The Pier

Looking beyond I see you
And wondered what's out there?
The oils.
The ships.
The cargo.
The water.
The sirens.

Don't you know that I am ready?
Ready for the drama.
Ready to act my part.
Right there where bittersweet is the right term.
Poverty mixed with tears.
Victory and trials.
In all its glory,
Hope is definitely caught.

***

The best use of life is love.

This is what I have read in one of the chapters of the Purpose-Driven Life. At first, I never really thought about this because at the time that I have read that section, I don't have any problems with my relationships with the people around me.

And then he came along. And my world was turned upside down.

He is not what I want. But as days go by, he is showing himself as the guy that I need.

It's a good thing that I've read that section of the book. The best use of life is love. And that makes perfect sense.

***

And tomorrow...

Antipolo Here I Come!!!

Busy Knowledge

After the door to knowlege has been opened in my mind, I have a curious mind. And I want to thank my father for supplying me with answers. My father and I are not geniuses. We are both average. But he is wise enough to buy us the My Bible Friends set of books and that Multiplex set. And I am wise enough to appreciate them. My Bible Friends help me to read and get closer to God. And those Muliplex tapes open my mind to music. So I guess, parents should give their offsprings with resources to hone their skills. It's just my suggestion. And I bet it will work wonders.

Other suggestions:

• Praise or give compliments to the achievements of your offspring.
• Supply them with proper nutrition. Healthy body and healty mind.

Busy. I've been busy for the past two days because of errands. Last Monday, I have my blood checked for hepatitis B and fortunately I'm still negative but I have to be vaccinated so I can have my protection especially since I'm working at the hospital. So last night, I asked my nursing student friend to give me a shot. Intramuscular. And it was heavy so my arm still hurts as of today.

Because of what happened, I realize this: That they may hate me for my looks and me being silent but I am one resourceful person. Charmless but resourcefdul...how do I do that--I don't know. It's just a matter of accept what I can't change, move on, and change what I can. Pride is being eliminated. How is my vaccination connected to my resourcefulness...well, instead of going to the clinic to have my shot, I asked my friend instead to do it for me. Less expensive.

At work, my superiors do not like me. God, help me.

But everyone else (not really but most of them...) can give me a smile. And I give them a smile in return.

I also went home and I brought Mon with me. Together, we went to his friends to help out. Kuya Joel was shot by some hired men at his house in Sto. Toribio. I went there with Mon riding a jeepney. It was fun. I miss the long travel riding in a jeepney. The dust and the wind. The smell of nature in all its glory and gory.

After that, we rode with Ate Beth and Kuya Jessie and on our way to the city proper, their car stopped because of overheat. Coincidentally, it stopped in front of a halo-halo store in our street. And so while waiting for the car's temp to go down, we tried to make our body temperature go down by eating hal-halo. The halo-halo was yummy.

We passed by LCC and we saw the poster there of my cousin/niece Kristel. I'm proud of her.

Then we went back to our store and got our things and we went home. My brother, Mon, and I watched Just Friends. It was a funny movie.

That night, I finished watching Tristan and Isolde. It was a very good movie. Different from the usual. I say, it's tragic but beautiful anyway.

The next morning, I had to prepare going back in Manila. Together with Mon, we rode the bus. I slept in the bus because I lacked sleep from finishing Tristan and Isolde. Then Mon and I got to talk...about my fickle-mindedness.

He said that the people we encounter don't know where to go or pass by because they are confused where to pass. And that's my fault because I tend to "swerve". He thought it was the people who pass by in front of us that have a problem, but that happens all the time and so he concludes that it is my fault. Ouch! But true!

Sunset

I had a long but fun-filled Saturday with Mon. With my beat-up shoes, I took in all the moments I could. For everyday is a learning experience.

I am not a morning person but sometimes when I'm excited over something and I want to get it done with, I could push myself up early in the morning. I met with him, had breakfast and we went to the mall. I don't know why but I was just happy that day. Maybe, it was because I was able to buy my very own extension cord. The signs of independence slowly taking place. Hehe... And it made me look forward to other things.

