Just Because

I've been busy watching House on DVD. I finished the first season and I'm still in the middle of the 2nd season. I feel so good because of this. It's like I'm eating the biggest Toblerone alone. Yum!

Speaking of, I'm also currently chewing on a very big chunk of a challenge/mission. I've been mentioning this over and over again. But the thing is, I really don't want to be in this situation. I am thrown into this. I know I always have the choice to do whatever I want. But somehow, I feel trapped. I just hope I'll be successful in the end.

I always want to think of myself as a superhero or an angel. I even told one of my co-worker about the vision I've had before--that I would be helping the poor and the hopeless. That was why I wanted to be a missionary--to be sent to places like Africa. But then, when this thing finally started, I realized that it is hard. And I don't want to be a superhero or an angel anymore. But I am called to do this. I sometimes feel stupid for not doing what is practical (thus, the title on my last post). But then most of the time, I am thankful for this situation. It may be difficult but it shapes my character. I may not be someone who attends the mass everyday, but I can feel God's presence. I feel that God is in my life. I feel privileged to be given this responsibility. I just hope I won't screw this up just like most of the challenges that come my way.

Expect that I will be writing more about this mission. Anyway, back to House. I really, really like his character. I am so into him that before I go to sleep after watching it, I can't help but review the episodes I've watched and the conditions of the patients. I can think of 4 reasons why I really like it:

House is rude and mean. He has so many rough edges. I can somehow see myself in him. I am not exactly charming. And I can be very rude and very mean. He's miserable just like me. But despite that is a character. He is not bad at all.

House (Hugh Laurie) looks like Raymond. Hehe...

The cases are presented in a way that will let you think. A puzzle for doctors, and additional info for other health workers. If cases are presented like this in real life, then studying it will be so much fun.

Okay, and my very reason why I like this show is because I am inlove with Clinical Pharmacy. It is an area of pharmacy where you are expected to check the medicines of a patient. You should watch out for the adverse drug reactions and the drug interactions. You are also allowed to check on whether the doctor is giving the right drug to the right patient. It allows you to think and not just memorize a process. Every case is different. That is why it's exciting. You can give me a case and I can very well handle it. Of course, I don't know much but I know where to look--the references and how to look for them. I would have been doing a clinical pharmacy work (instead of just plain dispensing) if I could just get over my fear of getting sick and infecting my family. That was why when they offered me a position in clinical pharmacy, I declined. But this fear cannot erase my love for cp. And the show is very much like working on a case.

Enough of House, I have to go back to reality.

Stupid

It's stupid to pretend to be a superhero angel when you're really not. Oh when will this stupidity end?

In Life

Death spares no one. When it's your time, it's your time. It's inevitable and uncontrollable. One of the constant images one could see in my workplace is the drama of life--the angel of life and the angel of death constantly and actively doing their job. If I had a thrid eye, I would surely see them accompanying those who would survive and those who would not.

I am used to seeing patients come in and out of my workplace. But I still couldn't get immune to the pain and sympathy I have for these people, no matter how difficult they are. I guess no one can be immune to pain. No amount of pain relievers could take the pain away. Seeing people cry just destroy the wall I build around myself.

I know I shouldn't be surprised about seeing death in others--especially if they're one of the patients. But it is just so unnatural to see a doctor or an employee dying. They are supposed to save the patients and not the other way around. But then, as I've written, death spares no one.

It's scary to think of death. But we have to face it sooner or later. I just hope that I will get to do whatever it is that I still want to do before facing it.

Couldn't Get Over

I can't get over HOUSE. It's the best of all the doctor-related shows I've watched. Good thing I am always off-duty every monday so I can watch it on AXN. But this September I will have the usual duty just like most of the office people so I won't be able to go home and watch it. I'm planning on buying seasons 1 and 2 of that.

I am enjoying the company of my co-pharmacists at work. Maybe because I will be leaving them this September. I'll be transferring to another area. After two years, I'll be adjusting again. This time, the area will be full of difficult customers. Goodluck to me. But I can handle it. I won't be fighting them. And if I have to, well, my tongue is still at its sharpest. But I hope I won't have to use that.

I'm enjoying their company. Thank you God.

And I can't get over PINK--the color. It's still very much present in my layout. Pansin nyo ba? Hehe...

