Daring Myself to Move

This is another one of my sad post.

I can never recreate the past and get the same result. That I know now. Because the people in my life now is different from before.

Regret has been eating me up that's why I've been eating a lot thus my gained weight. I guess I'm complaining about my weight because it shows that I am not really satisfied with my life. Regret is still in me.

Yes, I have my regrets. Although I've told myself that the things I've done were the right things to do during that time...but then I know I could have done more.

I know I have to forgive myself. Maybe in time. I know that to do that I have to do something big. I have to do my best. I have to accomplish something. And this is enough to stress me out.

It's hard to forgive others most of the time but it's even harder to forgive one's self.

This is the lyrics of Snow Patrol's Chocolate...

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25 (24...going on 25)

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

Regret is in me.

And I also need this...

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to moveI dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tel
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

I just hope that I can finally forgive myself.

Wala Lang

I've been posting everyday. Yesterday, I got a hold of a weighing scale. Bravely, I looked at my weight and I have gained 12 lbs!!! I am officially OVERWEIGHT. Now I am really depressed.

Make me happy. Cheer me up!

Browsing Dreams

I'm browsing through Friendster...and boy a lot of great things are happening to my batch mates. I'm really happy for them because their dreams have been coming true.

But I can't help but be saddened by my fate. I'm still stuck here in the Philippines--still hoping for my dreams to come true.

I am just holding on to these message sent to me by friends...it's a prayer actually:

"Lord when I lose hope because my plans have come to nothing, help me to
remember that your love is always greater than my disappointments and your
plans for my life are always greater than my dreams."

Working Off Duty

The nights are longer now but the weather isn't that cold.

I am being immersed in hot painful water but in only helps to bring out hope that I leisurely savour. I need this hope. I need it so much.

Yesterday, I spent my rest day helping out in our store. It's been a while since I really stayed there for a whole day. It strengthens my dream of opeing my own business that is something to do with food.

But I rewarded myself earlier last Saturday by watching Catwoman. And that movie made me want to have a haircut...but I was afraid. Not yet ready. I value my hair although it's very hard to manage.

I am yearning for a change--the change for the better kind.

Soldiers, Heroes, and Dad

Watched World Trade Center last night with Raymond. The movie showed the story from the view of a 9/11 survivor. Anyway, watching the movie made me think of the best community I've ever lived in.

I was in 2nd grade when my parents decided to move to Fernando Air Base so my father can be in his work without worrying how we were always doing. And we stayed there from July 31, 1989 to January 5, 2004.

Growing up in a community of soldiers is the best thing that happened to my formative years. The houses have the same style, the streets were named after fruits (but now named after soldiers), there are lots of passageways to discover. There are two plazas--Plaza 1 and Plaza 2. Plaza 1 are for the officers and Plaza 2 are for the regular sergeants. Knowing how to ride a bike is a must. Grandstand is our playground. Courts are everywhere--basketball courts, tennis courts, volleyball courts, swimming pools, football/soccer. Thus it is no wonder that I learned to play sports. Kids are also everywhere--in every house is at least 2 kids that we can play with during weekends. Fridays used to be the best for us--we could play patintero, gerbase before heading of inside our houses to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Denver the Last Dinosaurs. This is also the place to hone our other skills--such as singing, and dancing. During those years, you could see me wearing black and dancing in front of the whole community in a presentation or a contest. I was also a member of an organization serving God by reading passages during the mass. We got to dress up and walk towards the altar, and let the churchgoer hear our voice.

I also got to meet the different kinds of soldier. And here is also the place where I get to know my father more.

Let's first go back to the movie, notice that marine guy walking towards WTC? I remembered Dad in him. I used to see my father as that tall, strong, and brave man. Anyway, as I spent more time with my Dad, and during my angst-filled years, I learned how human he was--I saw his strengths and weaknesses. I saw how he fell down to his weakness and was able to stand again--to see life in a beautiful way.

Watching WTC and remembering FAB made me realize that I am really so proud of the soldiers--how they give their lives for peace. How they save lives in times of troubles. Soldiers are heroes.

And I guess, my father sees himself like that tall, strong, brave guy, too. I guess, he always sees himself as a soldier. I never got to ask him that because he isn't around physically anymore. But as I remembered him in my dream where he bid his farewell, he was in uniform. He told me he had to go just like a soldier in a mission. I knew then that he was saying goodbye. But it is only now that I realize that he really loved his work and who he has become.

Lyrics...

If I were you,
holding the world right in my hands,
the first thing I'd do is thank the stars for all that I have.
If I were you...

