Fave Song

SAME GROUND
Kitchie Nadal
My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
Wanted if until there was you.
Because i have learned that love is beyond
What human can imagine,
The more it clears
The more i have to let you go.
CHORUS:
But now i don't understand why im feeling
So bad now when i know it was my idea.
I could've just denied the truth and lied.
But why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground?
My love because i have learned that love is a
Word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I never have to if all else fail
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fail,
Would you be brave to see right through me?

Sharing Thoughts

A girl sat beside me in the FX. She wore a sleeveless blouse. The blouse is cute. Her arm was fortunatly supple. If not, then I wouldn't let her touch my already sweaty skin.
The weather is not so hot but is humid. It's like I'm constantly damp from sweat. Smell the air and you can smell the salt making you feel like you're near the beach. Which is true because I can walk from my workplace to Roxas Boulevard where Manila Bay could be found. And this kind of weather signifies May. May is the month where rainy season and summer meet. Humidity is high. It's bad for the acidic skin.
I've been reading Jessica Zafra's Twisted 7. She's really a brilliant writer. I love reading her articles.

Slippers on My Ears

Game?
Okay, he is on my mind. Our relationship is on my mind. The truth is, I still love him a lot. But it's up to him. There are many things I've done wrong. Maybe someday I won't get to regret it. Instead I might be cherishing the mistakes I've done because then I've learned something from them.

A while ago as I was walking towards the OPD section of my workplace, I heard some conversations or whatever you call it...
Old woman: Excuse po, pwede pong magtanong?
Guard at the gate: Ano po iyon?
Old woman: Saan po ang botika dito?

Botika. Pharmacy. In my workplace there are many pharmacies. They are all under one department. My department. The Pharmacy Department. I could have butt in their conversation and led her to the pharmacy she wanted to go to but I have my life. I have my story. They can manage without me. My point is nothing. I just heard the word botika that's why.
For the past few days I have stuffed myself with expensive food. Expensive but delicious. Maybe this is what they call gluttony. I just want to stuff myself but I don't enjoy it. I am rather depressed. Maybe, Mark has something to do with this.
I am thinking of my appearance also. The slippers on my ears are now in my bag. I won't be wearing that for maybe a long time. Maybe I should just try to lose weight. But then, maybe not now.
Maybe I should just try to accept the fact that I will be an old maid in the future. All men nowadays are jerks. They're weaker than women. I don't think I would get to be loved by a man with the heart just like my father. I think I am not worthy to be loved like that because I don't have the characteristic of my mother. She's strong, I am weak. I am such a disappointment for her. But I am trying to stand on my own.
I should, from this day on, write/update my personal diary. I want to write the process of destruction and construction in my life.
There are things that I could write here, but sometimes it's better if I should just keep things to myself. But that's for a while. Not until after the storm.
Don't worry, I'll still be here. Keep living!

Right on Track

Could you lend me some love?
Even for a while
For a moment
I need to breathe
I need to feel
Who am I?
Is this the right path?
Where should I go?
Will you be there for me?
Hold my hand
Guide me
For I don't know how
To walk anymore

Too Much on My Mind

This is gonna be a long entry.
First, my cousin arrived last night. She is to get married here in the Philippines in our hometown's cathedral. I'm also excited. It's been years since I last saw her. Last night I was thinking and feeling excited and I vowed to myself that when my time comes when I'll be the one to go and work abroad I would make sure that my family and all of my relatives got to have pasalubong. I hope they will also feel excited to see me.
Anyway, this morning I looked out of our house and saw their (my cousin's) house. I saw her father leading everything about the renovation of their house in time for the wedding, which is to be held this May 7. Seeing him made me think of my father on how he wouldn't be there physically on my wedding day. He wouldn't be the one to manage the renovation, the food preparation, and he wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle. Anyway, I would have my brother and my mother to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I knew he would be there in spirit. Because I know deep inside that he would be constantly guiding us. He wouldn't be able to see his apos. Oh, I miss my father so much.
Yesterday also I had a long day.
AM. I went to my work place to take the pharmacology exam but then I later found out that there was a new rule in taking the exam. There was a new sched. I had nothing to do so I went to Espana to meet Jhonna. We looked for some rooms for rent. We saw some good ones. We had lunch together and we all went to our workplace to take the exam.
PM. I took the exam. I definitely aced it! After that I went to see Kuya Ronald and asked him about some documents. I got to see the pics of his newborn baby. Could I say that I fell in love with his daughter. I volunteered to be her ninang. I would call her Zoe.
Night. I chatted on line with Mark. I missed him so much. Then I had dinner. I went to Quezon Avenue from SM Centerpoint. After that, I took an FX to Buendia, Taft. Then I took the bus to my hometown. After arriving in my hometown, I took a pedicab just to get home. Whew!
It was such a long day but it made me think of a lot of things. From my friend Kim to my observations of the whole Metro Manila. And now...

