Kagabi pinalungkot ko ang Mommy ng sinabi ko sa kanya na mag-reresign na ako sa trabaho. Anong gagawin ko?
Paggising ko kanina, wala na akong kasama sa bahay. Pumasok na sa school ang mga kapatid ko at ang Mommy ay pumuntang tindahan na.
Masama ba ako?
O mas masama ang mundo?

Grade One

I still remember my feelings that time I went to school. It was like I was being put into prison--the end of my freedom and thus happiness...My Mom forced me to study the alphabet, to write my name, to read. I was forced naman because that was what everybody was doing that time. All my playmates/cousins were already in school. I didn't want to be left behind so I had no choice but to join the herd.
But I hated school because I didn't know how to make friends. Plus, I didn't understand the lessons. My Kindergarten teacher was even telling my Mom that if it wasn't for my good behaviour then she would flunk me. Off I went to Grade One, with the same teacher...I still didn't know how to read or write. Everything didn't make sense. I resigned to the thought that I was bobo who always got Needs Improvement in my writing class. Until one day...
Our helper Ate Vicky and my cousin Ate Daisy were trying to discuss with me school. I was telling them about my assignment, the poem that Maam Espiritu was asking us to memorize. I was really already nervous then because I didn't know how to read I was pretty sure I would flunk that assignment. Ate Vicky started reading what I wrote--the copy of that poem. She was struggling to read it. Struggling because she couldn't read my very unreadable penmanship. I was kinda losing patience because she couldnt read my handwriting and so I took my notes away from her. That time I kinda memorized the poem because of the constant recitation Maam Espiritu was doing to make us easily memorize the poem. I was actually relying on Maam's recitation for me to memorize the poem without reading. Then it suddenly hit me...suddenly the words I have written made sense. I suddenly could associate these alphabets to a word. Suddenly I know how to read words and not just the a-ba-ka-da or ta-ma, ba-ta. From then on everything started to make sense. I didn't realize that I was getting smarter. I was acing school already. One time I just discovered that I was on the list of achievers in class. Inspired by that, I studied and studied on the way to the top.
Then why?
Why can't I be that kid anymore? The kid who is acing whatever she's doing. I feel like I was the same helpless kid whou would start going to school. Actually, maybe it is in me. Ever since I started going to school. I would cry secretly whenever thoughts of the future lessons and how I won't understand them that Maam Espiritu would give me a whip occured to me. I was that afraid of the world.
This is not me. I am not myself lately.
Pressure. Everyone is pressuring me to do something for them. I know the answer naman eh...that I should do something for me first. That it's my decision. Pero it's still hard.
If I can do it my way, I would just teach here in the Philippines. I wouldn't leave the country. It doesn't matter if the country is slowly drowning into hopeless poverty. This is where I am happy minus those people I hate...hehe...but I am happy here.
My second choice would be going to Dubai with Mark. I know going there would put me in a great temptation to get married early. But then it depends on every person. I feel that I would excel there whether I'll be a pharmacist there or not, I will excel because I will be happy there.
Can I make them understand?
Last night I was watching Hiram and the line uttered by the lady who adopted Margaret for a while struck me. It was like "sa bawat desisyon mayroong masasaktan...hindi mo pagsisisihan kung nagbigay ka sa kapwa mo, malinis yun, taos sa puso, pero ang mga bagay na makakapagpasisi sa iyo ay ang mga bagay na hindi mo ginawa para sa sarili mo..."
In whatever decision I will make, I am bound to hurt others, intentionally or not. But I do not want to regret anything. It's just that I know I won't be happy in countries where majority of people are Caucasians. No offense meant, it's just that people there would always consider my race to be second class citizen. I would like to go to US but if it isn't US, I'd rather work in Asia, anywhere in Asia. Call me patriotic that's okay because that's a bit true.
What about the opportunities? I don't know. But will it make me happy?
Wherever I'll go, whether I get out of the country or not, I would still go back here in my country. Even if I get hurt or not. For now this is what will make me happy. For now this is the right thing to do.
Will they understand?


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