When September Ends

Tomorrow is gonna be August already. It's gonna be his birthday. It's gonna be a tough month for me. But I'm glad things are happening already. I had the result of the assessment in APEC and I passed it. I'm also gonna be taking lots of exams. But if all else fails, I have back-up plans.
Ever heard and saw the music video of the song When September Ends by Greenday? Wow, that is the first and only song that has made me cry the first time I heard it. It hits my heart and soul.

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends
like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Hay...tama...tagos! Okay lang.

Stand-by

I am okay. Don't worry. And I want to thank everyone who commented just to make me feel better. Thank you so much!

I may still be feeling pain but I am okay. Come to think of it. I love this pain I am feeling right now. I am accepting this as my constant companion, then I won't have to feel alone. I love this pain. I don't want to be "happy" anymore because I find it very hard to adjust back to loneliness. I'd rather be "lonely" for the rest of my life. Basta ba after death, I'll have my reward.

This is the second to the last entry that I'm gonna talk about death. Maybe, this is my way of thinking that sometimes you'd rather be dead than be strengthened.

Don't get me wrong, I won't be committing suicide or anything, it's just that when you're full of pain and it seems that your loved ones do not care, it's better to leave them behind. But I'd rather be the last one to take off because I don't want to cause trouble for them.

Last night, I've had interesting conversations with my co-workers. I am really grateful for their advices. It's funny how I get sympathy from familiar strangers and be mocked by the people whom I assumed to really know me (this doesn't include my family).

My life is still very much painful but I am loving it as I go along my journey.

Back to Diary-Writing

Call me paranoid. But within the past few months, I've been visited by sickness--diarrhea, body pains, depression. These made me think that I might be dying. I told God that if I were to die I hope it wouldn't be until I was sexy and pretty enough so I could have great pictures to leave my loved ones.

And for the past few months, I am gradually losing weight. I am not taking any diet pills or I am not even exercising. It is natural. I guess the constant pain in my heart does it. But now that I am thinking about it, I now remember that "conversation" with God. What if I am really dying that's why God let me lose weight? Scary!

The truth is I am not ready to die yet. I may be feeling so blue but I still do not want to die. Life is really precious. I am enjoying every minute of it even if it is hard to live at most of the time.
I better stay away from the camera! What do you think?

Updates lang

Wala pa naman akong maikukuwento dito. Actually, i want to say a lot of things here but I don't know how to put them today. Some other day when I'm not this tired. My cousins and I have neen really bonding for the past few days. Right now I am missing them. I miss my Mom. I miss Lipa!

Hold your Head up High

You can't stop me from flying...
You can caged me in
But I'll find a way to escape...
You can try everything just to hold me down...
But I will continue to crawl my way out
And stand again...
I am unbeatable...
Next time I'll call the shot!

Blues Clues

I've been really affected by couples that I know of. Here at work I have 2 friends. They met here and they fell in love with each other. At first it was just a game-- game that none of us who know them approve of. Then it came to the point that they were in too deep. Now they make their relationship legal. They have broken up with their respective beaus to be together. Good for them. But I couldn't help but feel bad because they have deceived both their exes first. They were so mean and immature. And though they have made their choice final. Well, that's their choice. Hopefully, that won't happen to me--eceived and two-timed. I'd rather know the truth right away. Don't ever break it to me gently.

Nothing much has been happening to me. I feel like God has forgotten His plans for me. I have long been waiting. Does He still care?

It's the time of the month when I am feeling so down.

I've watched Herbie Fully Loaded. Lindsay Lohan is still pretty and hot but in real life--she's not. I think she's going through a lot of pressures. I hate it when popular, blessed people can't get it together. I mean, she's really blessed and so talented. Oh well, I don't know Lindsay that much. I don't know her at all except for her movies and some gossips.

I feel so alone. I wish I were working right now so I could get my mind off my feelings. I'm off duty today. I'm thankful for this day because I was able to attend the mass--FINALLY!

There is still that pain in my heart. Pain that I need. When will my time come? Most of my friends are leaving the country. I am the only one to be left behind. I hate to be left behind. I'm glad for their good fortune. But when I think about myself-- am thinking if and why.

I'm taking a deep breath. Maybe later I would cry in my sleep. Tomorrow, I have to smile. I have to work. I have to face people. I need this pain. Really, I do. This will make me stronger.
I feel empty. I am praying for God to fill this emptiness.

Okay I feel much better.

