2

No Turning Back

Once you've loved a person, you cannot unlove him. And that is what I am trying to accept right now. That once again, I have really fallen in love. But it does not mean that I have to go back to my old ways. I don't have to lose myself again. I can love him (because I can't really do anyhting about that) and I can love myself, too.

I can say that I do not need any man to be happy but God gave me the opportunity of loving someone again. I'm taking this as a blessing. And everyday, I'm reminding myself that this is not certain, that this can be taken away from me anytime. I don't own him and he doesn't own me. He has his own life to live and I have my own. But right now, our paths have crossed. This is the present. I don't have to worry about our future but I am not stupid enough to do stupid things that can ruin my dreams--that could ruin those I love. I'm trying to be a better me.

Everyday, I am loving myself more and more. I am not yet complete but I know God is the only one who can do that for me.


***

The heat of the sun touching my skin reminds me of summer. A few more weeks to go and it's SUMMER!!! I am looking forward to that!

***

It's amazing how at one point in our lives we've come to meet, same experiences, same thoughts but there will come a time when we have to part ways--to make our own decisions with our lives. We'll both grow. We'll cry. We'll laugh. Our destiny may be different, but I know in the end we'll always be happy.

Practical Test

I'm sometimes taking everything seriously. And in taking everything seriously, I am forgetting how to have fun.

For the past few days, I was in the Holden Caulfield mode. I see people I love as people to save and protect, just like Holden trying to save his sister and to catch the children playing. In searching for answers to the many whys on my mind, I almost end up getting more hurt and more in trouble. Good thing, he saved me. It's funny because the guy that I am trying to save end up saving me instead.

Oh well, I don't want to think of the possible reasons why we have to meet now and why are we in this situation. I'm taking this as a practical test by God. He wants me to know if I can really show that I love myself in spite of someone else showing his love for me. As long as I know who I am and as long as I get a hold of myself and that God is the center of my life, then everything will be alright.

I am thanking God for this.
3

Flawed

The truth is I am not ready to love again. You see, I have just got my past out of my system and I was just about to walk my own pace and enjoy my moments...but unexpectedly, a lost soul was thrown in front of me. There, I couldn't help but fall at how beautiful his soul is.

I wish loving him is easy...hoping that no one will get hurt. But his past is enough to break the hearts of those I loved my whole life.

Who says that after a heartbreak someone better will come along? I guess they are wrong. Is he wrong for me? Maybe. Is he better than my past? I don't know. But what about the love he truthfully gives me? What about the meaning of second chances? What about hope and the love of God? Will I be the one to show the people around me that love is powerful and it really moves in mysterious ways? Will love change him for the better? I wish I could say that. I wish our love is that strong. Knowing myself, I know that my loved ones can only do so much to stop me from loving and helping him...not unless he is the one who will stop me. Not unless he show me that he isn't worth fighting for. If our love is real then it could surpass any trial...it can make us better. If not, I'll be happy being alone and letting him be found by someone who can really make him a better person.

I am not an angel and I don't really want to be a saint. I just want to serve God. And if this is one way of serving Him then I want His will, not mine.

Am I happy? Yeah. Although that our future together seems impossible, I am just happy meeting him and loving him now.

His soul is beautiful. He is a beautiful person. I believe in him even if no one understands...
4

Too Fast

I can't believe it...but I am in love with someone new. I don't know...but I am hoping this is for real. Everything they told me while my heart was still broken is true. I am in love.
2

Hello

I'm still alive. I've been really busy with work and family stuff. Ewan ko ba, sabi ko na nga ba, after ng January 20, mag-iiba ang outlook ko sa buhay. I've realized a lot about myself, kung sino na ako ngayon. Langya, iba na ako.

I am not afraid to be alone and single forever. I have a tita na matandang dalaga and looking at her life, being single is not that bad. I'm loving myself pero I don't trust people na mamahalin nila ako for who I am. Pero okay lang kase ang iniisip ko is kung anong maibibigay ko sa kanila at hindi yung kung anong mabibigay nila sa akin.

Loving someone is different from trusting someone.

