Hurt

The battle in me, as I have mentioned in my previous post ended.

I just read this from my friendster's bulletin board...this one is posted by Jacq

When a GIRL is quiet, Millions of things are
running in her mind. When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply. When a GIRL looks at u
with eyes full of questions, She is wondering how
long you will be around. When a GIRL
answers "i'm fine" after a few seconds, She is not
at all fine. When a GIRL stares at you, She is
wondering why you are lying. When a GIRL lays
on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers
forever. When a GIRL calls you everyday, She is
seeking for your attention. When a GIRL wants to
see you everyday, She wants to be pampered.
When a GIRL sms's u everyday, She wants you to
reply at least once. When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it. When a GIRL says that she can't
live without you, She has made up her mind that
you are her future. When a GIRL says "i miss
you", No one in this world can miss you more than
that.



I'm lonely. Yes, Mark still is my boyfriend. But lately, he's been neglecting me. I don't want to argue with him anymore because it's hard to get a reply from him.

I'm thinking, if he's really the guy for me. If he is, then maybe God does not love me that much because He gave me a guy who is not taking care of me.

Battle

The battle in me is still on. I hate to hate...but I feel like everyone is against me at work. I am not satisfied and happy with what I'm doing. Last night, I nearly committed a grave mistake...but I have proof that it's possible.

I'm thinking of changing my field of work. And I hope Mark will help me. Hehe...

My heart is heavy. I hope things will be okay. I'm offering this day to God.

Old Poem

I'll be climbing the top of the mountain
I'll be swimming ocean, seas, and rivers
I'll be roaming, walking, running, crawling
I'll be loving, hating, praying
I'll be who I want to be
But in the end
When I'm coming home
What matters will surface...

Love.
Family.
Friends.

And friendship is what you have in me.
You matter to me.

Loneliness

I miss Mark.

After a hard day's work, I want to spend time with him even if it's only through text. But he's at work after my shift and I am at work after his shift. Hayyy...

***

I hate when people do not trust me. They make me don't trust them also. I can sense when a person is insincere that's why I only consider few true friends. Negligence is a no-no in friendship.

***

I am not satisfied with my performance at work. Dispensing is a good pharmacy practice since I'm exposed to the different kinds, appearances and brand names of drugs. But I am not cut for that. For one, I am slow. Because I make sure that the item I am giving a customer is the right item for them.

I want clinical practice. It's the best area for service and mind enhancement. I love the pursuit of knowledge and I won't be effective in a working area where gossip and assuming designates are around. But the "bossings" think I am not good enough for them. Oh well, someday, my time will come. Maybe not in here but somewhere else.

Ode to Summer

February 14, for me, is the start of summer 2005. We're gonna have cloudless skies from now on. The sun will intensely scorch our skin. Time for beaches and sportsfests.

Summer is my favorite time of the year. I love the fruits. And most importantly, the hopefulness of my heart. A lot of good and sweet things happen in summer. This summer I'll be in Pangasinan.

Beach.

Last year I got in this senti mood that I was able to carry with me my college friends. It was a surprise to everyone including me because it was the first time that my plan...mine...was able to push through. And it was so successful everyone was able to come. I was really thankful for the generosity of Kaye and her mother.

Something funny happened nga that time...Kase I had to sleep beside Edra and Godo. Obviously they were both uncomfortable to sleep beside me. But I didn't really care. I was able to sleep naman. Pero sila yata hindi kase they discovered that I was snoring in my sleep...even when I'm not drunk.

Yes, I snore when I sleep.

Long-Lost Poem

I started reviewing my notes and I found this:

Mirror captured my thoughts tonight
And I don't want to look at it
Questions thrown at someone once real
He threw it back at me
Forced to face the fact
Heart knows the truth
There's no more someday
There's no more hello

I'll lie when I have to
I'll cry when I want to
You can't stop me.

I'm still the free girl
That I already am.

You've been blessed
To have a peek of me.

(24 September 2004)

Anything Goes

Yesterday, I roamed Rob. I decided to buy some groceries such as tissues and soap since nowadays I am prone again to frequent visitation to the c.r. because I have my period and my whole body is aching.

I went to Handyman. I couldn't help but think of the things I needed to buy. materialistic bug bit me once agai.

Self-improvement.

For a while some no-good stalker made me think of hiding from this world forever and cover myself with fats until I could no longer breath. But that's before. Now, I am pursuing my self-improvement. But it may take a while. Skin-deep first. Sorry for those who do not believe in outer beauty. But I have to give back the favor given to me by those people who value aesthetic. Besides, I have long battled against vanity and superficial-ism. And I still can't beat them. As the saying goes: If you cannot beat them, join them...that's exactly what I'm gonna do. And I also discover some individuals who are beautiful outside but are also surprisingly beautiful inside.