Fun with Them

As I've mentioned in my last entry, I spent time with my cousins last weekend. I haven't seen Paul and John-John for so many years then, and that was the first time I've seen them. They were so big and tall. Paul was still the jolly, kind kid who was like RR Herrerra when he was a kid. And John-John was still "bulol" whenever he was speaking Tagalog. He was a bit serious as compared to Paul but he was also makulit. Kami ba naman nagsama-sama, hindi pwedeng hindi lalabas kakulitan mo niyan.

Paul and John had to go to their dentist so Kristel, Osang and I went to Kristel's boarding house first then went to check our email. Athan and Ardee followed us. And after their appointment with the denstist, we went to fetch them and we all went to Rob Place in Lipa. We rode 3 tricycles. All in all we were 16. We ate lunch. I was feeling guilty for ordering P65 worth of food because I knew we could have saved a lot of money when we would just eat in our house. But minsan lang yun so ayun, we enjoyed the food. After lunch, iniwan namin sina Ate Cora to go to Fiesta Mall to play bowling.

It was my first time to play real bowling. Real because of the big ball, I don't even know the term for the ball. I used to play duck pin sa Narkabowl. This time the ball was heavier. So lagi akong kulelat sa mga yun. Nevertheless, nag-enjoy naman ako. Baby Lisa followed us there. Nagyon lang nakilala nina Paul si Baby Lisa. And it was good that she agreed to go with us. Para magkakila-kilala kaming magpipinsan.

After that, nagbumpcar kami. Dapat nga di bump car tawag dun kundi collision car. Kase ang wild namin. Rowdy. Halos bumaligtad at masira yung mga sasakyan. Siguro iniisip ni Manong na ang gugulo namin na kung pwede lang wag na kaming pasakayin pero wala siyang choice. Our noise drew attention from others. kapag kami ang sumasakay, as in nanonood talaga sila.
Bump cars have been our favorite kase banggaan at hiyawan yun eh. Lokohan. Kulitan. Yun ang treat namin sa mga pinsan naming balikbayan. Though sila ang manlilibre, hindi nila maeexperience yun sa Australia or sa Amerika kase wala kami doon. And sure na nag-enjoy sila. Nag-enjoy din kami.

After that, umuwi na kami. Kumain ng dinner. Then naglakad kami papuntang hospital to visit our grandmother. After nun, umuwi na kami. Nakakapagod pero masaya.

After Darkness

I stood where we once stood...
the path of our friendship...
slowly blooming inside.........
my heart embracing a journey...
where i cannot bring you...
calm perils...
waving on the sides...
i look at the eyes...
of someone i used to know...
of someone who used to love me...
i glance...
seeing your back...
but somehow feeling the warmth...
of your gentle goodbye...
i found myself at the end...
and i'll trace back the steps that led me to you...

I will still be here for you. You can always count on me. I'll be your friend. I love you too much to be angry. Thank you and I hope you will always be happy.

***

Last Saturday I attended the Team Building. It would have been fun but the lack of sleep the pther night made my stomach to grumble that I had to visit the restroom a few times. I was really sleepy after so I had to sleep for an hour before attending to my laundry and then I went home after.
I saw Paul, John-John, Kuya Ernie, and Ate Cora in our house. Kristel and us talked for a few hours.
The next day we made some plan for fun. And it was really fun. I will just talk about those things some other time. Right now, I am feeling okay--calm, although I am going through a lot. Not a lot but one important event in my life.
Some other time.

Team Building

I know I am not the most important person in the world. I am but one of the many faceless person in your life. But I am alive. I may mean nothing to you but I mean a lot to me.
Hmmm...later I will attend the team building in my workplace. We'll also gonna transfer to the other side of our workplace--the renovated one. I bet I would still get dizzy from the smell of paint after I get back.

This evening my Aunt would talk with me. I wonder how it would turn out.
I feel sad because the people important to me are neglecting me a lot. Well, I just have to do what I have to do. This entry is nothing but ramblings.

Now here's a song I love way back in highschool. I really miss my friends. I find no one to talk with nowadays. I feel like I'm going insane. Hay...life talaga!

