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So people think I am happy now because I have a special someone, but to tell you frankly, they are wrong. I am not happy.

I am not happy because of the imperfections that we have. Nobody is perfect but the imperfections that we have are contradictions to my ambitions and dreams. He is not what I am dreaming of when it comes to that one character I am looking for in a man.

I want to share with you my thoughts sometime last December:

This night is a torture because I cannot sleep. No one is thinking of
me. It is just that I am not used to this kind of sleeping pattern.
Tomorrow I might blog about this. I am also wondering what Mark will think
if he learned that I have a crush now. Well it is not as if my crush likes
me, too. It will never happen. But sometimes I just wish that
somehow someone will love me. The love that is true. A concerned
love. A thoughtful love. When will it happen? Will it ever
happen? i feel so sad. I want to read the book but it is
missing. Where is it? I hope it will come out? Where is
it? God where are you? I need music. I cannot sleep. I
need to wake up early tomorrow. I need to hear some music. ... When
will I meet the love f my life?

Now that I met someone who is loving me, I hate myself for not giving my share of love. As far as I know, I've only given and is still giving 1/8 of what I should really give. I've been bad and mean. I want to screw up this relationship so he would leave me just like my past. I admit I don't think I am ready.

I may have a boyfriend but I still feel alone. Head spinning. Values changing. There is this impenetrable wall in me now. Call me selfish but I will never and can never give my heart again to somene who does not really know me. To someone who does not know my life. I know that I am not yet complete and he can never really complete me. Only God can do that for me.

Readiness is not the issue here. For some reason I was put in this situation. This is not really my will. I have been praying about this. And so far, according to my analysis, God is not giving me reason, big one, to leave him. And sadly I know, leaving him means regret. He has his imperfections but what he's giving me is love in his twisted ways.

I hate myself for being coward. I am not afraid to be alone and be single because I am missing that. I hate myself for being afraid of regret.

This relationship may just be another mistake. I may not be helping him. He may not really be the guy for me. He may let me feel ugly and he may bring out the worst in me. But it's not everday that you get to meet someone who will love you and who will put up with your foolish ways. That love, if chosen to be set aside now, will survive but then it can evolve. He needs me now. We have met now. He is now in my life.

And all of the issues I've written here, in the end, these will all be up to me. It's up to me how I will handle this love, how I will handle my life, how I will choose to serve the people around me. Lessons are waiting to be learned. I may be having a hard time right now. But I know behind all of these is a God guiding and loving me. And maybe, that is all I need to make things work out. God, I am yours.