Time

I gave myself time and I got most of the answers to my questions. I am now slowly understanding who I am and what I can give to the people I love. And I am mustering courage to face what I have to face. I love them all but I also love myself.

I can really feel the heat. Summer is here. Yes! I'm hoping, given the chance, to do these things:

• learn how to drive
• go to the gym and attend some dance-exercise
• try to be girly
• read 5 books
• find a sideline/new career
• fix my hair
• go to the beach

They are all possible. Hopefully I get to do all of them.

Hmmm...

I've been really busy. I'm still dealing with the issues. I don't really know what to do about them so I'm leaving them all to God. I believe and trust in God. But the good/best thing is I am learning to be happy, enjoying my moments of bliss despite everything that is happening to me. For the last 3 weeks, I...

• went to the doctor to have the lumps in my breast checked. Result showed that I have cystic nodules. God is good because after having a second opinion from my workplace, there's no need for biopsy/surgery because the lumps are just normal my age because of hormonal changes.
• nearly broke up with him and realized that I love him. He let me feel the fear that I've had with my past relationship so I'm taking precaution. Hopefully, my fears will subside soon.
• lost my wallet inside the bus. Nadukutan ako because I was preoccupied with the bubble gum (the very sticky one) that the bad guys put on my uniform. People beware of this modus operandi. Wag nyo na pansinin ang bubble gum sa damit nyo kapag nasa bus kayo at nag-iisa. God is good because I was still able to go home kahit kala ko wala na akong pamasahe pauwing Lipa. The incident made me realize that my family really matters. I love them so much.
• spent Feb 22 at home with my family because it was the 2nd death anniversary of my father. I miss my Dad. Whenever I am losing hope and hurting so much I just go to my comfortable thought of spending time again with my father at a corner in heaven, watching people go on with their lives, laughing and sharing stories. That's gonna be one of our bonding moments.

To everyone who has commented on my comment box...thank you all. Your views help me a lot. Rest assured I'll consider them all.

Let's all pray for all that is happening in our country.

I'll be back. See you in summer. Right after my exam. Please, please pray for me. I really need all your prayers.

Save or Delete

So people think I am happy now because I have a special someone, but to tell you frankly, they are wrong. I am not happy.

I am not happy because of the imperfections that we have. Nobody is perfect but the imperfections that we have are contradictions to my ambitions and dreams. He is not what I am dreaming of when it comes to that one character I am looking for in a man.

I want to share with you my thoughts sometime last December:

This night is a torture because I cannot sleep. No one is thinking of
me. It is just that I am not used to this kind of sleeping pattern.
Tomorrow I might blog about this. I am also wondering what Mark will think
if he learned that I have a crush now. Well it is not as if my crush likes
me, too. It will never happen. But sometimes I just wish that
somehow someone will love me. The love that is true. A concerned
love. A thoughtful love. When will it happen? Will it ever
happen? i feel so sad. I want to read the book but it is
missing. Where is it? I hope it will come out? Where is
it? God where are you? I need music. I cannot sleep. I
need to wake up early tomorrow. I need to hear some music. ... When
will I meet the love f my life?

Now that I met someone who is loving me, I hate myself for not giving my share of love. As far as I know, I've only given and is still giving 1/8 of what I should really give. I've been bad and mean. I want to screw up this relationship so he would leave me just like my past. I admit I don't think I am ready.

I may have a boyfriend but I still feel alone. Head spinning. Values changing. There is this impenetrable wall in me now. Call me selfish but I will never and can never give my heart again to somene who does not really know me. To someone who does not know my life. I know that I am not yet complete and he can never really complete me. Only God can do that for me.

Readiness is not the issue here. For some reason I was put in this situation. This is not really my will. I have been praying about this. And so far, according to my analysis, God is not giving me reason, big one, to leave him. And sadly I know, leaving him means regret. He has his imperfections but what he's giving me is love in his twisted ways.

I hate myself for being coward. I am not afraid to be alone and be single because I am missing that. I hate myself for being afraid of regret.

This relationship may just be another mistake. I may not be helping him. He may not really be the guy for me. He may let me feel ugly and he may bring out the worst in me. But it's not everday that you get to meet someone who will love you and who will put up with your foolish ways. That love, if chosen to be set aside now, will survive but then it can evolve. He needs me now. We have met now. He is now in my life.

