My 2005

The old year is about to leave us. 2006 is coming. Time flies so fast. I have gone through a lot of changes. I couldn't believe that I could go through that but I have gone through that.

2005 has been my year of surrender. Looking back, I have been thrown in a molder to be molded, put on fire, rough edges hammered, to become a better me. I couldn't really say that I am where I want to be but I am not where I used to be. I have lost a lot of my loved ones--either dead or alive. I wasn't able to give (those who died) them a space here in my blog and I would like to do that now before the year ends. This couldn't do anything to bring back whatever is lost, but I would like to keep a memory of everyone and everything.

This year I was asked to surrender these people:

My almost five year relationship with Mark has been ended by him. So many lessons are learned and unlearned. am I okay? Not really. But I am getting there. How can you unlove someone? Is that really possible? I don't think I can ever unlove him. But I can let God make that love evolve into something that fits us. I have forgiven him and I am now trying to move on. There is a reason for everything. And I am trusting God on this one. Actually, i am now trusting God on everything. Because that is the right thing to do.

Mark's Lola died this August on Mark's birthday. She was really kind and affectionate. Whenever I would go to Bulacan, she would really make an effort to speak to me and ask me questions about her medications and condition. She would even give me a kiss whenever I would leave Bulacan. Sadly though, it took me 9 months before I could visit her again...and she was already in her coffin when I did that. It really broke my heart when I heard the news. To think that she's not really my lola. Maybe, it's because of her affection to me. I miss her.

My Tita Lagreng died last September. If my dad is the kindest tito my cousins could ever have, she is the kindest tita. I am forever grateful for all the assistance, care, advices, and love she and her family gave me during my 3-month stay with them. She never asked me for any financial obligation while I was with them. She would even be the one to offer me financial help whenever I was broke. We would often talk after I came at their house from work. And I would gladly relay to her all of the daily events that happened, from the tricycle drivers to the people at work. She would patiently listen, just like my mother. And sometimes if she was in the mood, she would tell me stories of her youth. I used to have a BIG problem when it comes to mingling with people. I tend to be outcasted. And she would give me tips on how to deal with it. She used to be naughty in the sense that she would piss others more when she knew that others were already pissed at her. But she is one of the conservative people I know. She would lecture me on how to act and deal with the opposite sex. I like her take on life and I really look up to her when it comes to her faith in God. She is also a devoted wife and a loving mother. One of my regrets though is not being able to visit her more often when she was sick. She got sick, her kidneys gave up, after I left their house. And because of the distance and my schedule, with all of the adjustments I have to make, I wasn't able to spend time with her. I remember planning on visiting her, a few days before she died, but it didn't push through because that supposed visiting day was the day of the official break up. Basta, she will always be one of the reasons why I continued with my life. To never give up, to seek God. It is in their house that I first stumbled upon the PDL book.

My friend Kleng. After almost five years of being together, she left us because she has to learn and unlearn so many things. I miss her but I think she has to be away for her dreams to come true. She is one of the few people I can really confide my feelings with. She knows what to say because she does understand what I am going through. She really did see me grow and stumble and get up. I can really say that she's one of my true friends. She is now staying with her sister, Marivic. I miss her. I hope that she'll be able to finally get what she is dreaming of.

My Dad's mother, Lola Usyon. She died this December. I never really got to hang out with her during her last few years on earth because of the distance. She used to leave in our house but after some years she opted to stay at my Aunt's place. A very kind lola, that's who she is. When my siblings and I were still in gradeschool, she would devotedly went with us. While we were in school, she would patiently wait for us at our other lola's house in Sabang. She would make sure that food is ready during lunch. We were also together during those times that we were both "blooming". We loved walking together and going to mass together. We also love to dance and sing. She also taught me Latin words that I already forgot. But I remember one time, my finger got cut by a blade and it wouldn't stop bleeding. In panic, I woke her up and she just whispered some words and then the bleeding stopped. I was amazed and relieved that time.

That's Sir Rowel. We used to work together but he already resigned.He will be going to Dubai to be with his girlfriend so they can get married. He is the only one I can really consider to be a kuya. He is mature and when he gives you his thoughts, his thoughts are really sensible. He will really tell you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear. And he is one of those people who help me deal with what happened, although he would constantly whine whenever I would begin talking about my past. He is also one of my favorite preys when I'm in the mood to pick on people. Look at his pic, this was taken on one of our night shifts, and I was in the mood for vanity. He also wanted to take a pic of himself and when he took a shot, his head was so shiny that he laughed at what he saw. That was why he was wiping his head. He didn't want me to take a pic of him after that. Although I am sad that he already left us, I am happy for him. He deserves to be happy.

Although a lot has left, it doesn't mean that it's really the end. 2005 is just the year that we have to part ways. There are reasons why but I know that someday, we'll be together again. Maybe not now...but someday.