Last Jan. 20, fiesta sa amin. And though hindi ko pinaalam sa isang tao na nasa Lipa ako, okay lang. Kase I got to spend time with my family. And believe it or not, ang highlight ng fiesta namin eh ang pagdating ng kapatid kong si Athan. Grabe, umaga pa lang andun na ang mga kaibigan niya, hinahanap siya. Ayaw namang kumain, hinintay pa talaga ang kapatid ko from Manila, nag-duty pa kase siya eh. At ng malaman nila na malapit na sa may bahay namin ang kapatid ko, sinundo na agad nila yung utol ko.

Pwede talaga siyang kumandidato.

Basta yun, bukas may gagawin ako. After nun, bahala na. Pero eto pics ko na lang...I am so vain!


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6

About to...

The wedding went well. After work (from a night shift), I have to sleep for a while. Then I went home. I arrived in our place later than expected but I saw my cousins and nagvideoke kami after me eating dinner. I would have wanted to sleep early because I'm still tired from my night duty and I wanted to reflect on what happened that morning. That morning my past called me and tried to hurt me again. He's still really a great accuser! And so I just wanted to reflect on what happened and how significant it's gonna be on my nearing decision. But instead of doing that, my cousins urged me to sleep with them at Ate Tinay's house para bonding kami. That night, the topic was the least that I wanted to talk about. It was about relationships and future plans and I was the only one who doesn't have someone. I'd rather not talk about the past because it isn't gonna help me. So instead of enjoying our bonding, I got depressed. We were able to sleep at 2am. My cousins were already snoring and I was still trying to get my sleep. "Do I always have to be left behind?" That has been my thought while trying to catch some sleep. After about two hours, my Aunt woke us up already. We were forced to get up to prepare for the wedding.

After that dreadful day (with the morning incident and the bonding) my next day didn't go that bad. It actually went well. Why?

  • My cousins were trying to cheer me up by giving me compliments. I really appreciated everything they've told me.
  • I liked the way I look. Although I do not like the flaws of my skin.
  • My cousin Jeng was really stunning on her wedding. Swerte talaga ni Charlie.
  • I got touched by what my brother and my cousins commented about the incident with my past. If ever it will happen, I'll give them my full support.
  • I got to read during my cousin's wedding--from the First Reading up to the Second Reading. I remembered doing just that when I was still young and living at the base (attending masses every saturday at that same chapel where my cousin was married). I used to be a member of YSC--Young Servant of Christ. As a member we had to read during the mass. If you were already well-trained you got to be a commentator. With that, I have just proven to myself that being a lector is one of the ways that I want to do to serve God. To read for God. Plus, I would be able to attend the mass regularly and get to listen to the Homily. I really should apply to be a lector at our workplace chapel.
  • Wedding guests were giving me compliments, compliments that I used to receive before losing my confidence. I'm not being boastful because the truth is there are still lots of areas in my body that needs to be repaired. Wala lang...i just appreciate the compliments. It's not everyday that I receive those kind of complimets from others.
  • I got to do what I used to love and I am really knowing who I am. That I love reading passages during a mass. That I still and will always love singing and dancing.

Work

I received my grade and I am satisfied. I deserve it. =) Now I really have to focus on what's needed to be focused on.

Have a great week everyone!

5

Inching Closer

Tomorrowmy cousin Jeng is gonna be married at my dream chapel--the FernandoAir Base Chapel where my parents got married. And tomorrow I am gonna be a bridesmaid.

I know tomorrow I will not be bitter seeing love come true for others and I know tomorrow I won't be dreaming of my own wedding. Tomorrow will just go smoothly and my focus will be on my cousin and how finally everything will be settled down. And I'm also hoping that no antagonist would come to ruin her wedding. We have to make sure of that. Oh I am just happy for my cousin. Congrats Jeng!

For the past few days I have always complaiuned of being lonely. Well I have been but you know what--I am happy being lonely. And I am happy being happy. So in conclusion, I am just happy with my life.

I am happy not pretending whether I feel happy or lonely. I am happy just right now. I am happy because I was able to get my GSIS e-card. I was able to suppress another series of binge-ing. I was able to talk with Apollo without losing my composure. I was able to tell someone to go f*c* himself. And tomorrow I will get to be a bridesmaid again. I thought that my last woould be Ate Gina's last May but life is unpredictable...look at me now, bridesmaid material and more confident with myself. Better things will now come my way.