Thanks to blogging.

Gossip at Work

I have just come from a company where gossip is a way of living. Admittedly, I used to be the best gossiper in that company. But the gossips I chose to weave are relatively harmless and meant to entertain. Out of boredom, I was able to get four people meet the love of their lives. And they are very much happy until now.

But here in my new job, I chose not to meddle with anyone's personal businesses. If it was about work, I would demand to know everything, but if not, then I try not to join in the conversation.

HOW TO AVOID THE LIMELIGHT OF GOSSIP:

Make a story about others. Make sure that it's gossip-worthy so people's attention won't be on you.

But if it's already inevitable, then ignore those bored insecure people. Remember: Their opinions do not matter. What matter are the opinions of your loved ones and most importantly your.

***

May and I found this book in National Bookstore entitled "The Misadventures of a Disorganized Woman". That should ne the title of my life--because I have lots of misadventures and I am disorganized. I am not proud of my being disorganized but about the misdaventures...hey, a little humor wouldn't hurt.

The book is actually a blog but on paper!

***
My newest favorite tv program: SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME

New Member

I am glad because Lei has a blog already!

There was a little girl here in this internet house and she was so bratty! If she were my daughter, she would surely get a spanking...(not an ideal principle of discipline...but what the heck! that's what she deserves...hmp!)

I was a bit sensitive for the past few days. I guess that may mean that I'm gonna have my period. And if I were to listen to my crooked mind, I would have deleted the phone numbers of some of my so-called friends! Good thing, Mark loves me. He is my balance. Though we are far apart, our love is able to grow deeply. It's him and me against the world!

Irreg

It's been two years now since I took the board exam in pharmacy. To think that time that I was reviewing, I had been in a very tough situation. Now, looking back, I could almost say that those moments in my life were blissful. I was able to spend time with my batchmates (mga irreg!) and hope for the future. Now, 2 years later...aka the future, a lot of things has happened. We have been toughened and blessed. In that two years I had two jobs. And I'm still working fortunately. Yung ibang mga kasama ko are mostly in Canada now. They are successfully reaching their goals to be Canadian pharmacists. I'm proud of them though nalulungkot din ako kase napag-iwanan na nila ako talaga. But it never fails to make me hope for a better future whenever they keep in touch with me. I am happy for them and delighted with their adventures in Canada. Meron na rin sa grupo namin na nag-asawa na at nasa Japan na ngayon...not working as a Japayuki, but studying to be a pharmacist also. Buti pa siya and I am also happy for her kase she's with the one she truly loves. And others who are still here in the country...sino-sino na nga ba kami? They are all also successful in their chosen fields. I am proud of them. Pero naisip ko---paano naman ako? Ano ng mangyayari sa akin? Pero knowing that God loves me, too, I know my time will also come. I will also be able to do something which I think and I'm sure God thinks (also) is worthy.

Magkikita-kita pa kaya kami?

Among Others

I always compare myself to others especially in writing. And I always disappointedly tell myself that I am still not as good as them...At least I'm unique.

***

The Series of Unfortunate Events the movie is indeed unfortunate. The movie failed to give justice to the book. Honestly, I have been looking forward to this movie and last night, May and I watched this movie. More twists and turns could have been included in the film so it could prove that Violet and Klauss have great minds. The movie showed that reading and remembering all the books Klauss have read were useless in a difficult situation. Klauss had to depend on his sister Violet. But then I still enjoyed it because of Sunny and her talent of biting things.

Coincidence

A busy mother, after noticing that his son wasn't going out of his room, decided to open her son's room to check on her son--(the next thing she saw was the shock of a lifetime) her son hanged himself dead. Apparently, the son wwas high on drugs. Who was to blame? The son? The family? The drugs? The pushers?

Last night, I was with my friends. I was giving them moral support as they were resigning from their job in a hospital. As we were waiting for their boss, an alarmed tricycle was zooming into the emergency area, a man was shot. I was used to this scene in a hospital so I was not paying much attention. Sarah was a bit affected. I was too, but then that's life. It turned out that the man was a pusher known in our place.

I don't want to focus on my emotions amd views because I have a very strong emotion over this...there is an even more complicated story behind it but there is one question that popped out of my mind---"Nakapagsisi kaya siya ng kasalanan niya bago siya namatay?"

Many

Feb 22 marked the end of our lamentation over the death of my father. It was sad. I am still very much sad now.

I have to face my responsibilities.

Help

For the first time in my life I am really afraid. I really need all the prayers I can get. Please pray for me...that everything will be okay. That those people who don't have anything better to do will stop bugging me.