METRO MANILA THROUGH THE EYES OF A PROBINSYANA.

I have roamed the many streets of Metro Manila. In my six years of constant stay, it has been a big part of my mistakes and triumphs. I feel like I have different relationships with every area in this urban jungle.
Caloocan. A place where I seldom go. It was a stranger to me. I have no intention (yet) of knowing it. It's the "black sheep" of Metro Manila. That's how I see it.
Pasig. Still a stranger. But I would not mind knowing more of it. Maybe someday.
San Juan. Home of Greenhills and cheap cellphones. I was invited to go there but I declined.
Makati. Sophisticated. Office work. I could have been working there but I always got to have other options. Maybe I'll live there someday, who knows. Makati is progressive. It imposed discipline in me. It made me want to fit in with society. It had kept me alert. It was my challenger.
Marikina. Caring. Clean. Healthy. But it made me feel tired all the time. It was far from work. No water. Flooded when it was storming. But still, most of the tiring days had made me stronger. I learned more lessons on how to be independent. I learned how not to be materialistic. I learned how to be thankful to every blessings, big and small.
Quezon City. A constant stranger. A friend I would want to make as my best but I still couldn't get there and probably would not be able to. Showbiz and politics. The place I hate but secretly love. I always feel good travelling and passing through this area. The elite of the metro. I don't know why I see it that way. Ironically, this is where Mark grew up. I guess that's why I feel like I can't get enough of it.
Mandaluyong. I also like this place. I guess it's because of Euro-Med. Euro-Med has been so close to my heart. That place was old and scary. But I was attached to that place. Also, this is where Mega Mall is located. Mega Mall is my constant companion whenever I was scared, angry, sad, broke, rich.
Last but definitely not the least it Manila. I like Manila. It's my home in the metro. It isn't as sophisticated but it's the leader. This is where Malacanang, and all the other departments are located. People are worse. They tend to forget their morals but the whole of Manila forced me to be strong. To bear the pain. To never give up. The streets will always be flooded. Traffic will be heavy and slow. But I have to stay for a while.

Signs

A guy is cheating when:

• He seldom sends you text messages and if he does, it's all about having to take a rest so he would have to sleep already.
• He seldom visits you.
• He is generally cold.
• He always has an excuse.

These are just some of the signs I have observed from a friend who is currently cheating his girl.

Benedict XVI

"Everything falls apart without truth."
That's the principle of the new pope. I hope he will remain principled when it comes to Catholic faith and doctrines. However, I just hope that he won't excommunicate people. Instead, I hope that through him there will be more people converted to Catholicism.
Hehe...I was stupid kanina kase I went to PRC to translate a document but then I later found out as I was talking to the guy from the information desk that the document has an English translation already. Buti na lang he didn't know.
Updates pa...My ego is badly bruised. I'm still nursing it. I just hope I will be inspired at work. Wala eh...nawalan ako ng gana sa company ko. Ito ang masama sa akin eh, when I get turned off to something, I lose my interest. But I have to work and stay. Hmmm...Hmmm...I just hope I will be as positive as the others.
Hey, friendster has blogs already. Let's see what's gonna happen.