And all of the issues I've written here, in the end, these will all be up to me. It's up to me how I will handle this love, how I will handle my life, how I will choose to serve the people around me. Lessons are waiting to be learned. I may be having a hard time right now. But I know behind all of these is a God guiding and loving me. And maybe, that is all I need to make things work out. God, I am yours.

Never Ending Lessons

I attended my first seminar. Today. It was held at Manila Hotel. The topics were about Hospital Pharmacy: Issues and Concerns and Ecopharmacology: Concerning Pharmacy (?). I was glad because I saw my co-pharmacists from my former company. It was really nice seeing them.

I've been away from the blogging world and from the computer literally because of two reasons:

I am on a tight budget.
I lack the time.

But here I am...I'm just addicted to the cyberworld that I have to stop by now.

I'm also thinking about a lot of things. I couldn't even write about all of those. I choose to sleep instead of writing and analyzing them. But just to let you know, everyday I am learning how to love myself. How to think about myself. How to face the consequences of my actions. How to seek for God's guidance. These things are easier said than done but I am getting the hang of them.

I know a lot of people don't approve of my decisions now but I can feel in my heart that I can face the consequences of my actions although I know that it's gonna be hard. As long as there is love, as long as there is God at the center, then everything is for the best.

I often question God's reasons but I just have to trust in Him. And if ever I've done the wrong move I just hope that He will forgive me.

***

I miss Lipa. I haven't gone home for a month now. I miss my mother and my siblings. I miss watching tv and just being idle. But I have my principles and I have to learn things now. Things will be easier anytime now.

***

At 24, I can say that my trials are far harder than others older than me. These older ones choose to come to me. Does it mean that I am stronger? I don't think so. I am weak but I have a strong God.

***

I used to be judgemental over certain actions and decisions but not anymore. I now understand people who choose these actions and decisions better. Others may judge me now. I am not afraid. It doesn't matter anymore.

***

I don't ever want to hurt others. But I think it is not possible.

***

Yeah, it's better to have a friend than be alone. But we have to learn how to stand on our own so we can still live on our own. Friends won't always be there for you. But when God let you have a friend, go on cherish the friendship.

***

Everyone can change for the better. It just takes one person (that he/she will meet along the way) to believe that he/she can change. My role in life is to be that person people meet who encourages and pinpoints his/her potential. I am thankful for that.

***

I am an honest person.

***

Valentine's ko? Straight duty ako pero I gladly spent vday morning with my special someone. Eto kami!

I am a risk taker. And I am not regretting the choices I've made. These are all for the glory of God.

why i blog a lot

be it writing stuff or just blog hopping...i do them a lot because it helps me think about stuff i need to think and reflect on those i want to reflect.

courage. trust in myself. i can do this. i need to be honest.

i am looking forward to summer.

i still know how to love...
i'm not losing the touch...
i still know how to love...
because i am loving myself...

when changes happen

Most of the time we have a hard time dealing with the changes that the people around us are going through. We often go through the process of hating that person first, thus hurting that person in the process, but in the end, it's almost always that we would get to accept that person again thus loving him/her even more.

They are in the process of hating me. I need to pray about it because I'm having a hard time dealing with the reaction of the people around me. I know that they only want the best for me but it is sometimes hard to decide. How can I be happy when they are not happy? How can I rejoice with their loneliness? But in the end, I know that it will still be up to me. This is my happiness I'm dealing with.

I need some time alone. And what is the hardest is finding that time.

Maybe what I needed the most is talking with my mother. I just want to hear what she's going to say I don't care about the others.

I am sad and confused again. I hope I'll get out of this happy.
I am lost. Again, I don't know who I am now.

Happy

I can still call myself healthy. =)

A Lot

Problems come into our lives without being invited and therefore I shouldn't just think about them or having them because they will come no matter what.

I don't worry about anything anymore but my health. Tomorrow I will see a doctor. I really hope I am not sick but my body tells me otherwise.

Problems piling up...I am challenged, I am sometimes afraid but I am grateful. This means God is still very much present in my life.

Oh by the way, I saw him laughing and it gave me great joy. I love it when he's laughing. Chill out!

Tired

I am no angel and if you want to ruin yourself because you're such a spoiled brat...go ahead! I love myself and no man is ever worthy to let myself be destroyed once again.

And to that someone who is happy when I'm sad, don't be...because I am not sad. I am happy. I am free. I am standing for my own principle.

February is supposed to be the love month right? What's your definition of love? I think my definition doesn't coincide wtih your definition. I am not willing to compromise.