I hope to be forgiven in all the wrongdoings I have done.

Please, pray for me.

Early

I am up and awake early today. I guess that's because I have something bugging my mind. And I hope to get it off my system. I am starting to live a healthy lifestyle...I have been telling that to myself over and over but thins time, I think I am determined.

Last night, Mae, Ate Marlyn, and I went to see a movie...CONSTANTINE...there were many ideas that I'm not really sure I could believe in. The movie pictured God as untouchable and law-bounded. He seems to be merciless...although Archangel Gabriel pointed out that GOD loves human so much that we are His only creation that are allowed to repent, to be saved if we will just turn to God by following His Only Begotten Son.

Yeah, we are lucky. Even angels are not allowed to make mistakes.

Promises to Keep

Promises that I want to keep/do one of these years...hehe...

1. Birthday/First Sweldo Blowout...Gagawin ko lang 'to kapag mabait sila sa akin.
2. Marrying him.

Thankfully

Last night I thought he would say goodbye. I was preparing to be dumped. But I was wrong. He is continuously proving that he loves me. And I am thankful.

I look up to him even more because he is always trying his best to understand me--my childishness and selfishness. But if I were to be selfish, I would have been with him right now. But I still have my responsibilities at home. My family has been good to me, they have been very supportive. I can't let them down.

Maybe someday, God would find me worthy to be happy, blessed, fulfilled, and contented.

movie

I'm planning to watch Let the Love Begin...this will serve as a salt to my wounds...I love it when it stings...I hate the feeling of numbness...I'd rather take the pain than feel empty...sort of like preferring analgesia rather than anesthesia...I don't want to feel empty. I will make this life worth living...I don't care how much it hurts...I just don't want to feel numb...because I am still alive. I have a life to live. And I want to have this life worth living. So pass me the salt please...and with that...this song suits my feelings...

No Rain
Blind Melon

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
ya don't like my point of view
ya think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane.

broken

Teka lang, basahin ninyo muna ito from Ayeth's blog:

GOOD GIRLS FOR KEEPS ARE HARD TO COME BY


1.HINDI PORKET KAYO NA E KAMPANTE NA KAYO NA HABANG BUHAY NA SYANG ANDYAN...
hello, kahit nga mag asawa naghihiwalay pa, mag syota pa kaya? pag nag isip na ang gf nyo na kung worth it pa kayong magkasama, lagot, you did something wrong for sure! or maybe, you DIDNT do anything at all. kaya sana, always make her feel na yung ginagawa nyo habang nanliligaw kayo eh hindi lng para mapasagot siya, kasi ang babalik balikan nya kapag nagtanong na yun eh siguradong yung panahon na i-pinadama mo sa knya na sya ang pinaka importante sa buhay mo-- meaning, yung time na hindi pa kayo. ipagpatuloy sana, kung gano mo sya kadalas i text noon, binigyan ng letters and small tokens-- hindi naman kung ANO ang binigay nyo ang mahalaga sa babae eh, kundi yung feeling ng NAAALALA mo sya. make her feel important everyday, that shes important to you..


2. GIVE HER A REASON TO TRUST YOU..
maraming lalake ang pathological liers, or magaling gumawa ng palusot.. kaya wag na wag kayong magbibigay ng pagkakataong isipin nya na hindi kayo honest sa knya.. at mraming babae ang paranoid, either dahil nag aalala sa inyo, or nag aalala na baka may ginagawa ka ng milagro! kahit papano, ipaalam nyo naman sa knya na buhay pa kayo at kung anong ngyayari sa inyo, lalo na kung hindi ka masyadong busy.. hindi naman mahirap magparamdam lalo na kung may celfone naman kyong dalwa dba?! TRUST.. meron sya sayo pero sa nkapaligid sayo, wala.. and guys remember, na ang mga girls eh may instinct yan. TANDAAN NYO, ayon sa psychology--"80% ng intuition ng girls ay totoo".. kung ang gf nyo ay may isang girl na na sorbang pinagseselosan, kahit pa anong sabi mo na KAIBIGAN mo lng yon at sayo lng sya nakakapag open up,its still not enough..kahit na anong paliwanag nyo eh hindi siya maniniwala dahil nga iba ang nafefeel nya sa gurl na yon.TAMA D BA? kung mahal mo tlga gf mo, try mo umiwas sa gurl na yon, iwas dun sa girl, iwas away din yon!


