No Girl Instinct

It's hard to be accused. Especially when the accusation is not true. One time, the most special person in my life commented that I was so boyish that I lacked girl instinct. That made me clueless about love and what love was. He said I did not know how to love.
That comment really hurt me.
Truth is I am not like any girls. While other girls were busy thinking of when to get a foot/body/hair spa, i am busy thinking about my life, about this society, about my work, about God, about my family, about my future, about him, about the latest songs and movies. Girls usually spend a lot on fashion. I would not buy new clothes unless all of my wardrobe are already damaged. I do not want to catch boys'/men's attention by dressing up. I would rather be their friend so they would listen to my opinions. And besides my mind is already made up. I have someone in my heart and mind. But I know deep in my heart that I am not a lesbian. I am straight girl. And he is who I love.
What is instinct? I've searched Merriam Webster and this is what I've found:
Main Entry: 1in·stinct
Pronunciation: 'in-"sti[ng](k)t
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin instinctus impulse, from instinguere to incite; akin to Latin instigare to instigate
1 : a natural or inherent aptitude, impulse, or capacity instinct for the right word>
2 a : a largely inheritable and unalterable tendency of an organism to make a complex and specific response to environmental stimuli without involving reason b : behavior that is mediated by reactions below the conscious level
- in·stinc·tu·al /in-'sti[ng](k)-ch&-w&l, -ch&l, -shw&l/ adjective
- in·stinc·tu·al·ly adverb
I sure have girl instinct. Love? I tried looking up the definition of that word but I guess no definition would suffice to describe my love for him. Maybe I'm just crazy but I know I love him. And it hurts a lot when he accuses me that what I am feeling is not love at all. If I fail to make him see the affection I'm giving him, is it my fault? I think there is nothing I can do about his views. I believe that I can only change myself. It is up to him if he would admit to himself that it is love I am feeling for him. And that I am doing my best to show him my affection.
I am really going through a lot of pressures. People are getting mad at me for not doing anything. I am confused. I don't know where to go. I would have chosen one over the other but the people in those were so unsupportive. I am enticed not to heed to their call or their propositions. I want to make it on my own. But then I am very much weak and so idealistic. I am the kind who won't survive in this world/society because I often refuse to adhere to the culture.
I am different. I am not like other girls or any other people.
I am miserable because I do not want to lose him. I am running out of ideas just so he would let me stay in his heart. I should just have let him go but I can't just do that. I want to fight for his love although I am the girl. There are so many things I can do but I know that whatever will happen to me, I would still need to shed some tears.
I feel so alone.
Sure I have friends, but friends are not always there for me because they have their own problems. Family can be supportive but they usually do not get what I am feeling and why I am like these. God is the only One who can help me.
Things will fall into place. I know that because God is there. I just hope he will still be there. I don't know. Maybe I'm just really crazy.
What I really Want.
This is what's gonna make me happy:
Going to Dubai to work as a pharmacist. I don't want to live with Mark yet but I'm hoping to see him everyday. I want to save money and be the one to send my siblings to school. They're now in college. My brother's taking up BS Nursing and my sister is taking up BS Psychology. I want to help my family. It does not matter if everything in Dubai is difficult. I know I will be happy there. I know I can shine there.
I pray to God that He will allow me to work there.
Please join me in my prayer.


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