The 3am habit is back. The urge to shout, to run, and to cause trouble to myself is so strong, it hurts.
I've been thinking about the development in my life. November is about to end and it has been months after our breakup.
I am through sobbing helplessly whenever and wherever the urge to sob hit me. I am through telling everyone in my workplace about the state of my lovelife. And I have been lucky because people are kind enough to listen to me. Most of them gave good advices.
I am through waiting for the special songs that I've put spells into. It's been days since I last heard any of them and even if I hear any of them, I don't think it can do anything to bring back what we've had.
I have reread the prayers I've petitioned to the saints. I realized that their answer is no.
There came a point when he came back to me. He came back not because he loves me but because he was afraid to be alone. Whenever he would encounter a problem or whenever he and his girl would fight, he would run to me. I became a spare tire.
He did that to me twice. But he still hasn't learned his lessons because he would always go back to his old ways. And then, I grew tired of hoping that he really loved me and that he would come to fight for our love.
Avoiding to curse and loathe him, I use this anger to pull me up away from the waste basket he has thrown me into. I use this and I find myself wanting to unlove him. Waiting for him is over. No woman is deserving of the pain that I have gone through. No man is worth crying for. Because if he is, then he wouldn't let you cry at all. I realize that he never really loved me because he let me go through this pain. He didn't fight for our love because he didn't really love me in the first place.
Where is he now? He's happily f***ing his new girl (well, it's true!) Maybe they're now inlove with each other. Maybe they'll be married sooner. It hurts. Anger embraces me. I cry still, most of the time. But this time, every pain, every tear, every anger, every bitterness will drive me to be better. These negative feelings will help me become a better person.
As of now, I am in this stage. I don't know what will happen to me but then God is still very much aware of my existence. He loves me so much that He wants to give the best for me. He is molding me to be the best that I can be.
I trust in God. And I truly love God.
I thank God for all of these. I thank Him for every cells in my body working just to keep me alive. I thank Him for the sun, the moon, the air. I thank Him for this life He let me have.
Someday, when I have completely moved on, I know I would forgive him--my past, too. But right now, I just hope that God forgives me for being angry. I also hope that the process of moving on will be quick.
Today I tried to buy my happiness. It worked. And though I know this won't be for long, I'm satisfied because I feel good about myself. Doing it for myself makes me feel that I am loving and pampering myself. The journey is still long but I know that I can get back my happiness along the way. Hopefully...sooner.
Life will always be beautiful.
women--she's Madonna. Madonna the singer. Look at her, she's a
survivor and she still continues to reinvent herself. Right now, I believe
in one of her songs. I can relate to it.
You think that I can't live without your love
can't go on another day.
You think I have nothing
by my side,
Somehow, some way
You think that I can
never laugh again
You think that you destroyed my faith in
You think after all you've done
I'll never find my way back
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay
All on my own
I don't need anyone this time
It will be
No one can take it from me
You think that you
but you are weak
It takes more strength to
I have truth on my side,
You only have
You'll see, somehow, someday
I don't need anyone at all
I know I'll survive
I know I'll stay
I'll stand on my own
I won't need anyone this time
It will be
No one can take it from me
It was also a bummer yesterday because the compilations of [scrubs] I bought were not good. I've wasted my money for nothing. Life's like that. And speaking of, shit does happen to people. My friend who has stayed with us for several years now left us. It's a long story but what can I do? I told her she could stay with us but she didn't want to. For whatever reason it happened, I hope it's for the better.
Another is also finding a hard time dealing with the old people from her work. Most soldiers are pigs. You should know how to deal with them. I should know, I have lived most of my life watching them in our neighborhood.
I am really interested in wines and alcohols and bars. I wish I could ask someone about those things. But it's not the right thing to do. And so I think, I should just do my own research. In my spare time, I would.
That's it for now. Nothing much is happening to me.
My friends were teasing me though, they were expecting me to be sad and depressed. But I told them, I now choose to be happy.
Last night I bugged people in my phonebook with my forwarded messages. One of my friends even texted me:
Friend: "Ano b to nguubos kb ng load? Pangapat m ng msg to today ha.. get over it. ano b gsto m gawin?
(whoah! friend ko talaga siga pa rin hanggang ngayon...:) hehe...)
Me: Nakaunlimited po ako ngayon
Hay buhay...pero masaya pa rin ako kahit na nasindak niya ako. This morning I went to my boss to get my SPL form signed. Talking with her wouldn't be complete kung hindi niya ako tatarayan. And she did. But that's okay.
Maam Mara cornered me at CB today. She was concerned with my weight. She was concerned because I have lost a lot of it but the thing is I am concerned with my weight now because I am gaining weight again. I am back to my old happy self. Believe me kahit na I am always frowning. That just means I lack sleep. Insomnia makes me impatient to my patients...hehe.
I made up my mind. I am going to buy season 1 of [scrubs].
But I'm digging [scrubs] and I have this terrible longing to buy Season 1 to 3. Hmmm...hmmm...
Today is the 11th birthday of my inaanak Kaye. I went to their place to eat and celebrate with them.
Tonight, I'm lucky to see this night. The lights, the sky, the emptiness of my workplace, the darkness...tonight is a beautiful night. It makes me happy.