3.WAG AGAD MAGBIGAY NG EXCUSE KAPAG SINASABI NYA KUNG ANONG MALI MO..
sana kapag may pinopoint out sa inyo ang gf nyo, wag nyo agad supalpalan ng kung ano anong dahilan nyo. babae yan, malambot ang puso nyan sa inyo, pinapakinggan kyo at halos palaging sa inyo kampi yan. sana pag may nakita syang mali sayo, give her a chance to explain why she thinks of you that way. mahilig kasi mag justify mga lalake. Gusto nyo kayo lagi ang tama. either that, or kapag nakikinig nga, lalabas naman sa isang tenga. di kaya paulit ulit ng sinabi eh paulit ulit pa ring ginagawa. DAPAT PAG SINABIHAN NG MALI EH MAKINIG AT WAG NG ULITIN!

4.PAKINGGAN NYO SIYA PAG MAY SINASABI SYANG MAHALAGA O KAHIT HINDI MAHALAGA..
pero ang mahalaga, listen to her when she talks,remember the little things she tells u coz u never know when they may come in handy...

5. TELL HER LITTLE THINGS SHE USED TO HEAR FROM YOU...
ask her how she is..kumain na ba siya, kung nagawa na ba nya ang dapat nyang gawin,etc. Consistent dapat hindi yung isang araw ang attentive mo sa kanya and the next day pra kang bato na walang pakelam!hindi mo lng alam na maraming nag tetext sa knya ng mga bagay na yan at baka mas maraming nakakandarapa na msbi yung mga hindi mo nasasabi. hindi malayo yan lalo na PAG MAGANDA GF MO!. naisip mo ba yun, so tell her as often as you can that you love her and you miss her..


6. LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST, HAVE TIME FOR HER KASI YUN ANG PINAKA IMPORTANTE..
minsan kasi yun ang cause ng prob. pag wala kang time for her. minsan kc na fefeel nyang hindi siya importante syo kasi nga wla kang time para sa kanya..


OVERALL LESSON: make her feel grateful that she wants to stay in ur relationship. keep her close..

REMEMBER, GOOD GIRLS FOR KEEPS ARE HARD TO COME BY...

Telenovela

Can I say that once again I'm the star of another telenovela/teleserye in my life? My life is being turned upside down, this time the theme is about love. Love... The main question is Will I ever be happy again? For a while I have lived in peace...maybe fate/destiny/choice think it's time for another story intricately woven to make a hit. Again the question is Will I ever be happy again?

no need

Nakikita ninyo ito? O di ba, new layout na and pink pa. Salamat sa aking pagtitiyaga, nakahanap din ako sa elementopia ng layout na gusto ko. though it isn't perfect for me but for now I'll be keeping this. Bummer lang kase walang comments...as if naman may magcocomment.

Sunday na...mamaya, pupunta ako sa church, magsisimba ako.

finally

I finally found the book I was looking for the past few days now. I haven't started reading it. I guess, I'm still looking for the right timing. So I can feel what it's saying.

I also bought a Bible. For a while I stopped reading the bible. I guess because the bible given to me by Ate Cora was lost and I didn't want to read any other Bible. Well, since my Nanay Metring told me that no other book could bring me closer to God than the Bible, I thought about what she said and so I decided to buy one. Luckily, I found this Contemporary English Version Bible and it's especially made for the youth. It's easy to read and understand. It's also complete, both Old and New Testament are included. And the price is cheaper compared to the other bible...(other's are hardbound...this one is on paperback).

nothing much

I just dropped my novel-like letter to Edouard (that's what I' calling Mark from now on because they say the name Mark is bad news...lets see if I can break the curse...)

in search

Almost six years ago, my father revealed a side of himself to me. He told me his past. MI've known my father to be loving and gentle...the ideal man. But he wasn't like thatbefore...not until he read a book that changed his life. That's what I'm looking for...I'm looking for that life-changing book.

Mark

I still love Mark.

More of Myself

My parents raised me well. How well? Now that is relative...People may find me weird...in fact when I was a gradeschooler, i was an outcast. Because I was weird. I had a hard time then. But that showed that I am different--unique. My parents gave me my freedom. I want to thank them for that. Every major decisions in my life, my parents let me decide on my own. But I have their guidance and support all the way. And now that I'm 23, I still have my own decisions.

My point is freedom has been planted right to the very core of me. And anyone who would try to take that away from me...I can't just let them do that.

The very issue of my freedom is very complicated. Talking about that will not end in just a day. This blog is dedicated for my freedom.

I don't mean to offend anyone or to hurt anyone. If you know the real me...I am sincere and close to being truly honest. That's why I have created another blog. I want to express myself. Others may choose visual art but I know nothing about that...music can be an outlet but I only know the basic...writing...I'm not a prolific/or whatever you call it writer but I love writing. I have once read that writing can keep you free. And this keeps me free.