Series of Misadventures

Life has a way of dragging you to the center just to beat you up. After that you can either cry your heart there and then, or crawl yourself away to the side and mope silently.
Comedy or tragedy. You choose.
I am not self-centered. But maybe I am stupid most of the time and chicken-hearted when courage is being called for.
Remember that 16-hour duty? I thought I was able to go through with it wiothout committing any mistake. I was wrong. Thing is I processed the wrong fund (P5000 instead of P500) for some donor prescriptions and so I had to pay for that with my buddy that time.
Last night, I was not able to sleep in my boarding house because the land lady and her husband was gone and my room mates were selfish enough not to open the door for me. I really pitied myself last night because I had to go back to my work place and spent the night there. It's really hard to try to be independent. Pero t*ng ina nila! Makakarma din sila!
***It's raining...the weather suits my mood.

disappointment

Anong gagawin mo kung may makita ka isang gabi, pag-uwi mo na may binatang nagmamadaling maglakad at biglang lumiko papunta sa may kahuyan. Nagtago. At biglang may sumunod na mga matatanda, babae, lalaki, at isa pang binata. Bigla kang tatanungin kung may nakita kang lalaking dumaan. Kung dumiretso ba? Alam na alam mo kung saan nagpunta ang lalaki pero ang naisagot mo lang ay ,"Hindi ko alam..."
Naiinis ako sa sarili ko.

Pagkamulat

A lot of things happened these past few days. I was able to attend a talk by one of the Kerygma writer, thus he was always with Bo Sanchez, one of the persons I looked up to when it comes to faith. he talked about gender differences.
Men want control.
Women want intimacy.
Men want to be appreciated.
Women want to be cherished.
Yan ang natutunan ko sa kanya. That men and women are different. And we should not try to be like the other but rather we should try to understand each other.
*****
Aaminin ko dito na medyo masama ako at walang awa. Hindi ako naaawa sa mga pasyenteng bumibili sa area namin. Madalas napapahirapan ko pa nga sila kahit di ko naman kagustuhan dahil lamang sa sumusunod ako sa patakaran ng hospital.
Ilang buwan na rin naman akong nagtatrabaho sa hospital na iyon pero nang gabing iyon, namulat ako. Ako ang nasa processing area, meaning ako ang nagsasala kung karapat-dapat nga bang pagbilhan ang reseta...may pirma ba ng doctor, tama ba ang generic sa brand name, available ba ang stock sa amin. Ako rin ang bahala sa pagkwenta ng gamot at sa akin din binabayaran ang bibilhin nila. Dati ko pa ginagawa iyon. Pero nang gabing iyon, may isang masayahing bantay ng pasyenteng lumapit sa akin para bumili ng gamot. Masaya ang tono ng boses niya pero alam kong pilit iyon. Tila nagpapanggap. Pilit tinatakpan ang pangamba niya para sa sarili at para sa mahalniya sa buhay na may sakit. Pinabili ko muna siya sa labas ng mga gamit na hindi available sa amin. Pagbalik niya, kulang na ang pera niya. Nakita ko kung paano siya namroblema kung saan pa kukuha ng pera para pambili ng gamot. Hindi niya tuloy alam kung anong uunahin niyang bilhin. Sabi ko sa kanya, itanong na lang muna niya sa doktor nila kung ano ang mahalaga. At ganun nga ang ginawa niya.
Nang gabing iyon, di lang siya ang may ganoong kaso, marami sila. At ako ang kaawa-awang nakakita sa kanilang kalagyan.
Wala na nga silang pera, nagkasakit pa ang mahal nila sa buhay. Bibili na nga lang ng gamot, pababalik-balikin pa sa amin at sa doktor nila.
Mahirap maging mahirap. Mahirap magkasakit. Lalong mahirap magkasakit kapag ikaw ay mahirap.
PGMA, ano ng gagawin mo? Uunahin mo pa ba ang resort mo sa Boracay? O bibigyan mo ng pansin ang mga kababayan mo. Makapangyarihan ka. Kayang-kaya mong tulungan ang mga nangangailangan. Kaya ka nga nasa ganyang posisyon ngayon. Sana mamulat ka na rin kagaya ko.