Have you noticed that there are lots of beautiful women around? Almost everyone have polished looks. That they kinda all look the same. I'm not sourgraping or anything but I sometimes feel like I should do what they are all doing. Knowing myself, trying to look good only comes seasonally. I'm comfortable with being simple. Especially when I have a lot on my mind, I don't care that much about my looks. But sometimes all these beautiful people make me ask my own self if I'm beautiful or not. With the recent breakup...well...what'w with superficial beauty? Subukan mong tanggalin ang mga nilagay o ginawa nila sa mga buhok nila...gawin mong simple ang porma nila...alam ko na may ilalaban ako kung panlabas na kagandahan lamang ang pag-uusapan. Noon pa ako naniniwala na wala yan sa panlabas na anyo--wala yan sa gandang panlabas...nasa kalooban yan. At iyan ang pilit kong pinapaganda sa sarili ko. Naisip ko lang naman ang mga ito.
I started to go into the world of Raoult, chemical reaction, vapor pressure, boiling points. I am enjoying interacting with all these knowledge. I am a geek/nerd/dork what can I say? I have started to deal with my old self and it's not that bad. I like my old self.
I don't know my exact weight but Kim, Maam Lorna, and Maam Jane noticed the loss in weight.
Yesterday, I had the urge to buy a discman and CDs. I want to buy the albums of:
1) Billy Joel
2) Spandaeu Ballet
3) Cueshe (I like their song "Ulan".)
4) Orange and Lemons (Pinoy Ako eh...)
5) Sugababes (Push the Button has been constantly playing on my mind...malandi ang lola n'yo!)
6) Lifehouse (because of Sick Cycle Carousel)
But then my frugality won.
A lot of miracles also happened--both usual and unusual ones. Last Monday, I went on a mission. I visited Pleasant Hills. Too bad, I wasn't able to see Julia. I bought her donuts pa naman. Nasa school kase siya that time. But I talked with Ta Toots, Kuya Ade, Ta Girl, and Kin. It was a deeply meaningful visit for me.
I also got to spend one afternoon with Yas, our batchmate, and his friend. I already told you about it. It was a blessing for me because I learned a lot. We talked about the story behind the song American Pie, Cinderella Man, Beautiful Mind, our favorite movie lines, our past relationships (whoah...past...I do have a past relationship...does it mean I'm becoming normal?...hehe...), long-distance relationships, our Dads, engagement ring, jade ring, and the God of Gamblers.
That night ended with our batchmate and his friend walking Yas and I home.
Vito Cruz is now a happy place for me. Thanks to my friends who live within the vicinity.
Last night, Kim and I ate at Jollibee V. Cruz. It's nice that at 11pm, Jbee V. Cruz is still buzzing with people.
And later this afternoon, I went to Euro-Med for the long overdue blowout. I spent a lot of cash but what the heck, I am able to prove to myself that I can keep a promise. Talking with the guards of Euro-Med and with my friends Jeng and Alfred, I found out that a lot of things happened already. Euro-Med is my former company. And I promised the people there that I would treat them but I wasn't expecting that to happen after a year.
It makes me sad to know that faction is happening there now. Things have indeed changed. I left them this afternoon feeling sad, yet great. I walked the same path that I used to take everytime I went home from work. And this time, walking there is like saying goodbye to what used to be. Euro-Med will always be a part of the good memories of my life. It's different now but I'm different now, too. Walking away there means walking towards my new home away from home. Walking towards the familiar area of Manila. Someday I would leave Manila, too. But for now, I'm facing the present.
I want to look back, but you don't give me a reason to. How I wish you would, but you won't. Ulan by Cueshe is a great song, but I know in your place, it never rains.
We talked about a lot of topics. And it made me reflect. Maybe one of these days I would write about my reflections. But for now, I just want to say that it's amazing how you can know almost everything about some people in a span of 7 hours.
Life is amazing.
I have been blessed to be able to experience what love really is.
Past the getting to know each other stage, compromising values, understanding one another, building dreams together, breaking promises, I am now in the letting go stage.
As I've said in my previous entry, to completely love a person is to learn the art of letting go.
Letting go. Now the old saying about it proves to be true. If you love someone, set him free. Let him be happy. If you really love him, you will be happy that he is happy even if it means spending his life with someone else. Love is never selfish.
It will hurt deeply. The wound seems so hard to be healed. But if your love is true, then that love can help you forgive. It will heal you, let you move on, love yourself, be complete (with God's help of course), and it can even give birth to another love meant for another person that is your destiny or it can help you find your real destiny.
And then you'll realize that that love found its way at a corner of your heart, safely placed and hidden. It will never leave just hide itself. Sometimes you will find it helping you, using itself for other purposes like giving good,ssweet memories, teaching new love to be like it, or even better, and other things that only great love can do.
Anger, bitterness, and pain wilts away, but true great love remains. Now isn't that wonderful?
And then come back...
To appreciate everything in my life...
I am just being dramatic...
This is me now.
What has changed? A lot.
I met up with Yas and we talked about life and the issues that we have to deal with. It's nice to talk with her.
Last night, I got to talk with my "bro" or should I say "ex-bro".
I am amazed at myself. Is this healing? Sometimes I feel empty. But I'm just glad because God seems to be making me complete--he's making me whole.
Do you miss me? Go ahead, miss me because that's the only thing you can do now.