Artist: Hoffs, Susanna LyricsSong:
Now and Then Lyrics
Starting out just like any summerdays
have felt the life time lovet
hat's where we find each other
and we find ourselves oooh
now and then don't have to look back
now and then you're right here with me
now and then oooh my friend don't say good bye again
looking in your eyes world's like a mirror
every single joy and fear
all for one and one for all
yeah we did it
now and then don't have to look back
now and then you're right here with me
now and then oooh my friend don't say good bye again
although it was long, long ago
something here, here inside I love
now and then don't have to look back
now and then you're right here with me
now and then yeah my friend don't say good bye again
looking in your eyes world's like a mirror
every single joy and fear
all for one and one for all
yeah we did it
now and then
now and then
now and then oooh my friend
don't say good bye
don't say good bye
don't say good bye again

Phobic Insomniac

I was tossing and turning. It was almost 2 in the morning. I wanted to wake up early but how could I when I still could not sleep. This has been going on for weeks. I would snap awake at 1 in the morning and I wouldn't be able to catch my sleep until it was 5 in the morning. This would make me groggy before 9 that I had to sleep some more until it's already 10 and I couldn't do anything fruitful for the day anymore.

What made me awake in the middle of the night? The mice and cockroaches in our room. Last night I had to open the light and this made one of my roommates to wake up. We moved the bad full of food away from my bed because I couldn't sleep to the sound of them playing. There were about 3 mice and a cockroach. I didn't know that mice and cockroaches were friends. Arrgh! I'd rather be on duty than try to catch some sleep.

I'm turning into an insomniac. I hate it. I do not want to be like this. I refuse to be like this. Hmmm...I'd better do something.

Oh there are lots of books that I want to read. I want to read them now!!!

My Heart Belongs...

Sa tuwing tinitingnan ko ang aking puso, madalas ko siyang makitang may pasa o sugat o dumudugo dala ng mga pangyayari at mga taong nakapaligid sa akin at ng mga taong malalapit sa akin. Minsan kakaiba itong puso ko, konting haplos ng mga ibang nagmamahal sa akin, kahit gaano kabuti, masakit pa rin. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit ako umaalis o lumalayo sa kanila. Gusto ko silang lumapit pero sa tuwing hahawakan nila ang puso ko para haplusin, nasasaktan ang puso ko.

Maraming taon ang lumipas pero ganoon ang nangyayari. Ngunit kahit ganoon ang nangyayari, nananatili pa rin nila akong mahal, at nananatili pa rin ang pagmamahal ko sa kanila.
Hanggang sa tila hindi na ako makakilos at lubha na akong nalilito. Pinag-isipan ko kung bakit ako nagkakaganito at bakit ganito ang disposisyon ko sa buhay.

Maraming taon na ang nakakaraan ng may itinanim akong pagmamahal sa puso ko--pagmamahal sa taong pinakamahalaga sa buhay ko. Pero ang dami kong ginawang maling paraan. Mali ang ginawa kong paraan ng pagtatanim. Pinilit ko kase eh. Kinuha ko ang tangkay ng pagmamahal niya at itinanim sa puso ko. Itinarak ko siya sa puso ko. Halos nagutay-gutay ang puso ko. Pero okay lang, mahal ko siya sabi ko. At dun na nga, sa tuwing uusbong ang pagmamahal niya nasasaktan ang puso ko. Sa mga bawat ugat na humahaba, sa bawat pagtaas ng pagmamahal niya, parang nasisira ang puso ko. Sa halip na maging komportable ang pagmamahal na iyon, nagsilbi pa itong tinik sa puso ko.

Unti-unting nawawasak ang puso ko. Nakakatakot na baka hindi ko na ito magamit pa. Kaya nagpasya akong bunutin siya. Magiging mahirap ang paghilom sa wasak ko ng puso. Matagal siguro bago siya mabuong muli. Ang tamang paraan kasi ay dapat patubuin ko muna ang pagmamahal sa puso ng taong iyon. May kakayanan ang bawat puso na magpausbong ng pagmamahal. Na hindi sa paraan ng pagtarak at paghuhukay, kusa itong uusbong sa puso ninuman. May kakayahan din itong magpalago ng mga sanga na siyang babalot sa puso ng sinumang naisin niyang mahalin. Ang mga sangang ito ang siyang magaalaga at magbibigay lakas sa ibang puso. Mangyayari lang iyon, kung ang mismong puso ng taong inusbungan ng pagmamahal na iyon ay binalutan na rin ng sarili niyang sanga. Kailangang mahalin muna niya ang sarili niya bago siya tuluyang makapagmahal ng iba. Para mas matibay.

Ang nangyari kasi sa akin, hindi ko pa nababalutan ng pagmamahal ang sarili ko, tinarakan ko pa ng pagmamahal. Akala ko iyon ang tama, pero hindi pa pala. Kaya ngayon, pipilitin kong magsimula muli. Hahayaan ko munang maghilom ang puso ko. Pagkatapos babalutan ko ng pagmamahal ito hanggang sa makaya kong magbalot ng pagmamahal sa ibang tao.

