The day before...

I can feel it inside. I am slowly becoming ready to be someone I want to be. Everything I've worked hard for will finally be worth it.

Happiness...but first...

Today I spent time with myself. It's been months since I last rode in the MRT. Today I went inside the same old MRT. My first stop is GateWay Mall. I'vealways wanted to go there, see what's inside but I never got to do that because I am always busy with work. The place is okay but I don't know. It's still a mall. But the restaurants, I think, are great. Pang-gimmick-an talaga. Went inside Fully Booked. Hay, I wanted to buy notebooks, books, magazines! Went inside Trod...I want shoes! I want shoes! I want shoes!

Then I went to SM Mega Mall. Taong MegaMall ako before. Because my workplace is near the mall. I miss it. I stopped by the Art Center. As always, I appreciate the painting/exhibit. This week Makati Arts Guild is exhibiting their works. Nice.

I would have gone to Glorietta, but I'm already tired so I guess, I would have to go back to my rented space and just read a book.

I am happy. I really can feel that I am slowly realizing/discovering what I want to do with my life. And it has something to do with a lot of things. I'm still making up my mind. Everything will make sense at last.

I realized that there are lots of showrooms along EDSA Ortigas-Santolan. Ford, Hyundai, PGA Cars are there. How I wish I were that rich so I can go in all the showrooms and actually buy cars. I love cars.

I'm broke but at least I am happy.

Stepping into adulthood...

Stop acting like a child...you're not a child anymore...

Two people said that to me. Still bombarded from last two days and not able to vent it out, I know I'd explode the next time I heard someone say that to me.

I know I am not a child anymore. I'm obviously working and trying hard to be independent. But I guess there are people (I can think of one) who would do anything just to put me down. Well, they can take away my "future", but I am someone who take with me the lessons learned. It will only make me stronger.

I go outside. Watch people as we pass each other on our journeys. I try to see if I am really not worth it. I look in their eyes. And so far, so good. They've been kind. I can see that for them I'm not just a nuisance. That I am an equal worthy of their respect. That I can be their friend. That they can depend on me.

When I can rest in the fact that I can't please everybody, it's still a fact also that the one person not pleased with me is that person that holds my future. But I've thought about it. I know what to do when that happens. Expect the worst and hope for the best. I will still emerge as the winner.

When It Rains, It pours

My work is really giving me a hard time. It's hard to be specific here because I might put something offensive...so that's it na lang.

Anyway, I am trying to renew my spirit. I'm still battling with my personal issues. I'm doing a great job.

"Touch me and I will follow
As I let you go...
I will find a way...
I am living in your afterglow..."
--INXS (Afterglow)

I've been mentioning over and over about the story of my family and our path to forgiveness. Our parents are one by one entering their 60s. Meaning 20% discounts and OSCA IDs...old age...

We, the next in line, are either entering marriages or thinking of entering it. We are about to start our own stories. We can feel it. I am so pressured with that. Allthe responsibilities. Can I handle those? Our dramas will be played. There is no stop, pause, forward, or rewind...there is only play. It's scary because I'm still not sure about myself. It's like diving into the ocean. Some of my cousins have already dive into it. I want to make it right the first time. If only I have a choice, I would choose the easier way...but no, by the looks of it, I have to go through it the hard way. And so from now on, with everything that is happening to me, with every painful words that are coming from the mouth of those "concerned", I'm taking it as a blessing--as an added armor, as a way to be strong. And for the past few days, a sign has pop itself up, I'm taking that as the point when I'm gonna start my own story.

My life is just beginning. From then on, my choices will be mine.

The Way

Yesterday as soon as I stepped inside my workplace, my boss called me up and asked me to settle things that has piled up since I was gone for 8 days...and the worst was I have to pay a large amount of money for an item I gave to the customer that was unpaid...Leche! And so today I went to the nearest mall and bought me a piece of clothing. It's time to pay something for myself.

Thoughts

My eight-day vacation is coming to an end. In those 8 days, I sure got many insights and made me look into views I never cared to look into before. I would just like to post everything (so that means this will be a very long post) that I've thought and did for the past few days.

The learned (meaning the educated or anyone who knows what the mind is for) has the responsibilty of thinking and doing what is right. They should follow their minds and not their body. With these in mind, I went deeper inot knowing who I am.