Two Soldiers

For the past few days, I have allowed myself to be mellow, to not think that life is a battlefield--that I have to fight for what I want. And here is an end to the battlefield way of thinking.

For the past six years, I have been given two missions. To take care of the two "soldiers" I would meet in the battlefield. But I am not a soldier--I am a nurse.

The first soldier I encountered was deeply wounded. The past battles he had to endure were still on his mind. But he was determined to start a new life. It took me a while to care for his wounds. Sleepless nights were filled with me helping him. And I could say that I was successful in assisting him. Because he had won in his battles and he was determined to be successful, he was promoted. He was given an easier job and transferred to another country. Sadly though, my mission ended there.

The second soldier was given to me on my way home to rest. Still tired and disappointed from the first one, another mission was not yet on my mind. But as I saw him--he was slowly dying. His one leg was amputated because of the bomb that hit their vehicle on their way back to the camp from a night out. Aside from his amputated leg, he was also deeply wounded. His family thought that he was useless and so they left him. He was still alive yet useless. How do you help a legless man who had been popular back in those days when he was still healthy--he was thriving with life until that incident. It took me a long time to help him--right now, I am still in the process of helping him.

It is easier to love anyone that gives you happiness--easy to get along with, able to treat you out on gimmicks, popular, loved by everyone, dependable, sweet, caring, gentle. But how do you love in spite of the difficulties? How do you love someone who cannot give you all the comforts of life--who can only give you his love. Yes, it's easy to leave him behind--but what if you are his only hope. You can either build him or destroy him.

The first soldier thought me about changing what I can. We have the power to make our lives a little better--by changing our outlook on life. The second soldier thought me about accepting what I cannot change. This is even harder. It is still hard for me. But as long as I am not destroyed, I am continuing on with this mission.

Life is a test. Life is temporary assignment. Life is a trust. Life is not anymore a battlefield.

The Beautiful Ones

As much as I hate to admit it, I have to return to Single's For Christ. Maybe I'll join in a different chapter. I hope this time they'll really win me.

Anyway, things are better nowadays because I am quite successful in quitting to be a bitch at work. My patience has long been gone when it comes to hard customers--I'm even harder--more difficult. But not anymore. I'm tired. And so finally I've found where my patience is. I'm holding on to it. I hope I won't lose it again.

It's the 99th foundation day of my alma mater/workplace. And though I wanted to join in the celebration, I couldn't because I'm always on duty. Anyway, my workplace looks festive and I feel good just by looking at the decorations and the improvement in its buildings.

About to...

Changes, big and small are about to happen to me. I've been thinking of ways of coping up. Changes for me are challenges to be better. But then sometimes it's hard to cope up when you're not ready.

Maybe, things will be better. My heart has been scarred a lot of times and people are still breaking it to pieces. Maybe, this time it will be given a chance to heal. Maybe this time chance will give me the time to shine. Maybe this is the step to that. Maybe this time I'll be happier.

I need to change my outlook. To find more patience. Patience is needed to where I am going.

Anyway, last Friday, I went with the Main people to Tia Marias or Maria, whatever. I'm not really into those stuff. I just want to hang out with them. I will be leaving them this September and well, I'm gonna miss them. Same workplace but different area. We had a great time drinking, eating, and dancing. All of them know how to dance. Nice!

After that, I went back to our workplace and spent the night there because it was already dangerous to go to my dorm.

I've already been in a bar/resto/place where there is just plain drinking while listening to a live band--no jamming, no dancing. To a bar where you can sing and laugh and watch a performance while drinking. To a bar/club where you can dance. I just have to go to a gay bar, then that would be it. That would be enough. I'm more into eating out--trying new restos, going to different places to eat and discover something new about that place. I'm also into movie watching.

Oh, btw, does anyone of you know a group which I can join. A Catholic or Christian group to have fellowship. Feel free to suggest. I'll really appreciate that. Thanks!

Anyway, one of the big changes happened today. I'm kinda anticipating this although I'm scared. I just don't think we're helping each other anymore. He is the one to decide. My heart is still open to him.

Once

I spent my off duties watching DVDs. My brother bought a dvd of comedy movies. They are all funny and I should be laughing hard but I just didn't understand why tears rolled down my face during those hours spent watching them.