And now, let's move on to the people who came into my life.

Sophia Zoe. Kuya Ronald's and Ate Mylene's first born.

Cassandra. Kuya Bailon and Ate Baby's first born.

That's Gian. Ate Gina and Kuya Rocky's first born. He is the newest member of the Titular's family.

Other wonderful highlights of the year:

• Ate Gina and Kuya Rocky's church wedding here in the Philippines. I got to be an usherette.
• The Puerto del Sol summer
• I actively blogged this year. Although I stopped during that life-changing month, I gained friends on the net. Although I haven't met them in person they are really able to help me with their comments and their posts. I want to thank them for their kindness because they always stop by and they are kind enough to share their life through their stories.
• The Santacruzan. It is during this year that the Kapisanan is formed. Now I can expect more activities in our area from now on.
• The Mirandas went back to the Philippines for a vacation. And we really had fun spending time with them. I hope to be with them soon.
• Sam Gabriel was born. I can't find pics of him eh.
• Kuya Carling had a stroke and aneurysm. Thank God he was still givena second chance.
• Kuya Ronald and his family went to Australia.
• Joret and Edra went to Canada to pursue their career as pharmacists.
• And I can now proudly say that I have accepted God in my life and He is now the first and the center of my life. I think that this is what really make 2005 a great year for me.

I love this pic. Wala lang.

Pic of me with my cousins...

And after saying what I want to say...I wish you all a BLESSED NEW YEAR!!! I am really looking forward to 2006.

Night Shifts

And so I spent my Christmas at work. But God has give in to one of my whims and He let me get a glimpse of Apollo who wasn't on duty that time. He saw me and gave me a compliment. He said I looked good. Hehe... And I got to go to Baywalk with Ate Marlyn and Malou. It was my first time to go there after it has been renovated. I enjoyed walking with them but we talked about our past and it made me depressed a bit. There were live music all around baywalk on the eve of Christmas. I would have wanted to settle down on one of those and just listen to the musc but they wanted to walk. I love walking but I love listening to music more.

On Christmas day, it was just work. No glimpses...nothing. And so I got lonely again.

Yesterday, I went on a straight duty. I saw him but he was barely awake and so nothing. And I made the mistake of becoming Grinch. I do not hate Christmas but I said mean things to people. I am blaming it on my period but it's still not the reason to be tactless. I will make it up to them. How? I hate myself for being mean. Now they know that I could be bad. That I could really piss them off. That's one of my skills--pissing people off when I am pissed.

But I will make it up to them. Peace sisters!!!

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I am reflecting and reading. I am reading The Purpose Driven Life book. It's about time to read it and reflect on it. It is really helping me.

I am happy because I bought another review book. This time I will finish that review book. I am nervous about the exam.

That's about it. 'Til tomorrow!!!

Christmas

Somewhere in my thoughts, I have planned on leaving my church and finding another church that can cater to my needs. This thought came after reading and knowing some truths. But then, along with these thoughts are the questions and doubts. And then one night I came up with a realization.

There is no perfect church because there is no perfect person. And instead of running away from my church, I must do my best to make it better and warmer. I am a Catholic. There are many traditions that Catholics are doing that are not really necessary, but I still believe in the faith that this church is trying to impart to its people. And as long as God is its God, then everything will be alright. I cannot explain here all of what's going on in my head but I am glad to tell you that I do not want to leave my religion. Yes, I'm keeping this. And there are plans formed in my head on how I will be able to do my part as a Catholic/lover of God.

Any other way. With the realization that Apollo is really a jerk and I am lonely and having a hard time to do what I am supposed to do, I do not know what to do with myself most of the time. But if you're going to ask me if I'll have it easier, I'd refuse it. I may be having a hard time most of the time, but I am grateful. I like what is going through with me right now. I need this pain, I need this loneliness, I need this happiness, I need everything that is happening to me now. I am lonely but happy. I am hopeful. All I want is to do my purpose and fulfill my mission.

Of course, I am also hoping that I would finally meet the guy who will really love me and take care of me, and that he will never ever betray me. But I think that God knows what He is doing. And if ever God gives me that kind of guy that must mean that I need it in my life. And right now, maybe God is thinking that I do not need to meet him now. God knows what I need and who I need and He will provide for me. So I guess, with or without a love life, I will be fine.

Updates. I have done shopping for gifts. And I am giving myself time to reflect on the meaning of Christmas. I may not be able to go on line this Christmas, I'll try but I'll just spend my free time going to church and attending the mass. Time to do my share. So I'm greeting everyone a very MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Kong

It's Kingkong's fault that I am sad right now. Watching the movie brought me emotions that I am trying to ignore. It's nearing Christmas and it's confirmed that I'll be working on Christmas day. From the 24th to the 26th. And I'm already lonely.