Slow

Alone walking
I slipped and fell
Not noticing the hump
on theway

I couldn't get up

Naiiyak na ako...
Kung kasama sana kita
May magsasabi...

My humps
My humps
My humps
Check it out!

Minsan talaga slow ako, actually madalas pero iyang text na yan, kanina ko lang na-gets yang joke na yan. Hehe...

Success

I was included in the list of Clinical passer in our department. And I would have to attend the interview on the 18th. I am still reluctant and I am not really hoping but I am just glad because I passed the exam. It's just a simple exam but my hopes are getting up because of the result.



Wala lang...

This is how lonely I am. But I thank God for this feeling...it's bittersweet. I know tomorrow will be different. You won't be there but I'll be happier than I have felt when I'm still with you.




"Blind"

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this time
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
And I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me dies when I let you go
Worlds Collide: A Fairytale
Plumb
We never talked about it
'Cause you never even cared
And what you really wanted
I never even had

'Cause what may seem right
And what may be wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong

Giving everything
Giving everything for love
I'm finding out that it's not enough
There's nothing left between you and I
I'm finding faith but losing us
When worlds collide

Together we seemed perfect
A fairy tale for show
I'm looking on the outside
You'd never even know
That we're just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything
We're just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

0

Changing

I know deep in my heart that I am changing. That is why I am this lonely. Lonely as in forcing people to see me, using all kinds of excuses para lang makita ang mga taong gusto ko sanang mahalin ako...pero hindi pwede at ayaw nila. Nagiging kabaliwan na at kakornihan. I guess, those who have seen me do schemes feel sorry for me. Pathetic and lonely. But for me, I'm just allowing this loneliness to happen. After all, I'm believing that when that specific day has passed, I will fully let go of all that I can't have.

Hirap isipin at hirap ipaliwanag sa sarili ko, pero alam ko na after nun, magiging mas okay na ako. I'm not sure if I'll still be as lonely as today, but maybe I'll be more relieved, more grateful. Better things are on their way towards me. Feeling ko mas magiging masaya na ako.

Letting go of those I can't have...ibang klase pero gusto ko.
2

Sasama

I'm so into SO BEAUTIFUL by Savage Garden (Darren Hayes)...How I wish I could sing this to someone special. Kung sino siya, hindi ko pa kilala.

Whether I'm right or wrong
There's no phrase that hits
Like an ocean needs the sand
Or a dirty old shoe that fits
And if all the world was perfect
I would only ever want to see your scars
You know they can have their universe
We'll be in the dirt designing stars
And darlin' you know
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful
Whether I'm up or down
There's no crowd to please
I'm like a faith without a clause to believe in it
And if all the world was smiling
I would only ever want to see your frown
You know they can sail away in sunsets
We'll be right here stranded on the ground
Just happy to be found
You make me feel so beautiful
Nowhere else in the world I wanna be
You make me feel so beautiful
I have lost my illusions
I have drowned in your words
I have left my confusion to a cynical world
I am throwing myself at things
I don't understand
Discover enlightenment holding your hand
You are..
So Beautiful
Nasayang ang araw na ito sa paglakad sa mall sa paghahanap ng sapatos. Oo bumili ako ng sapatos. Pero kahit nakabili ako, meron sa kalooban ko na hindi pa rin makuntento. Kahit tumingin at manood ako ng buhay ng ibang tao, meron pa ring kulang. Alam ko naman eh kung ano ito. Walang sinumang pwedeng makapuno ng kakulangang ito kung hindi isa lang. At kung asan siya ngayon, alam kong kasama ko siya. Mamaya, ako naman ang sasama sa kanya.
Walang materyal na bagay...walang idelohiya ng ibang tao...sa kanya lang ang mahalaga. Isang araw matatapos ang lahat ng ito...magiging maayos ang lahat. Sasama ako sa kanya.
At kung yayain kita sa pagsama sa kanya, sasama ka ba sa akin?
3

Being Alone

Ate Sheila and I had the holes sealed. We bought the sealant from a hardware store..a little housekeeping. And this made me think about me being alone.

All of my roomates are in a relationship. I'm the only one who's not. And that means that if anything bad happens to me--no one will be there to help me. Which is why I am learning to depend on others--friends, family, co-workers, people.