Hirit

Hirit No. 1
Lunch time at Puerto del Sol...
Zy: Musta na siya? (referring for the girl he likes)
Me: Ikaw dapat may alam niyan kase lagi mo siyang sinusundan
Zy: Di ko nga makausap eh, parang ang hirap niyang kausapin...
Me: (wala akong masabi)
Zy: Ay pero di siya balbon...yun lang ang masasabi ko...
Me: Gusto mo ng balbon?
Zy: Oo, bakit?
Me: Bili ka ng aso!
Hek! Hek! Hek!

Hirit No. 2

During our shift together, him at the processing area, me at the issuance area, both of us were in the counter...
Ted: Yun naman ang sinasabi ko...(referring to the pretty girls passing by)
Me: Asan?
Ted: Yung nakapink...wala na di mo na nakita, dumaan na.
Me: Akala ko yung nakawhite...maganda ang katawan...sexy!
Ted: Sus, pangit naman yun eh!
Me: Maganda naman ang katawan
Ted: Pangit naman!
Me: Okay lang yun, pag pinatay mo na ang ilaw di mo na alam na pangit siya...
Ted: Oo nga naman...
Hek! Hek! Hek!

Nagbu-busy-busy-hang Jassy

I just had my 16-hour duty. I was totally stressed. My nose gave in and so I had to deal with massive amount of blood oozing from my nose--gross right? Well, I have been dealing with nose bleeding (epistaxis?) for years. My first nose-bleed was when I was still 5, days before I was diagnosed to have dengue fever. From then on, whenever I am stressed or the enviroment has very high temperature that it seeps into my veins and arteries, my nose would surely bleed.
I have been busy with work and with other stuff, outside work but still concerns my future. I am still sleepy but I want to go out and do something productive like going to PRC to inquire something about translation but I found out that PRC already imposed the four-day work system and so I have to go back this Monday. Daming oras na masasayang.
I hate the government. Ang uso nga dapat, 24 hours na lahat ng agency eh para tuloy-tuloy at nakakasabay tayo sa ibang bansa. May pag-asenso, pero ayan, at apat na araw na lang ang araw na magtatrabaho ang kawani ng gobyerno kaya ang daming mapaparalisa.
I love the philippines but I hate the government.

Pangasinan

Highlights of my trip:
Bus left at 11Pm. People started to bring out their alcoholic drinks. They went sober and were so noisy, the rest of us could not sleep anymore.
By the time the noise died down, we hit the zigzag road. It felt like the bus would overturn and that kept me awake most of the time.
We arrived in Baguio at 5:30AM the next day. We had breakfast at Baguio Palace Hotel.
We went to Burnham's Park.
Me and my companions decided to go to Mine's View Park. We decided to rent the FX we were riding. The fare was expensive but since we were tourist, I had tolerated it.
We went to Good Shepherd Convent to buy Ube Jam but the store was still closed.
We went to Grotto. I walked up the stairs. Tiring but okay.
We went to the market palce but I was too tired and sleepy to go with them. I stayed in our rented vehicle.
We stopped by some session store or whatever.
We went back to Burnham Park because the bus would leave then for Bolinao, Pangasinan.
On the way to Pangasinan, I kept myself awake until we have reached La Union. Reason was sentimental. It took another 5-6 hours before we finally arrived at the resort. The resort was Puerto del Sol at Bolinao, Pangasinan. The place was heavenly. I'll show you pictures some other time. We ate lunch. We rest for a while. There was no signal for Globe and we were forced to buy Smart SIM.
The beach is a wonder for me. Ang haba kase ng area kung saan hanggang alak-alakan lang ang level ng tubig. That area was whitish in color and obvious na yung malalim ay kulay dark blue. Ang galing! Ang galing din kase wala na akong makitang bundok malapit sa beach na iyon. Naisip ko tuloy na baka start na iyon ng kung anong ocean. Di ba ang galing, nakapunta ako sa start ng ocean na iyon.
I went for a swim sa pool nga lang since mababaw nga ang tubig sa dagat. That night, there was a band playing. Ang galing! I liked the music they played. Sulit ang stay ko dun! We also had some games. We also danced. I drank tequila pero konti lang. Kakaiba kase ang tyan ko.
Meaningful ang stay ko dun kase marami akong napag-isip. Someday babalik ulit ako dun sa dulong resort sa dulong town ng Pangasinan na malapit sa dagat.
Pics:
Puerto del Sol
Bolinao