"Ano ng plano mo sa buhay mo?"

That's the question asked by my Mom, one morning, fresh from sleeping. Confusion came over me...plans? What plans?

Several years ago I am someone with a lot of plans. Everything I do is a step away from something connected with the future. But the series of events led me to where and who I am now. A lady with no plan. Yet. I have no idea anymore on what I want to do with my life. I don't know who I want to be and who I am now. All I know is I am someone floating in uncertainty--floating in the empty point of my life. I am someone waiting. Someone looking.

So what is it that I really want? Truth is, there are lots of things that I want. Not only things, but state or being that I want to attain. But generally, I want to be complete. I want to be whole. God is the only one who can complete me. That I know of...but there are still so many I have to find within myself.

Although I just want to lie down and wait for things to happen for me, that can never happen unless I do something about it.

Change of outlook.

I have always been a positive person, but I still have lots of rough edges, which I've been mentioning in this blog over and over again. I have to work on...
a. dealing with others. To stop being timid or snobbish as far as look/appearance is concern.
b. excellent service for my work, which means more smile and less pagtataray
c. make friends

I also have to devote some time (thus the vacation) on discovering what I really want to do with my life. This is also the reason why I've been so lazy during my whole vacation.

I also want to blog...I've been doing that na. But it's just a hobby.

I also want to do something that is related to service. Maybe that's why I am still with my current job now. Despite my superiors and the type of customers we have, I am grateful for the chance given to me by my job. I hope I'll get promoted.

I also want to look good, to do good, and to feel good.

Look Good.

1. lose weight. I think I am now overweight again.
2. tone my body
3. eat right
4. work on my appearance because it is kinda important.

Do Good.

1. service
2. skills

So I've thought of joining volunteer groups and other groups that will hone skills of service. I've thought of joining the Ugnayan ng Pahinungod, or Singles for Christ. But with my past experience with SFC, forgive me but I don't think I will join that group again. I just think that group cannot give me what I want to have. Or I cannot really give them the things that I can give them.

Feel Good.

1. Watch
2. Play
3. Sing
4. Dance
5. Blog

What about my career? I need to know how to go about a business and pharmacy. And then there's the BIG question--Do I still have to go out of the country?

These are just some of the ways on how to know myself. Hopefully, these will fulfill their purposes. And maybe, after knowing myself will then I can earn the love that I've been dreaming of, hoping for, and praying for.

TOO MUCH ON MY MIND...

Pimp My Ride is really one of my favorite shows on tv. I don't know why exactly but I'm just really interested in cars. And in one of PMRs episodes, my dream car is definitely the car with a laptop and a wireless computer, keyboard and mouse.

I really want to pursue knowledge. I believe that the mind gets better as the body grows older. And so I watched CNN. I think I have to watch more of CNN because it is educational and I'm becoming aware of what's happening around the globe.

I also followed the happenings in WorldCup. Why is the Philippines not included in the worldcup? Oh well, Filipinos are not really interested in soccer. They want basketball better than any other sport.

With WorldCup, I forced myself to look into sports. The US Open and basketball (NBA) and rugby.

I also found out that Spanish siesta has been known around the world. Siesta helps people to be more functional because it enables to get rest.

I also found out that Togo and Tunisia exist. Tunisia is located on the northern coast of Africa, Tunisia has boundaries with Algeria to the west, Libya to the southeast and the Mediterranean Sea to the north and east. And Togo is in Western Africa, bordering the Bight of Benin, between Benin and Ghana.

I've also thought of North Korea and its issue with Japan. I compared South Korea with North Korea. The first one is into democracy and capitalism while the other one is into missiles and terrorism. Which country is happier? I am into democracy.

I guess I'll end this post right here. I still have a lot to post about my thoughts on life. And the principles being formed in my life. But I better write that down the next day or maybe some days from now because those thoughts are lenghty.

That's it for now.

Maid from Hell

I think we can live without a maid. We're old enough.

Do Good. Look Good. Feel Good. One of Fernando Air Base mottos. As you enter the main gate, these are the words that you can read. If there is one thing I am grateful my Dad did for us, it was being a soldier and allowing us to live inside an air base. That is where I spent most of my childhood and my adolescence years. I learned a lot from here. As in a lot. Everyone who lives inside Fernando Air Base are definitely made winners.