A few days ago, I've talked with Kim. We were on the topic about being an other woman. Neither of us are one but we know people who are. She asked why do girls do that? I answered, "Takot kase silang mag-isa." People are afraid to be alone. It's really scary and hard. People are not meant to be alone. Which is why I am asking my fate on why I am alone. And why in my alone-ness, does God give me something to be paranoid about?

But as always, everything happens for a reason. I am paranoid to learn to do housekeeping. To always try to clean my place. To be organized. To share and serve others. And especially, to depend more on God.

I am alone to seek others and to learn how to depend on others and how to get out of my shell. It's ironic because the more you get out of your shell, the more you'll find strength in you and where will you get your inner strength? To someone superior to you. In my case, I get strength from God. To trust a little and sharing a little. To be hurt and to learn from that feeling. It is in being alone that I reach out to people. It is in being alone that I am humbled. It is in being alone that I learn how to take care of myself, how to love myself, and how to respect myself. It is in being alone that I am now trying to complete myself...although I know that I can never be whole unless God is in my life and is at the center. I know only He can fill the emptiness inside me. And so I'm thinking, it's about time I do something for Him. I hope this time I'll be successful.

I am alone but not really.
5

This is why you shouldn't leave me alone...:)

Alone and the only one awake at 1am...
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Wala lang...
Comedy Night
I had another night duty and I was with Jessa and Maam Lisa. We had fun laughing thinking about Ma'am Cata's blooper with the number at PNB. And on my way to my boarding house I sat beside this guy...I thought she was. I was even nagpapacute and nung pumara na siya. Nagulat ako. Babae pala siya. Nyeh!
It's fun laughing. It makes you look young. And I want to look like my age. And so from now on I will find ways to laugh--even at myself.
Thank you
To everyone who greeted me on my birthday--a BIG THANK YOU!!!
Have a nice weekend everyone!
7

Turning 24

Today is my 24th birthday and I have never been grateful in my entire life. Let me tell you why...

Yesterday Kim and Faith rushed to my boarding house because they were worried over me. And I want to thank them for their concern. I am really grateful to have them as my friends. And I want to apologize for that message that made them worry. See, I sent them a message about me dying and my last requests, sort of like last will and testament. Thoughts of dying and death embraced me eversince 3rd of january. Why?

  • I found something weird on my body. Gotta have it checked.
  • At 2am 4th of january,I woke up to find my roomates looking for something under their beds. I asked what they were looking for.One of my roomates answered me,"May centipede ganito kalaki(she motioned as big as the giant centipede toys) galing sa kama mo pumunta sa kama ni Ate Sheila..." And then I panicked andI helped looking for it. We found nothing. But we did find some holes near the wall. And so we decided to put packaging tapes on the holes. We also got to clean the room. And then we slept.

Fangs

All centipedes are predators. The first body segment contains a
pair of clawlike appendages called maxillipeds, consisting of a modified pair of
legs which are connected to venom glands inside the body. The sharp tips of the
claws are used to penetrate the exoskeleton of a prey insect, and muscles in the
centipede’s body squeeze the venom glands to force poison through the hollow
fangs into the victim’s body. These claws can be used to kill prey ranging in
size from insects and other arthropods to small vertebrates such as rodents or
lizards. Although the venom is not particularly powerful in most species,
punctures from a poison claw can be painful to humans, and some of the larger
tropical centipedes can produce systemic effects and are potentially dangerous.
There is one report in the literature of the death of a seven year old girl from
the bite of a large tropical centipede in the Phillipine Islands
(probably the
species S. subspinipes).

But then here's what one should do if ever they've been poisoned by it:

Place ice (wrapped in a washcloth or other suitable covering) on the site of the
bite for 10 minutes and then off for 10 minutes. Repeat this process. If patient
has circulatory problems, decrease the time to prevent possible damage to the
skin. A trip to the emergency room will probably not be necessary, but contact
Poison Control just to make sure.

What could have happened? I nearly died then if that centipede preyed on me. See, the centipede came from the bag where I put my notes and books. The other night it dropped and I picked it up. The centipede must have gone inside by then. That night I didn't even paid attention to that bag because the book I needed was already out. If that book wasn't out yet thenI could have put my hand inside that bag and then--I'd die. That bag also was just beside my bed and I was leaning near it. Was I spared? I felt like a star in a Final Destination movie. HaveI cheated death? What are the chances that that centipede would come back and sting me? I know I'm being paranoid but the thought of death in a secure area drive me nuts. WillI die today? Will I die unloved? I felt so alone and so useless that day. These feelings prompted me to send Kim that message.