Pope

I finally decided and was actually excited to go to Baguio/Pangasinan when I heard from the FX's radio I was riding that it was Pope's burial day. There was an event in Luneta in connection with Pope's burial so I decided to go there instead of watching some movies in the mall.
I saw some important people. But I also saw some Muslim leaders in Luneta. It made me admire the Pope (more). That only showed that a lot of people are respecting him.
I got sad because it made me remember my father. He already passed away. Then I also remembered FPJ, he already died. Now the Pope's gone. I feel like I have no father anymore. It made me really sad. Pero I should be happy for them because they're already with God. And that I won't have to see my Dad struggling like most old men do.
Issues were brought up in the speeches of important Catholic people. They were trying to recall what are Pope's messages and how the World Youth Day and World Family Day went. I was more concerned with the issues.
People who participated in Luneta
Issues like abortion and artificial contraception. Also, there were issues like euthanasia, genocide, and death penalty. Actually, I'm against abortion and artificial contraception. Pills could actually hurt women. It could cause cancer and it could greatly affect the heart. I liked how the priest put it--God always forgives. People sometimes forgive. But nature never forgives. He is right. Look what happened to Quezon. People denuded the forest. Then typhoon came and most of their people were taken.
I also found out that the Pope was a Marian Pope. He believes that rosary (being his favorite prayer) is the prayer for peace. True for me, look at EDSA I. People prayed the rosary, and the result was peaceful revolution. I have to admit that I have long abandoned my rosary. I decided to go back to praying the rosary every night. This is really not for me, but it is for this world, especially the Philippines.
View of Rob Place Ermita (the two towers) from Luneta...I love Manila but not the people

I'm Back

It's been a while. I miss reading your blogs and I miss writing here. I have been busy. More stories to come!

Too Many

Guess what! I'm here in Glorietta, trying to keep myself awake while waiting for my friends Shirley and Labsie. A lot of things happened today.
I was surprised at myself because I was able to bond with the people I was hating last night. Read my previous post to know why. They were actually nice. Oh well, we have our misgivings.
However, one of them put me in trouble with the refund. Things is, I think I would have to pay for those items refunded if the auditor would not allow that transaction. I better be in control next time. Be a bitch if I have to. Problem with me is that I'm so honest. But I am not that convinced to compromise my values. But I admit it was my fault. Good thing though is that it was cheap and a lot of people did help me. Thanks, Ma'am L.
I'm also thinking if I should join the outing tomorrow in Pangasinan. I haven't been there (been there, dumaan lang). We will also drop by Baguio. But I don't feel like bonding with them. I am brooding.
Another good thing is that I was able to get my deposit in my former boarding house. Thankfully, those two caretakers were concerned of me. Their meanness to me before is already forgiven.
Maybe tomorrow, I would change my mind. Maybe...

Challenge

Don't you just hate it when someone is deliberately pissing you off just because you're doing your job? What's with them people? All I could think of on why they're like that is because they are green-eyed monster disguised as a fat girl whose maturity is inversely proportional with age. As much as possible I try not hating anyone. But I guess my patience has to be tested. Wish me luck.