Look what surrounds you now
more than you've ever dreamed.
Have you forgotten just how hard it used to be?
So what's it going to take
for you to realize
it all could go away in one blink of an eye?
It happens all the time...
(If I Were You Hoobastank)

Bennie and the Jets

I don't know if opening up yourself to friends is always right. Issues that I just wish would evaporate in the air resurfaces. Issues that I am not really ready to face, but the question is--when will it be the right time?

I am listening to this controversial song right now by MC Sniper. But don't worry I'm far from being suicidal. I just want to listen to the song although I can't understand the lyrics. It reminds me of the Japanese movies/shows when the scene is dramatic--this song is similar to those music.

Anyway, I met up with highschool friends and I've open myself with them. Of course, being good friends that they are, they told me what they should tell me. I know what I should do but I don't know when I should do it, anyway, if there's one thing I've learned from meeting and opening up with them is that life should be enjoyed. Life is full of beautiful moments. It should be cherished. We may think that we're in deep s*** but when we look around, other people has far greater problems. But it doesn't mean that those people are more pitiful than we are, it only means that they are stronger. It's not how big or small a trial is--it's in how you face it, how you carry it, how you let it shape your life.

And since my issues resurfaces, I just have to say that the truth hurts. But I am constantly praying that God will finally come to save me. That He understands. That He isn't angry. And if it's any consolation, my soul has always been grieving.

Goodbye Bachelorette No. 2

Yesterday, my dear cousin Moneth walked down the aisle. And I couldn't help but remember my conversation with them several years ago. Jeng, Moneth, Kristel and I talked about our plans of getting married. Jeng, Moneth, and I planned on getting married earlier that year. Then last January, Jeng got married. Yesterday, Moneth got married. Now people are telling me that I am next. And instead of being happy and excited about it--I am afraid--SO AFRAID. I am not commit-o-phobic, it's just that I am not ready. And besides, when I told them about my plan--I was still committed to my ex but then my ex is now my ex. And so I shouldn't be included yet in the list.

Anyway, the wedding went well. I was again included in the entourage. I was the cord girl. There were bloopers that made the occasion quite happy. However, the celebration ended right away just before lunch. The wedding was at 8 in the morning, that's why..

Hmmm...another to be cut off from the list of people to be asked on gimmicks.

Anyway, I'm still enjoying my freedom from all the stuff concerning that. And I am even challenging God about something. Sure, I can take it--let His will be done. Until the time is right God. Until the time is right.

Other Bachelorettes:

Leng

Mimi

Baby Liza

Osang. Oh she's not included in the list yet. I object. She should finish her studies first.

And of course, me!

Sweet Corn

In my 8-year stay in Manila, it's only now that I've witnessed such a destructive typhoon. Trees, billboards, roofs, and other structures are not that strong as compared to Typhoon Milenyo. I couldn't really divulge everything that happened to me before, during, and after the typhoon but here are the things that I've learned, realized, and observed from that experience.

1. People were walking on the flooded streets because there's no transportation available. There are floods everywhere. Rich kids and simple folks are walking through the flood.
2. Stores were all closed. Thank God, Tropical Hut was open. I was really starving after the storm. I couldn't really get out because it was insanity if one would get during the typhoon.
3. God is still good to me because I was lucky enough to find and board a jeepney.
4. Many things are possible when you have money. Rich people can afford a night or even days of stay in a hotel just so they can avail of electricity and water.
5. Pains and trials bring out the best in us. We learn to be grateful for every good deeds that people show us--even the little good things matter.

Anyway, it's October already. I can now imagine the cold weather and the Christmas spirit. Also, Tita Toots visited me at work today. I was really glad to see her. She told me some news--good abd bad. Time really passes by so quickly.

Speaking of, last Saturday, with a rather good mood, I made a pizza with the help of Raymond, and Ardee. The pizza wasn't perfect but it tasted really good. Then I realized that maybe this is now the right time to learn how to bake since having my own bakeshop is one of my dreams. Next week, I'm planning on making a lasagna or baked macaroni.

I am having little heartaches at work but surprisingly, I am looking forward to work. My shift is always "toxic" but I don't mind anymore. I am continually challenged and I am happy.

I also surprised myself because I helped out in our house this weekend. Maybe, typhoon Milenyo really did something in me. I guess I am just grateful to be alive. I cleaned our bathroom, really cleaned it from the floor, to the bowl, to the pail and tumbler, and to their loofas, soaps, and soap dishes. I was really grateful for the water supply. Not only that, I also ironed some of the clothes. Grabe, I was really different. Raymond was really shocked. Hehe...

The best that happened during the weekend was attending the mass. My soul is really starving.

I also finished a book--The Second Summer of Sisterhood...I'm not really sure but it's the second book of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I was really into it that I was able to finish that in 3 days. I really like the character and story (there in the 2nd book) of Bridget. Like her, I've lost a parent. But I'm lucky to still have a loving family.

That's all for now!