I am not afraid of death but I'm afraid of how I will die because no matter how, it will still hurt. And if it's my time already, then so be it.

But you know what, I realized something...We cannot control a lot of things in our lives--especially the when, where, and how. And if God will still allow me another day to live, I will never waste it ever again. I would make sure that I'll be spending it in love. There is no greater gift than life itself. After all, God gave us this gift. I am grateful. Thank God.

My Wish for Today:

A text message from Apollo. Ang babaw!

My Wish for this year (and for the years to come)

To live a useful life. I don't want to waste this life. And I'm really praying and hoping to go to Australia and become a pharmacist there so I can extend my help to many people.

And so my birthday today has already been very meaningful. I thank God for this life. Life is really beautiful.

Pics on New Year's:

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Ang mga makukulit kong pinsan with my mas makulit na kapatid

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My pretty sister

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Me trying to look pretty...5 days before my birthday

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Me and my cousin Dan

5

What Used to Be

I was surprised to find these on my friendster. These are sent to me by Kin and Dada, Mark's younger bro and cousin. Walang magawa ang mga iyon but these pics really made me smile. Remembering how it used to be like when trust and love are still there.


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La Union...the day I finally trusted my heart that Mark was the one I want to share my life with for the rest of my life.
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Taken the day before Mark left (for the first time) for Dubai...sweet couple?! haha...nah!!!
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Visiting his dad...weird ang hair ko talaga
3

Looking at the Sky

I thought I'd be welcoming the new year inside the cr. While others were welcoming it with a bang...I'd be welcoming it with a s**t! And I mean it literally. Isn't that funny? I had an upset stomach but I became fine just in time. And I am taking it as a symbol--leaving my burdens behind and facing 2006 lightly. And lightly I faced it.

I used to have these written wishes and as the old and new year separates, I would burn the paper, letting the smoke went up to heavens hoping that God would receive it and He would grant my wishes.

This time I didn't do it. Instead, I welcomed 2006 with a prayer--a silent one. God knows what's on my mind, heart, and soul. I trust Him enough to whatever He's gonna do about them. I prayed saying my intent of serving Him to the best of my abilities and by whatever means. And then I looked at the sky and watched the fireworks.

I was touched by the picture of my relatives as they were welcoming 2006. Ate Carmi and her family were sitting on our front yard while I was standing in front of them. My Mom was at the terrace sitting with my sister standing on the table. My brother and his friends (with Gado), were on the other side of the terrace singing, dancing, making noise while drinking beer.

Ate Carmi and I went to Ate Goyee's to sing with their videoke. But truthfully, I got pissed off because of their lack of enthusiasm.

Come on, it's a new year. That means hope. And it's also a reason to have fun. I understand if they're going through some shit, but wasn't the BIGGEST shit (so far--in my life) was shove to me? We were all dealing with our problems but when you have a reason to have fun, have fun. My spirit went low and I decided to go home.

Good thing HBO gave me a treat--Harry Potter 3. Harry ended my night nicely.

Other events and thoughts:

  • Mom decided to cook pansit for the media noche at Nanay's.
  • Monet and I bought gifts for the monito-monita at Rob Lipa.
  • I edited Monet's profile. it looks better now.
  • We ate at Jbee Lipa.
  • We had a party. The children danced but Mom wanted the teenagers to dance but most weren't game so Mom got pissed off so I decided to start the exchanging of gifts. i received a big bag given by Ryan. I gave Aljin cologne. Aljin wanted to have a cologne and I wanted a bag so it's a good coincidence.
  • Ryan and PJ organized the "bunutan". Future leaders!
  • We ended the party by dancing Pinoy Ako. We did it for Nanay. All of us, including Jeng and Ate Carmi and the rest of the people there.

My birthday is a few days away. I am not expecting any miracle I just want to get it over with so I could be officially 24. God knows what I want and what I've been working on right now. I just hope that people will greet me sincerely. Sincerity is what I want for my birthday.

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