Freshmen

I'm happy becauseI've accomplished some things today.
I went to the University Registrar to ask for some documents. It's April already and a lot of freshmen (or wannabe freshmen of my alma mater) were going to the registrar to ask for some instructions or processes.
I remembered me when I was one of them. That was like 6 years ago. I was with my mother. At first, I did not want to go to UP because I was afraid of the people. I would rather be in Ateneo or La Salle even if their tuition fees were way,way high compared to UP. I was afraid because I thought that all UP people were mean and nasty. I thought I would never fit in. Actually, that was what I was most worried about and not about the grades. I thought then that my course was easy and I would graduate earlier than 4 years. I was very ambitious then. I became even more afraid when I met my batchmates and blockmates during the orientation. I thought I would never really fit in. I couldn't see myself being friends with those people.
As days went by, I have met all of my blockmates. I began to have friends. I was still very much struggling surviving here in Manila. I was from Batangas. Probinsyana talaga ako. It was my first time na mag-boarding house. I did the laundry and ironing of clothes. I learned how to budget my money. I was blessed because I had kind and helpful roommates. I began to feel happy.
However, I think I had a culture shock with college. It was hard pala to pass the subjects. I had to either study (and understand) or else I would fail. Pharmacy was hard pala. I wanted to quit but I didn't. I survived my first semester without failing any subjects.
My college friends...I miss these girls! I was the one wearing a pink blouse.
Second semester was different. Life started to show its harshness. I started fooling around. I started to cut class. To not study at all. I had my reasons but I now know that I could have gotten better grades if I just study just like the rest of them (the regulars).
Anyway, it was such a long story if I would narrate every years I've spent in college. But here are some of the things I've learned in UP on how to pass your subjects:
There is no reason to fail if you would just study
Memorizing is not enough, you have to understand what you're studying
Love and be interested in what you're studying.
Cry if you want to but still, study what you have to study
Be positive, never allow thoughts like you're going to fail or you're not good enough because the truth is you're good...you're not only good but you're one of the best.
Pray. It really helps.
Study.
UP taught me a lot of things. It showed me the sad realities in life while instilling idealism. I guess, that's why all UP people (Isko at Iska) are somehow activists whether they admit it or not. I think it's good. It makes me appreciate my country more. It makes me love this country more.
I love the Philippines but I just have to try my luck in other countries. Hehe...Pero Pinoy pa rin ako!
Para sa lahat ng freshmen...goodluck! Wag kayong matakot. At galingan ninyo. Mag-aral ng mabuti.

Pictures

I may not be able to blog for a while because I'm officially broke until the next payday. But if a miracle would happen, then maybe I'll be around to read your blogs. I'll be leaving you with pictures!
Ang cute na cute na si Kuya Yuan, anak ni Erwin at Cecille.
Writing letter for Mark
My younger sister
Me in our store
Me and Mark

Sad News

Pope John Paul II died already. At least he's with God now. I hope the next pope will be as effective as Pope John Paul II. I shouldn't worry about that because God will be constantly guiding whoever becomes the next pope.
Let's pray for the soul of Pope John Paul II.

Marriage

For the last few weeks, marriage has always been on my mind. This is because I do want to get married already but I know I still cannot take the responsibilities and I'm not ready yet. For the last few weeks, the disadvantages and advantages have been shown to me by the media and by my relatives. There were moments that I almost completely got scared of marriage and men. The rampant annulment, legal separation, and divorce all over the world prove that there is something wrong with how the world views marriage. And just when I was about to swear off marriage, I received a news from my dear friend. He told me he secretly got married. I was shocked. He told me that he would give me an invitation card for his wedding but I didn't receive any, of course it was secret marriage, so that was impossible. Medyo nainggit ako kase ako di ko kayang gawin iyong ginawa nila. Pero sa situation nila, it's about time that they do get married. Iyon nga lang, magkaiba sila ng religion ng babae kaya siguro nagpakasal na sila sa civil.
Their secret marriage made me hope that someday I'd get to marry the guy I love and that he will love me too. That I will get to be treated with care, love , and respect.

Being a Woman...a Tragedy

Last, last night was not my story. It was not the story of Full House or Save the Last for Me either. It was the story of a mother and wife who has served her family for 40 years. It was the story of how she stayed to be a martyr while her husband was constantly beating her up whenever he wanted to and whenever he did something stupid like hooking up with prostitutes and aborting some babies because he got some girls pregnant (not by will but by force). She was the model we (the younger generation) would not want to be. She was our example of what not to become as a wife. Nobody wants to be beaten or betrayed. This woman had gone through a lot. With her health problems, financial and family problems, yes she is strong. I admired her strength. She's strong because she is able to survive. But this woman was not happy.
And last, last night, she finally said enough. She fought back and left her husband. I hope this time she is really free. I hope this time she will feel happy. I hope she will start to love herself. I hope she does win herself back. It's not yet too late.

My prayer for every woman:

to be able to give life to someone
to be respected at all times
to be taken care of
to never to be beaten and maltreated and harrassed
to never ever be a victim
to be appreciated
to be loved
to be happy