I went to Divisoria today. There were less people there as compared to last year. There's a lot of changes in Divisoria. And I miss going to the stores I used to go to when I was a kid. I miss tagging along with my Mom.

Yesterday, I attended the christmas party in our area. The food were yummy. Maam Rozelle's spaghetti is the best I've ever tasted. There were games but there were no music. It would have been fun but I guess, a lot of people from our area do not know anymore why christmas parties are held, and what is the real meaning of christmas. Yesterday was also the birthday of Sir Roger, aka "The Founder". My Apollo did not attend the party, so I guess I won't be attending the party tomorrow (the over-all christmas party of our department).

Afterwards, I asked Jack, Jessa, and Jhonna (4 J's including me...Jas) to watch a movie. We were supposed to watch Maxi but we (Jack and I) gave way to Kingkong. Brent went with us. I saw Joanna T., Ruby, and Tina P. on my way to the mall.

I've been tagged by Lica:

List seven songs that you are into. No matter what the genre, whether they have words or even if they're not any good, they must be songs that you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. Breathing by Lifehouse...obviously...hehe...
2. Only You by Sam Milby...wala lang...
3. Push the Button by Sugababes (tama ba?)...ang landi ng song eh
4. Stickwitu (?) by Pussycat dolls (?)... I have no one to dedicate it to but the tone is good.
5. Sleep With Butterflies by Tori Amos
6. This side by Nickelcreek
7. Spark by Tori Amos

I'm tagging Lhei, Pobs, Janeca, Cheenee, Yayam, Tin, and Em

My True Colors

I feel persecuted right now. See, I have the most number of night shifts in my area and I really, really hate that shift because it makes me weak, confused, and the more unproductive. I hate to waste my time. Hmm...my work is draining all of my energy.

Yes, I am grateful for my work, but sometimes, it's just unfair. And when I think things are unfair, I have the instinct to fight back by saying out loud what I feel. And I think I must have said something about the whole thing. Oh well, everyone knows that my boss does not like me at all. God will help and protect me from all of these. I'm just hoping and praying that all of my dreams, wishes, goals, and missions will come true. I hope God will protect me.

I am also sad because of remembering my past. I heard the song "True" by Spandeau Ballet over the radio and it reminded me that I am now alone, single, and pressured about my future.

I wasn't also able to talk with my crush. I'll just call him Apollo. Hehe... I know, I should just enjoy the moment. I shouldn't expect anything more.

On the bright side, UP College of Pharmacy won the 2005 Lantern Parade contest UP Manila chapter. It was helf at UP-PGH. And I am proud of my college. I am proud of my course. All-out talaga ang support ng college namin. It's about time.

I was also touched by Jimi's nice-ness. He approached me on the sidewalk (while I was watching the parade) and he asked me to join the parade. But I refused because I was wearing my "teacher's outfit" and carrying mg "doctor's bag". It would be really embarrassing. I would have joined them if I wore something white. I felt bad, of course, but I did watch the judgement at the PGH grounds.

Ethel and I also met up. We went to Kim's. She borrowed some stuff to be used in the contest in her school (UERM).

Hey, notice the difference in the colors of my blog? I'm now showing my true colors and they are pink and blue. Hehe...obviously...

Ruby joined our hospital family. Welcome Ruby. Go Block 27!!!

Just an observation. Batch 1998-2002 of UP-CP are more into their careers. Most of them are out of the country and working as pharmacists, while the rest of us here are working in different fields of pharmacy. I must say that I am proud of each and everyone of them/us.

And I miss all of them.

Some pics:

Wala lang...

CP's lantern

UP CP shirt

Unloading Someone

I spent my day-offs at home. I would have been terribly sick (there was a rumored diptheria outbreak in my workplace) but I didn't want to get sick and so I bought a month's supply of multivitamins and I got enough sleep to last for a week. I'm not sick anymore.

I know I shouldn't even write about him but I just feel the need to talk about him. No it's not about my past, it's about someone. That someone who has caught my attention the first time I saw him and who's been around for more than a year now. No he isn't courting me and there is no way that he will like me back. For me, this is just a crush. And this is just a phase that I have to go through.

I'm writing about him because I don't want to put any meaning to all the nice things he's doing for me. I know it means nothing to him. He's a complicated person and he's clearly not the guy for me. He's just around to teach me a lesson or two.

He gave me the impression that he was someone who is afraid of commitment, egoistic, and simply a jerk. But then he almost always surprised me when he talks with sense. He taught me a lot about dealing with people and dealing with life.

Basta I feel glad whenever I get a glimpse of him. Crush ko nga kase.

But starting tomorrow, kapag nakita ko na ulit siya, there's no more "malice" in my intention. Everything will be pure. I just want him to be a friend. No more, no less.

This is just a phase that I have to go through. And after this, it will just be about my career. Career first.