I think that I should start and continue these mottos. Do good. For a while I stopped doing good. I let myself be persuaded by other principles--principles that are not me. Good thing, I have a family who tells me what is right without really judging me. Friends who have been there and who survived. And God, who never forsaken me. And so yesterday, day one of my battle, I won.

Look good. I should start doing this. Because I owe myself to look good. Because I look good. I should make myself healthy. Take care of my body.

Feel good comes when you know you are doing God's purpose and you have peace in your life and you also look good. This should come along.

I guess, after doing these, then I am ready to really know what is love and how to love without hurting anyone. But if I can keep this love I have right now, then I would gladly take care of it. But I have long learned that I don't own anyone. Everyone is free. But freedom comes with the responsibility.

Last Saturday night, I went swimming with my relatives. We really had fun that night. Forgiveness finally came. It set most of my relatives free. Things are slowly falling into place. And we are next in line. Their stories are about to end. It's gonna be our turn now. To my cousins, I hope you know what I am talking about.

Oh well, gotta go, got to guard our house.

How Strong Are You

Tomorrow is the start of my battle. Can I make it? I'm afraid yet I really want to face it. Let it be over. I'm already tired just thinking about it.

Last night was spent watching Hilary Duff's movies. She's cute but I like Lindsay Lohan better.

I'm thinking of ways to discover what I really want to do with my life. Is it right that to really love others is to know yourself well. I have to know myself well. It's unfair if I won't.

Fade by Staind. That was what I used to play over and over again during my stay at my cousin's apartment. Before and after my father died. I was angry then but full of hope and happy. Tomorrow is father's day. Let your father know that you love him. Or else that opportunity will not happen again. I miss my Dad.

My relatives are on the path to forgiving one another. I am thankful yet afraid. These things happen for a reason. I hope no one ... well I'd better not think about it. God help us!

Have to get ready for the swimming.

I got inspired by the debate between Marge and her friend and so don't be surprised if I post sentiments, opinions and thoughts about my beloved country Philippines. I am not an iska for nothing. And blogging is one great way of reaching out to others. Let the people be educated. Let the people know what is really going on.

Watch. Listen. Know. Take a stand. Do something.

How to be Happy

No matter what people say, no matter how bad they think you are, you can only know that you are right if you can truly say that you are happy and at peace with yourself.

The world sucks sometimes. I may fall a hundred times, but with God by my side, I know I can always get up.

I got a Mighty Ducks movie overload. Thanks Star Movies!!! Wait...is that really the title of those movies...it sounds like a toilet bowl cleaner eh.

Oh, belated HAPPY 61ST BIRTHDAY TO MY LOVING MOTHER!!!

Simple Moments

I just finished reading 11 minutes. I learned a lot from that. Grabe! Anyway, I've come across one of his books entitled The Devil and Miss Prym. And I want to read that, too. But not now, not yet. I'm still in the middle of my own battle. I want to win.

I stopped being judgemental and self-righteous when certain challenges came my way. One thing I can say is, it's never right to be judgemental and self-righteous. People make mistakes. I've seen people fall down. It's not really their choice to face such a challenge. But it is given to them. Just by looking, you think it's easy, but when you're the one being challenged, it's hard.

I have my fears. And I am praying not to fall in any traps set by those fears.

Anyway, I said in my last post that I have become single again. I guess it's false alarm. We're still together, battling (battle again...) our issues. But I'm preparing myself in facing my issues. He has to face it, too. And when he can face it with me, then I can say that he really loves me.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon and night with him at Baywalk. We listened to live music. Watched the waves. Smelled the sea. Watched people. Talked about anything. Talked about his dreams. Then it rained so we were forced to leave the place. We went to Mini Stop and waited til the rain had stopped.

It's possible. I can be happy with him. But I'm still trying to be complete on my own.

Worlds

Reading lets us go inside the world of the subject we're reading. For the past few days, I've been inside the world of a human stomach and duodenum. But I'm back. Finished reporting yesterday. The room was packed with interns and co-pharmacists. I love our template. We did well I think.

And I think I am single again. Anyway, there's really not much difference because this relationship failed to do many things. It hurts. Love that fails always yields pain. But based on experience, the pain will fade away.

