Once

I spent my off duties watching DVDs. My brother bought a dvd of comedy movies. They are all funny and I should be laughing hard but I just didn't understand why tears rolled down my face during those hours spent watching them.

Click, a movie starring Adam Sandler, really made me cry. It made me remember Dad and how I was very busy thinking about my career that I didn't even bother going home. I guess I could relate to Adam's character, in a way.

Super ex-girlfriend was okay but I just could not relate to G-girl. I've been through a break-up and though I sometimes felt hatred during that time towards the girl who took my ex away, I never really bothered to try to make her life miserable. I just let him go, let them love one another, and let myself move on.

Superman Returns brought me back into my adolescent years. The intro music made me remember Superman 1, 2, and 3. When I was 12, I had this issue with myself and those 3 movies were my constant companion on weekends--letting me dream, allowing me to enter my own world--a world that was safe from bullies and mean people. Hearing that intro music made me cry.

I've been crying and crying while watching those movies and it nearly convinved me that maybe I was nuts. Then after watching those, coincidentally, Girl, Interrupted was shown at Star Movies. I was glued to the tube even more. I was curious. It was a depressing movie--it tackled depression. It made me think of my own life. Again I cried. Nonstop. I was really finding myself weird but I couldn't help it.

All those cryings made me sleepy that evening. My Mom found me fast asleep in our couch while the tv was on. It was raining hard outside and I forgot to put our laundry in a dry, safe place. Of course, I heard what I deserved.

Sometimes, I think that Mom is most worried about me. I may be the eldest but I am the weakest. My siblings are all strong--they know how to make friends, how to deal with people. While I have my own world, my own principles which make me collide against others. Maybe she was thinking what would happen to me if she were gone, because the truth is, I really have no one except her. I may write about these things but I can't really trust anyone enough with my life. My Mom is the only person whom I can trust.

Last night, I couldn't really sleep. I've been thinking so much. It was one of those nights when I felt really cold, helpless, and hopeless. I was so afraid of the world. And it was one of those nights when I surrender myself to God. And suddenly, still unable to sleep, I was able to solve some of my worries/problems. In the end, I had a nice sleep too nice that I was late at work this morning. But that's okay.