I also got to read the blog of my friend in college Joan. She gave birth to a baby girl. Her story made me laugh. Joan is still a fun girl and I adore her because she looks at the world comically. Pati panganganak niya full of bloopers. She's in Japan kase and she doesn't know how to speak Japanese/Nihonggo fluently. And so her husband served as her translator. For the full story read here.

And that made me think of how to look at life. Take Orange County for example. There was the movie and the tv series. The movie was the comic way of looking at it and the series is the tragic way. Which one do you like best? I'd choose the movie.

Anyway, I had a fun time with Mon the whole day. It was my first time to be at Manila Bay Baywalk with someone special and it was my first time to really watch the sunset. Yes, it was beautiful. I used to think that the world rotates slowly, but looking at the sunset, I can say that the world moves fast. That time is really fast.

After the sun has set and after looking and watching people getting there together for a picnic and for some good live music, we went to the mall. I enjoyed the dinner. And then on our way out, I saw books on sale. I bought some and that made my day. And though I still never got to read them, it is always nice to buy books.

Moving on to the next day...yesterday I have really proven that I cannot keep my mouth shut when I feel strongly about something. As much as possible I will tell the world why and what I'm feeling and thinking about it.

I am so looking forward to moving on.

Music

I used to believe that I have my home music and my borrowed music. I tried to list my home music and my borrowed music. But after some time, I've realized that the music I'm listening to is just categorized as one--home music. There is no borrowed music. Because songs that you can relate to are your home music.

Anyway, I've said goodbye to summer and beaches. Why? Because I'm always busy running errands and worrying about the people I love. But I'm not blaming them...this is my choice. And I'm quite happy despite my situation.

I have a new favorite tv series--Grey's Anatomy. It is my frustration to be a doctor. But my family could not afford it. Anyway, the world is sometimes kind enough to give me what I want and so series like Grey's Anatomy is created.

I am not used to being idle. My body will always look for something to do--TOXIC is the constant state of my life. And I love it.

Something Different

I have polished a very rough edge in my character and I am continuing on polishing it. And now, I am ready to start on the other rough edges of my character.

Everyday is a reflection day for me and last night while deleting some messages on my phone I found this:

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you
don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're
always in the same place. Take risks for life goes on.

Which makes me think of one truth. That how can you make a difference if you won't do something different. And so last night I listed down the things that I never really do. I came up with lots and I think most of them I can really do right now. And I've set my mind on doing one thing regularly. That is to SMILE.

I asked myself why I am never fond of smiling. My serious suplada look always put me in trouble. It stripped me off opportuinities. I want to smile a lot but when I find no reason to smile or when I'm not in the mood, I don't smile.

I know now why. When I was a kid, the camera loves me. And the mirror loves me. And I have observed that when I smile I don't look as beautiful as when I'm not smiling. So whenever someone would take a shot of me, I saw to it that I wouldn't smile. I guess, this thought stayed with me until now.

I practiced smiling last night and I can say that I look uglier when I smile. But the camera is different from the human eyes. And so I will really, really try to smile more.

***

My cousin Jeng gave birth to a cute baby girl last night. My Mom and I were there with her family. Watching and observing how a woman becomes a mother is a great learning experience.

I have observed how painful laboring is. And I have seen the logic with all the prescriptions given to the father to be bought. I now have a clearer view of what Nubain, Methergin, and Oxytocin are used for.

I have seen the beauty of giving birth and witnessing the arrival of a new life.

Do I want to be a mother? Yes. Someday.

And I found out last night one trivia about me. I was supposed to be delivered out of my mother's womb on the 15th of the month but my Mother gave birth to me 10 days earlier. I always thought that I came out late. But the truth is, I came out early. Maybe that's why things aren't yet happening to me. But it will come. That's why I am making way for all the best things to come. I am making way.

Good Friday and My Customers

As I've written in my previous entry, I've spent my Good Friday working. But it was a very interesting day. Why? Because I became a priest that night.

I had two customers. The first one was with her boyfriend. They approached me and asked me about the morning after pills because while doing the deed, the condom exploded. I'm sorry but that was the term she used. And the other one, obviously embarrassed, asked me what to do because he had done it wioth some girl with no condom on and he was experiencing pain in his organ and he was having a discharge.

Eating meat on Good Friday. That's bad. Maybe, they weren't Catholics.

