Perfect Song

I planned on erasing the song on my SOUL SPEAKS but I wasn't able to. And so I deleted the whole Soul speaks section. I will bring it back when I already find the perfect song for me--a song or poem or whatever that speaks of my life as a whole.

The 3am habit is back. The urge to shout, to run, and to cause trouble to myself is so strong, it hurts.

I've been thinking about the development in my life. November is about to end and it has been months after our breakup.

I am through sobbing helplessly whenever and wherever the urge to sob hit me. I am through telling everyone in my workplace about the state of my lovelife. And I have been lucky because people are kind enough to listen to me. Most of them gave good advices.

I am through waiting for the special songs that I've put spells into. It's been days since I last heard any of them and even if I hear any of them, I don't think it can do anything to bring back what we've had.

I have reread the prayers I've petitioned to the saints. I realized that their answer is no.

There came a point when he came back to me. He came back not because he loves me but because he was afraid to be alone. Whenever he would encounter a problem or whenever he and his girl would fight, he would run to me. I became a spare tire.

He did that to me twice. But he still hasn't learned his lessons because he would always go back to his old ways. And then, I grew tired of hoping that he really loved me and that he would come to fight for our love.

Avoiding to curse and loathe him, I use this anger to pull me up away from the waste basket he has thrown me into. I use this and I find myself wanting to unlove him. Waiting for him is over. No woman is deserving of the pain that I have gone through. No man is worth crying for. Because if he is, then he wouldn't let you cry at all. I realize that he never really loved me because he let me go through this pain. He didn't fight for our love because he didn't really love me in the first place.

Where is he now? He's happily f***ing his new girl (well, it's true!) Maybe they're now inlove with each other. Maybe they'll be married sooner. It hurts. Anger embraces me. I cry still, most of the time. But this time, every pain, every tear, every anger, every bitterness will drive me to be better. These negative feelings will help me become a better person.

As of now, I am in this stage. I don't know what will happen to me but then God is still very much aware of my existence. He loves me so much that He wants to give the best for me. He is molding me to be the best that I can be.

I trust in God. And I truly love God.

I thank God for all of these. I thank Him for every cells in my body working just to keep me alive. I thank Him for the sun, the moon, the air. I thank Him for this life He let me have.

Someday, when I have completely moved on, I know I would forgive him--my past, too. But right now, I just hope that God forgives me for being angry. I also hope that the process of moving on will be quick.