Paano maghihilom ang mga sugat ko? Marami akong mga kakilala na nagbibigay ng pagmamahal sa akin sa tamang paraan. Kaya pala masakit kapag sinusubukan nilang haplusin ang puso ko, may malaking sugat at tinik pala sa puso ko. Pero hindi naputol ang pagmamahalan namin dahil sa tamang paraan ito umusbong. Andyan din ang Diyos. Siya ang aking doktor. Andyan ang luha ko na panlinis sa sugat. Mga ngiti na nagbibigay sustansya sa puso ko. Kakayanin ko ito.

At sana kapag handa na ulit akong magmahal, handa na rin siya. Ngunit kung hindi pa, o kung nauna na siya, masyado akong mahal ng Diyos. Bibigyan Niya ako ng ibang nararapat sa akin.
Masakit. Mahirap. Pero kaya ko ito.

Still Early

Yes, it's still early because later I will be on a night duty.

This morning I cried out of hurt. Hurt because they never considered informing me. Good thing I asked my friend and she told me the truth. Or else, I will just look like a fool.

People has the tendency to never look back when they are on their way to success. I will never be a fan of the victims of this tendency. They made me mad at the world. Catcher in the Rye (yes, the book) comes to my mind.

I miss Holden Caulfield. I miss him in my nature. Back then I could be like him--angry and selfish. I miss him but I am not regretting what I am now--I am Phoebe Caulfield. His sister. The innocent, understanding girl that Holden tried to protect from the phoniness of this world. Yeah, this makes perfect sense. I need to be angry and selfish so the innocent, and more understanding me will survive and come out. Innocent because I refuse to conform to the call of this ugly society. Understanding--I may not conform but my mind is not narrow.

But right now, I'll be meeting Holden Caulfield. I need him for a while. I need him to protect the Phoebe in me. With that, I'm outta here!

Wise (may mga nadagdag na...)

Thirty Wise Sayings from the Wise King himself...King Solomon...(Proverbs 22:22-23:22)

1. Don't take advantage of the poor or cheat them in court. The Lord is their defender and what you do to them, he will do to you. (lagot ka, Gloria)
2. Don't make friends with anyone who has bad temper. You might turn out like them and get caught in a trap. (Hmmm...sino kaya nanghawa sa akin?)
3. Don't guarantee to pay someone else's debt. If you don't have the money you might lose your bed. (Utang mo babayaran ng Nanay mo!)
4. Don't move a boundary marker set up by your ancestors. (kaya nagkakaroon ng gyera eh!)
5. If you do your job well, you will work for a ruler and never be a slave. (Depende sa boss mo yan.)
6. When you are invited to eat with a king, use your best manners. Don't go and stuff yourself! That would be just the same as cutting your throat. Don't be greedy for all that fancy food! It may not be so tasty. (Dapat marunong kang makibagay sa abot ng iyong makakaya.)
7. Give up trying so hard to get rich. Your money flies away before you know it, just like an eagle suddenly taking off. (Wag kang mag-aalaga ng agila at baka matangay niya ang pera mo...)
8. Don't accept an invitation to eat a selfish person's food, no matter how good it is. People like that take note of how much you eat. They say, "Take all you want!" But they don't mean it. Each bite will come back up, and your kind words will be wasted. (Selfish nga eh!)
9. Don't talk to fools--they will just make fun. (Fools nga eh!)
10. Don't move a boundary marker or take the land that belongs to orphans. God All-Powerful is there to defend them against you. (Sinong guilty?)
11. Listen to instruction and do your best to learn. (Mismo!)
12. Don't fail to correct your children. You won't kill them by being firm, and it may even save their lives. (Tama agree ako dito!)
13. My children, if you show good sense, I will be happy, and if you are truthful, I will really be glad. (Be good. Do good. Look good. Feel good.)
14. Don't be jealous of sinners, but always honor the LORD. Then you will truly have hope for the future. (God first!)
15. Listen to me, my children! Be wise and have enough sense to follow the right path. Don't be a heavy drinker or stuff yourself with food. It will make you feel drowsy, and you will end up poor with only rags to wear. (Pwede kang magkasakit at kapag nagkasakit sayang inipon mo, mapupunta lang sa pagpapagamot mo sa ospital kung saan ang suot mo ay parang basahan na nakatagpi lang sa katawan mo...)
16. Pay attention to your father, and don't neglect your mother when she grows old. Invest in truth and wisdom, discipline and good sense, and don't part with them. Make your father truly happy by living right and showing sound judgement. Make your parents proud, especially your mother. (Tawag dito, utang na loob...para sa kabutihan mo rin ito)
17. My son, pay close attention, and gladly follow my example. Bad women and unfaithful wives are like deep pit--they are waiting to attack you like agang of robbers with victim after victim. (Same goes for daughters...mas maraming nangangaliwang lalaki ngayon!)
18. Who is always in trouble? Who argues and fights? Who has cuts and bruises? Whose eyes are red? Everyone who stays up late, having just one more drink. don't even look at that colorful stuff bubbling up in the glass! it goes down so easily, but later it bites like a poisonous snake. You will see weird things, and your mind will play tricks on you. You will feel tossed about like someone trying to sleep on a ship in a storm. You will be bruised all over, without even remembering how it all happened. And you will lie awake asking, "When will morning come, so I can drink some more?" (Don't drink alcohol, use it as antiseptic!)
19. Don't be jealous of crooks or want to be their friends. All they think about and talk about is violence and cruelty. (Birds of the same feather flock together...tama ba grammar ko?)
20. Use wisdom and understanding to establish your home; let good sense fill the rooms with priceless treasures.
21. Wisdom brings strength, and knowledge gives power. Battles are won by listening to advice and making lots of plans. (True!)
22. Wisdom is too much for fools! their advice is no good. (Ang di maka-appreciate nito--fool...hehe...)
23. No one but troublemakers think up trouble. Everyone hates senseless fools who think up ways to sin.
24. Don't give up and be helpless in times of trouble.
25. Don't fail to rescue those who are doomed to die. Don't say, "I didn't know it!" God can read your mind. He watches each of us and knows our thoughts. And God will pay us back for what we do. (So dapat tumulong tayo sa mga pulubi, rugby boys, at sa mga iba pang taong naliligaw ng landas.)
26. Honey is good for you, my children, and it tastes sweet. Wisdom is like honey for your life--if you find it, your future is bright. (Mag-alaga ka ng bees para marami kang honey...)
27. Don't be a cruel person who attacks good people and hurt their families. Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them. (Totoo nga naman...)
28. Don't be happy to see your enemies trip and fall down. The LORD will find out and be unhappy. Then he will stop being angry with them. (Mahal din sila ng Diyos.)
29. Don't let evil people worry you or make you jealous. They will soon be gone like the flame of a lamp that burns out. (And they will leave you feeling miserable...)
30. My children, you must respect the LORD and the king, and you must not make friends with anyone who rebels against either of them. Who knows what sudden disaster the LORD or a ruler might bring? (After all, they are in power...)