Lessons learned:

1. For guys who doesn't want commitment or who doesn't want to catch any kinds of disease when doing it, wear condom.
2. It's not enough to wear condom, replace it regularly.

Holy Week and More

Another Holy Week has passed and for the second time I spent it at work. No mass attended. It sucked and it really hurt my soul but then again God has a way of making me feel His presence.

On Good Friday I was walking so fast just so i wouldn't miss the start of a mass at my workplace chapel but to my disappointment, there was no mass. Coincidentally, on my way there, I passed by the Aglipayan Church in front of my workplace. And since there was no mass or program in our chapel, I decided to go to that Aglipayan church and listen to the Seven Last Words Reflections.

Their church was okay. Spacious. And "hi-tech" with the projector and lap top. The movie Passion of the Christ was being shown to point out the Seven Last Words spoken by Jesus. Their presentation was good although I never got to finish it because I had to work.

Anyway, I got to have my reflection on how to deal with life. See, I was having some bad time at work because I was not a candidate for regularization. I still am a contractual worker. It hurts to think that my colleagues are going to be permanent in my workplace except for me. But everything happens for a reason. And I know for a fact that I have done well with work. I have given my best. But still, my superiors do not appreciate it. It makes me reflect. And with the help of books, friends' advice, the Seven Last Words, love for my family and friends, it's sensible to forgive those who have hurt me. To forgive my superiors for failing to give me what I deserve. I deserve more. But anyway, when we cannot change a thing, we should try to accept it and move on. Forgiveness. That I am finding in my heart. Moving on. I've changed my outlook. Now, it does not matter if I will get a VS or whatever, as long as I receive one "thank you" from my customers then I can say that I have done my job well--that I have done my best. And the more thank yous, the more it will make me happy. I don't care anymore about the performance rating because I have proven that it is not accurate and it is not true. The more thank yous, the better.

I am also reading the Mars and Venus on dating. The book points out a lot of things but I don't care because it is not true for me. There are other things on my mind right now. I don't want to think about my love life for now.

It's Easter Sunday and I am happy. Happy that Jesus resurrected for the fulfillment of everything He ever promised us. We are saved.

I just hope I will be in heaven someday.

Summer and College

Yesterday, on my way to finding a decent restroom, I stopped by the College of Arts and Sciences in UP Manila. And it brought back memories. Memories of spending some years there. I miss college and spending my summer there.

Back in college, my summers were spent either knowing the result of some chemical reactions and identifying some chemicals with the color/odor of the results. Or knowing the anatomy of the frogs and spending time walking the mangrove of Puerto Galera, careful not to be bitten by snakes and sucked by leeches. Or relearning statistics. I used to complain about the lack of time to do what I really want then, but now...I just miss doing all that. Being in Manila on summer is always bittersweet.

Weights

Trials and crosses are the weights that give us direction. They give us a mission, they cut the way to show our paths.

I've been facing trials since the beginning of the year and they are becoming heavier and heavier. It's like everything that happens is the practical exam of what I know about the purpose of life. And with all the predicaments I'm in, here are the lessons I've gained:

1. Keep your feet planted on the ground.
2. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, what matters is how well or pure or sincere or good our intentions and actions are. The heart and mind matters. Not the richness of this world but the richness of heaven.
3. As I grow spiritually, I'm finding out that not everything I've wanted will be given to me. And that the purpose that God lets me serve is sometimes totally against my dreams/wants.
4. It is always advisable to be equipped with God's Word. So going to the mass every Sunday is a must, and if you go to the mass everyday and listen to the Homily, then you're spirit will be healthy. This I still have to do.
5. What's the point of money if the soul is rotten?
6. Despite my trials, I'm still blessed with so many graces. And I can still feel God's love. Very much. And I guess, God is giving me the gift of understanding but I'm not really taking it well.
7. Love is the least of my problems now. It is rather a weapon against the madness of this world.
8. Trials are good because they will give you reason to be happy and thankful for the bright roads ahead.

Enough of that, ever heard of the Gospel of Judas (Iscariot)? Well, according to that Gospel, Jesus commanded Judas to betray him. I don't really believe that because if Judas only followed Jesus' order, then Judas wouldn't have committed suicide. But because of guilt, that comes from within him, he killed himself for betraying Jesus.