Got to go back to what I stopped doing 4 months ago.

My cousin Jackie is here!!!

Teka...oo na, sige na, single na nga ako. Pero masaya pa rin ako kase nahiram ko na rin kay Kim and mga libro na noon ko pa gustong basahin at hiramin sa kanya pero di ko magawa-gawa kase kailangan kong mag-review.

Sinimulan ko ng magbasa ng 11 minutes...sa totoo lang inggit ako kay Maria, yung protagonist sa kwento. Sana meron din akong makausap na kagaya ng pagkausap niya sa artist. Di ko pa sya tapos basahin so hindi ko pa alam kung anong mangyayari.

One more night duty and I'm going home again. Puro VL at SPL ako ngayon. Engrandeng bakasyon. Dapat marami akong magawa ngayon. Hmmm...ano kaya? Ayoko ng magplano...di rin naman laging natutuloy eh. I'll just let fate take me wherever it wants to take me. Pero probably manonood lang ako ng tv, tutulong sa gawaing bahay, at makikipagbonding sa mga pinsan ko.

Nahihilo pa ako...kulang pa ako sa tulog.

2nd P. Laygo Tapusan

Last June 2, our 2nd year tapusan was held. It is better this year. The tapusanstarted with a mass headed by fr. Anghel Pusikit. He gave a touching homily about respecting, loving, caring, and understanding for our old parents. It is true that we must put ourselves in the shoes of someone (is that right?) to be able to understand him/her. After the mass, he and the others had breakfast in our house. With the help of the kapisanan, we were able to feed a lot of people. The foods were delicious.



Nanay Metring attended the mass. She wore an elegant dress; however, she matched it with her cute, fluffy bedroom slippers. Comedy talaga ang Nanay!

After the mass and the breakfast, there were games for the kids while the older members of the kapisanan prepared food for the night's events.

My brother and his band (morsel band) would play that night. That was why his bandmates went there early. I used to see them often in our house. But this year, I seldom see them because they've been busy with school and other stuff. It's good to see them just like old times.



Raymond was also with me. In his five-day stay in our place, he charmed his way around. He is really friendly and helpful. And he's cute. Girls have a crush on him. I feel flattered because someone as cute as he is liked me. But then...there's the but. I will tell you about that some other time.



The show started that night. Morsel started with a happy birthday song for my brother who was celebrating his 22nd birthday. I was really proud of them. Their performance improved. They used to join band contests and now they're able to perform songs for everyone.

After the Morsel band were Tabo and Timba. They are a funny duo. Although their jokes were green, they were successful in making the audience laugh.

Then there was the KBP band, I think. Composed of 3 sexy ladies and a cute guy (keyboardist).

After their performance, Morsel band played again. This time the youths jammed with them. The group of Pao-Pao and his friends played some songs. People were surprised because they never knew that this group could play and instrument. That night their other talent was discovered.

Raymond sang Wherever You Will Go. He dedicated that to me. I was touched that he still remembered me.

The tapusan ended well. Hopefully next year will top what happened this year. And that also ended the summer for the people of P. Laygo.

Cutie pics:

Blunt

I THINK GOD CAN EXPLAIN
Splender
Singingfool.com

Squished and squashed, my heart needs a little air. And so off I go where no one knows I'd be. I've always been a fool. That's what they made me feel. I have always been ugly. That's what they make me feel right now. Sometimes, when I can't find anyone or anything that I can blame because of all the painful things in my life, I stop and think. Maybe, it's my fault.

I admit that I've made mistakes in my life. That I am aware of. I know I want to do good. And I'm asking for strength to finally do the right thing. To choose what is right. God gave me a working mind to know what is right from wrong. But my heart has been a coward. Sometimes. Courage is what I'm asking for. I can still change. And if people cannot understand what and who I've become and who I want to be, then it's their choice. I've already made my decision.

I will be happy this time.

And oh, to the most handsome brother of mine, HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY!!!

Basketball

I attended the procession last night with all the people of Sabang. It was such a long procession but I enjoyed it.

Raymond played against Black Dragon last night. They lost but that was okay because he scored the highest in his team (Solid Punch) last night. Galing! Galing!

It's June and I'm keeping my hopes up.

I want to be free. Please set me free.