Click, a movie starring Adam Sandler, really made me cry. It made me remember Dad and how I was very busy thinking about my career that I didn't even bother going home. I guess I could relate to Adam's character, in a way.

Super ex-girlfriend was okay but I just could not relate to G-girl. I've been through a break-up and though I sometimes felt hatred during that time towards the girl who took my ex away, I never really bothered to try to make her life miserable. I just let him go, let them love one another, and let myself move on.

Superman Returns brought me back into my adolescent years. The intro music made me remember Superman 1, 2, and 3. When I was 12, I had this issue with myself and those 3 movies were my constant companion on weekends--letting me dream, allowing me to enter my own world--a world that was safe from bullies and mean people. Hearing that intro music made me cry.

I've been crying and crying while watching those movies and it nearly convinved me that maybe I was nuts. Then after watching those, coincidentally, Girl, Interrupted was shown at Star Movies. I was glued to the tube even more. I was curious. It was a depressing movie--it tackled depression. It made me think of my own life. Again I cried. Nonstop. I was really finding myself weird but I couldn't help it.

All those cryings made me sleepy that evening. My Mom found me fast asleep in our couch while the tv was on. It was raining hard outside and I forgot to put our laundry in a dry, safe place. Of course, I heard what I deserved.

Sometimes, I think that Mom is most worried about me. I may be the eldest but I am the weakest. My siblings are all strong--they know how to make friends, how to deal with people. While I have my own world, my own principles which make me collide against others. Maybe she was thinking what would happen to me if she were gone, because the truth is, I really have no one except her. I may write about these things but I can't really trust anyone enough with my life. My Mom is the only person whom I can trust.

Last night, I couldn't really sleep. I've been thinking so much. It was one of those nights when I felt really cold, helpless, and hopeless. I was so afraid of the world. And it was one of those nights when I surrender myself to God. And suddenly, still unable to sleep, I was able to solve some of my worries/problems. In the end, I had a nice sleep too nice that I was late at work this morning. But that's okay.

Unexpected Party

Yesterday the morning shift was just ending and we already had more than 4 angry customers for not answering their queries on the spot because they did not have their number yet or it was not their turn. I blew it off with a customer using the microphone being used to call out the customer numbers. I was in a straight duty yesterday.

I was not the only one with that experience that day. Maam Leah had hers--her first customer pa naman. And so we all concluded that that day was different. People were kind of in a bad mood. I blamed it on the heat.

And then after our efforts together, we were able to serve all our customers. Then fun started to happen.

It was supposed to be Malou's birthday the following day and she said that she wanted Mr. Chips. I think she asked Zy to buy her Mr. Chips. She even added some bucks to buy a liter of coke. And then we had the idea of collecting 20 peso bill so we could buy pansit canton. Everyone of us chipped in. Chris gave the highest amount and it let us buy loads of pansit canton, some bread and 2 bottles of softdrinks.

In the end, we were able to celebrate Malou's brithday and we satisfied our stomach.

Goodbyes

My cousins from the states who spent their vacation here left already this morning. And mo matter how long we're used to being far apart, seeing them, spending time with them, catching up, and then them leaving again, gave us that sad feeling.

Goodbyes are always painful. They are always sad.

But with goodbyes come another beginning. Here's to a new and brighter tomorrow. Until we see each other again. Thank you and we'll certainly miss you.

Who Would Be Saved?

I finally got to read the Da Vinci Code. Yes...it's a bit late but I only got the chance to read it now. I'm not really finished but I already got the points of the novel. It is after all a fiction novel so I shouldn't bother to think about the ideas there but if there is one thing that got me thinking, it's this:

All are equal in the eyes of God. Be it man or woman. The book
is feminist. I like it. Everyone is called to serve God. It is
not a sin to serve God. So I guess a female priest is
acceptable and married priests, too. What do you
think?

For the past few days, I've been busy with family errands...no let me put that specifically--clan errand. More and more of my older relatives are in need of supplements. Here I am to save them! It's good though. I got to go to UST and observe students, doctors, and patients. I would have enjoyed it more if it wasn't raining.

I also spent time with my long-time crush. It's not that he knows about my feelings and I would never ever admit that to him. I am just glad that I get to know him a little better.

It's August once again. And I'm glad to tell you that unlike last year, I'm happier now. Things are still tough but I am happier.