Keeping Quiet

Sometimes I hurt people with my words unintentionally. And I hated myself for offending people. That's why I'm keeping quiet at work. I believe that when I don't have anything good or helpful to say, I shouldn't speak at all. And here I am, violating that belief.

I miss our house but I have to stay here in the urban jungle and do some studying. Kim and I are already nervous about our exam. Basta, we will pass that exam.

Problems at work resolved. Boy, are we heartbroken? Especially him. We will all miss him. Goodluck to you, my friend.

Something good happened yesterday...it's been a long time since I feel this giddiness. It's just a crush and there's no way that he would like me back. But I really like Sam Milby. Hehe...

Heto na

Nasa sidebar ko na siya. Para sa akin, yan ang perfect song for me, right now.

The Perfect Song Found!!!

I have found the perfect song. Later ko na lang ayusin. Pero sa ngayon Sick Cycle Carousel muna. Lifehouse is the best!!!

Gifts

For the past few days I received a lot of gifts.

1. the old vendor, the umbrella and me
2. invitation to sing and attend the pharmacy-sponsored mass at our chapel
3. looking at the eyes of an insane girl. i could see the pain she was feeling and the loneliness in her eyes like she is really hopeless. i hope she goes well.
4. mom's foot being cut by a can. she's diabetic. thankfully, the doctor was able to inject her with tetanus toxoid and antitetanus serum. once again, what matters resurfaced.
5. my lola (father side) passing away. no more wounds that won't heal. no more hardened joints. no more apple juice because she couldn't eat and swallow solid food anymore. she is now with God. i will miss her but she's better there than here.
6. saying "thank you" sheepishly and foolishly to someone.
7. being an ate to my roomates, and to some special people.

Life is defintely getting better. And here are some of my wishlists. I'm appealing to God and to anyone who can help.

1. lansagin ang WTO para sa kapakanan ng mga mangingisda. i don't know what WTO means but i am concern with fishermen's sake.
2. going to Australia. Which means passing the Stage 1 APEC exam and being able to get a visa and being medically cleared.
3. travelling the world and being able to document it.
4. more true friends
5. becoming a missionary/pharmacist/volunteer of UNICEF or any similar organization that lets me travel the world...again...travelling
6. bear a child (not that I have a partner to do that and even if there is someone willing to be the father hehe...ayoko ng kung sino na lang...what I mean by this is someday okay?...defensive!!!)
7. more precious moments with my family and friends...able to bring them wherever I go

Sana matupad ang wishes ko.

180 Degree Turn

And so, another trial came into my life. And it's harder but I know that I can go through with it. God is with me.

Forgiving has been done. Moving on is next. Love shouldn't be forced on anyone. You can only woo them and try to influence their decisions. But it is still their free will. If it's meant to be, it will be. And so I'm not anymore doing anything about that area in my life.

From now on, my priorities will change. I will make it a point that God is really the first in my life. Iwill make sure that God is the greatest love of my life. It's gonna be an everyday reaffirment but I am willing to do that. I want to love Him sincerely. I want Him to be the first in my life. I've been disobedient for so long now. I want to love God. He is the first in my life. I want to be saved. I love God.

Oh I am worried of what my mom's feeling right now. Should I go home? I hope she goes well. You don't know really when complications will strike. This is another reason for me to love God and to be under his love. Thank you, God.

Blessing in disguise. In the midst of my fear and worries, people that really matters to me surfaced. Yes, from now on, my priorities will change.

I'm doing my 180-degree turn. It's about time. From now on, my priorites will change. I'm being steered into another direction. Harder but I can live with that.

Who says I won't cry anymore? I will. But this time, I'll be brave. Let's God's will be done.

Seeing in a Different Way

I am glad to tell you that I have forgiven him. Finally. And I offered him my friendship. He accepted it.

It's a miracle. I still love him but this time I have come to accept what happened. It is better this way. I realized a lot of things and one of them is about my love for him. God does not want me to forget about him. He wants me to accept Mark. And that I should never leave him. We may not end up together, but I'll still be around--as a friend.

I don't think I can ever forgive him if I rely on my strength alone because I don't have much strength. My foolish pride will always get in the way. God helps me forgive him (si Mark). With this realization, I know that I should never again stay away from God.

My December

It's December already. I am happy and hopeful. December reminds me of Christmas, of course (duh!) and of New Year, and of course, it reminds me of my birthday. My birthday is on January, a few days after the new year. For some years now, I have always forced myself to be old. I always felt like I had to be 27 or 30. But the other side of me refused to. The result is disaster. Now that my birthday is almost a month away, I realize that I am now given the chance to be young and mature. I have to stop being 21 and try not to wish to be 30. I should be 23 (turning 24). I should act like my age. And I should enjoy acting like one.

Life has a weird way of making me realize that. Oh well, I am weird so the ways of learning and unlearning things should also be weird.