Walking on a Rainy Day Yesterday

The cold weather, soaking socks, Makati, and lots of walking made me happy yesterday. Since it was raining I was able to ride the MRT without squeezing myself in it. Glorietta was also not that crowded. I went to Makati to schedule an exam. And since taxi fares were expensive and there was a big chance that I would encounter bad drivers which would ruin my day, I decided to walk.

Damp streets, tall buildings, rich people inspired me. And although I know that I won't belong there (in Makati), I still enjoyed looking and watching people from the middle-upper class. They made me think that if they can do it, I can do it, too. I can also be successful and happy in my life. God surely loves them and God loves me, too.

Inside the mall (Glorietta, LandMark, SM), I could see celebrities, business people, and other interesting people. Everyone is educated. There is no need to shout or to step on one another.
Makati may be for the rich but it has been nice to me. Almost all of my memories of this place are sweet. Maybe it's sweet for me because I do not work there. I'm just visiting. There's no pressure for me there. Or maybe, Makati just reflects what I want for a city. Clean. Disciplined. Progressive.

I'm Back

I tried to abstain from writing here. That's because I don't have anything good to write aside from being very busy. I also promised myself that my next entry would not be about my usual rants. Now I have a lot of good things to write but i won't be writing about those things right now. I would be writing about all the good things, people, places in this life.

I was lonely for the past few months and I guess I should turn and look at the other side of my situation. I decided to be happy. I would stop whining and do something. And I did something for my future a while ago. Oh, I am even looking forward to it.

I have finally stepped into the path to maturity. I am not yet there but I am on my way there. I won't let discouragement get in the way. I've got a lot to be thankful for. I have trials to test and strengthen my character, crosses to remind me about my main mission in this life, family to ever inspire me and give me reason to keep on with my journey, friends to show that not all people are bad, Mark to love me and teach me how to love unconditionally, and of course God, what can I say? These people, creature, situations will make me into someone more beautiful than I already am.

And to those people who always visit this blog...I MISS YOU ALL!!!