Answering Calls

Now everyone is excited for the outing except for me. I want to join them but then things have to happen to stop me. Whatever the reason for this is, it better be good.

A few days ago, someone from my past called me again. That time my present was there. He answered the call. And the rest, well...it could have been painful. But I just told myself that if the past is worth it, the past would still be my present. But that's not the case anymore.

Yesterday, I had a fun time with my present. My heart was moved with love. The future is unclear for us but I am enjoying the time I'm spending with him.

Last night at work, I couldn't shake off that feeling of being out of place. There are already lots of new employees in our area and I feel like I don't belong there anymore. Or maybe I'm just distancing myself from them because anytime now, I will transfer to another area. And I have to move on now because they sure will move on without me. It made me think what have I done to the people in that area. Have I been good? I don't want to hope that they would somehow miss me. And so I'm putting these wall around me so it won't hurt that much.

I'm afraid. I'm unsure of what will happen. But I'm taking on the challenge.

Unbelieving

It's my first time to cry in front of my boss yesterday. She was asking for my explanation on why I cancelled my commitment in joining the outing. I told her my reason but she wouldn't believe me. I have been broke for some time now and I have to really cut on some expenses. I hate it when I'm feeling so low and I'm telling the truth and instead of listening and trying to understand my situation, someone wouldn't believe me. I cried out of frustration and anger. I was telling her the truth. And she did try to help me but she made sure that I pay for it. She gave me a very ugly sched--5 working days, one off then 5 working days. Plus, I will be working on Holy Week.

And after the trouble I've been through yesterday, I receive my salary a day earlier--earlier than what I've been expecting.

This just shows that I'm not meant to join them in the outing. And that my boss really loves to hate me. And after thinking about it, it's really hard to give my trust to someone who doesn't beieve in me.

But it's okay. I know that there is a reason why these things happened. And despite the words and actions she gave me, I still feel happy. I still know my blessings. I can still feel God's love.

Next month I might be assigned in a different area. It's about time. I'm expecting it to be better.

Nth Chapter

There are moments when you have to accept something you cannot change. The rule is if you want free rides, follow the rules of the driver or anyone in command.

The lifevest I have is only one. I can only save someone if he won't drag me down. How can I help someone if I'll let him pull me down. I didn't say I'm up there. But I'm trying to live this life with a purpose, trying to realize my mission. Living without a mission is lonely. I don't want to be always lonely.

Last night I couldn't help but cry on my way home. God, I felt so helpless. I couldn't do anything to pursuade someone I want to show how beautiful life is.

I am not strong. I can only ask for strength from above. And so I realized what I should be doing in the first place. This is something out of my control. And I cannot help someone if that someone is not willing to help himself.

Head should rule the heart. I'm leaving it all up to God.

But here's something I can do. Pray and lend a helping hand. Lend a shoulder to cry on. And my harsh tongue for reality check.

Plus, I've been thinking about my career. Rest is over. I need to do something again about my career. I have to upgrade cv's.

I'm still young with small wings. I need this experience and this time to learn the lessons in flying. I have my wings. I can fly but not that high. And when that time comes when I can fly my highest. I know the people to thank for. And I promise myself that I will never ever forget them.

Speaking of, out of curiosity, I looked at my "past" profile. He had a pic where he wore a tuxedo. Sorry, but no matter how luxurious he dressed, he still looked ugly inside and out for me. I'm not angry. I am not bitter. It's just a reality that hit me. There is nothing I should regret about the past. Everything that happened is for the best. And though I can't say that I have found the one and I am in no way sure that I would find him. I can say that I am happier now than before.

Sky Blade

Life is constantly changing. And I find myself getting the hang of a situation I never thought I could deal with. Does it mean I'm really maturing?

To admit once weakness and accept it is really an achievement.

Last night I watched Raymond's basketball game. Mark Herras was there. A lot of people watched the game but left when MH left. Anyway, I've finally seen how Raymond play.

He is good. Although I can really sense that he should change now, he really enjoys playing. He is passionate about basketball. And so I am willing to support him. As long as he's happy then it's good.

I have a new way of looking at things now. Although when you're hurt it still is painful. But my reaction and my view is different now. I am amazed sometimes.

Live and let live. I'm leaving it all to God.