
A lot of artists nowadays are really becoming good in imitating foreign artists. Does this show that Filipinos are forgetting their culture? We have a rich culture. And we are Filipinos. The fact is that any Filipinos who have spend some years living in this place are still Filipinos no matter what their citizenships are now. Nakakahiya kayo kung kakalimutan ninyo ang sarili ninyong kultura.
And to those people who are asking what are the cultures are that are entirely are own, I feel sorry for them. And as for me, I vow to keep the culture alive. I will help in reliving the cultures and to live in it. I hope you would do it, too.